Posts Liked by Beenie12k

men use love to get sex. women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza

Yeah, you're pretty from a distance...
at night... under a rock.

-Police: 'Knock Knock'
-Me: Who is it?
-Police: It's the Police!
-Me: What do you want?
-P: We just wanna talk.
-M: How many of you are there?
-P: 2
-M: Then Talk to each other

Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

Did you know that if you put your ear up a strangers leg you can hear them say:
What the fuck are you doing?!?

if energy can neither be created nor destroyed, what if our souls are a fragmented collection of other people's souls from the past and future? what if our dreams are their memories?

i am as motivated as the guy who drew the japanese flag.

You don't have a Valentine?

Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day, so
SHUT UP!

What if we are all particles on a grilled cheese sandwich?

some are playing hard to get while i'm playing hard to want

$_==/ i i \==_ /XX/ |\___/| \XX\ /XXXX\ |XXXXX| /XXXX\ |XXXXXX\_ _XXXXXXX_ _/XXXXXX| XXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXX |XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX |XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX/ ^ ^ ^ ^ " \XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX/ ^ ^ ^^ \XXXXXX |XXX| \XXX/ ^ ^ \XXXXX/ ^ ^ \XXX/ |XXX| \XX\ \X/ \XXX/ \X/ /XX/ "\ " \X/ " /"$

90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women either.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I don't make mistakes,
I date them.

Growing old is
mandatory.

Growing up is optional.

My love is like a candle.

If you forget me, I'll burn your house down.

I wish I could trade my heart for another liver so I could drink more and care less.

You make me smile...

And also super horny, but that's not the point.

i play the keyboard in a band called the internet

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

The
only thing stronger than a mother's love is a
garlic breath •

I've never seen a Mcdonalds or a Burger King under construction.

They just show up.

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis!

i remember when music cost money and water was free.

I just took a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.

And you're home alone.

And you don't have a baby.

It's better to be late, than to arrive ugly.

You remind me of my big toe, cause i'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own

that awkward moment when I'm drunk
and you're still ugly

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

Try to be less of a fucking piece of shit than you were yesterday.

- Buddha

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

maybe I'm nobody, but nobody is perfect

People say,
do more of the things that
make you happy..
so come over here and let me do you •

I see dead people.

Oh wait, it's just you without your makeup..

What Susie says
of Sally
says more of Susie
than of Sally.

Remember that.

Improve your iphone battery life:

1. Place your iphone on a table.

2. Go outside.

You're as annoying as that app that turns sideways when I lay down.

If I told you to go fuck yourself would you need directions?

I regret some of the things I said last night......

I came up with way better insults this morning

There is a company called Kia & a company called Nokia.
I'm not sure who to believe.

Yes, I give a fuck. That's what friends are for.

Depending on how you thought of that...

I wanna be there when karma
ass-fucks you with a cactus.

done with
done with
done with
done with
done with
done with

Potatoes give us french fries and vodka.

It's your move, celery.

$do I have time for your bullshit? no no no no no no \_ no no no no no no$

A fuck must be earned. I can't go down the street with a bucket of fucks, giving them out to everyone.
If I feel that you've earned it, I will give a fuck.

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

( ' } { ' )

I heard you should question everything, but why?

The word "Listen" has the same letters as the word "Silent".

"So Shut Up"

I like people the way I like my tea.

I hate tea.

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

Only trust people who like big butts.

They cannot lie.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

FRENCH PEOPLE ARE SO HARDCORE THEY EAT "PAIN" FOR BREAKFAST.

This year I'm secretly stuffing the turkey with marijuana so everyone can relax and enjoy my cooking for once.

It's not that diabetes,
heart disease and obesity
runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your
family.

Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

You know it's cold out when you fall down and dent the ground with your nipples.

In 1814 Women had no rights

In 1914 Women fought for some rights

In 2014 Women are always fucking right

Let's be nothing, I heard it lasts forever.

tomorrow (noun)

a mystical land where 99 percent of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

santa gets all the credit

and i get all the bills...

Can't wait for the day some kid grows up and sues their parents for plastering their face all over the Internet.