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Posts Liked by AnnetteMathew

Home is a feeling. Not a place.

89

I haven't lost my mind... half of it just wandered off, and the other half went looking for it...

132

Whenever I delete an app on my phone,
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •

583

My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family.

They seem like nice people.

356

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

539

laundry today
or
naked tomorrow

577

When I was a
baby, an evil fairy cursed me with
an expensive taste and no money.

113

i have never stopped loving you.

not counting those days you had your period,
of course.

93

My boss told me to have a nice day. So I went home.

171

I don't know if I'm hungry, but I'm going to eat anyway...just in case

110

I WANT TO HAVE TEXT WITH YOU.

110

I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

I'm also deaf in one ear.

133

Sleep is no appropriate substitute for coffee.

68

Sometimes
sharing a
shower is all we can do to
help the environment

102

Everyone should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer

87

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

88

I am a kid at heart and a 47 year old coal miner at liver.

72

Wednesday
It's almost, kind of, sorta, close to, just about, nearly the weekend.

74

That moment when you pour a bowl of cereal but realise there is no milk, so you just stand there wondering why bad things happen to good people.

98

People always will judge you and everytime they do, punch them in the face with your unconcerned smile.

105

I call my wallet a nonprofit organization.

107

Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

111

You are the sugar to my fudge.

12

Worry is a down payment on a problem you may never have.

104

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend...
I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said " That's us in ten years".

He said "That's a mirror, dipshit!"

108

I'm single and I want a divorce.

102

the bad news is:
time flies...

the good news is:

you are the pilot.

111

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

151

Whatever,
I have boobs.

119

I TRY TO BE A
NICE PERSON...
BUT SOMETIMES
MY MOUTH
DOESN'T
COOPERATE.

219

I wish you could last as long in bed as you do in an argument.

99

Every time I put my phone on silent, it decides to play 'hide and seek'

140

be the kind of gentleman that holds the door
open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.

127

you remind me of a software update, whenever i see you i think
"not now!"

140

Out of all of my body parts I feel like my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least a thousand eye rolls a day.

107

You can't breathe - so you write.

87

sometimes all you need is 1 million dollar and a new identity.

170

You know you're fucked when those late night thoughts start hitting you in the middle of the day..

162

Sometimes I don't finish a book, but I act like I did, which is the opposite of my interactions with pizza.

94

the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

134

A penny
for your thoughts,
5 bucks if they are dirty.

112

I could
write poems on your neck with my lips.

173

Is "Fuck you" an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.

185

THE STONE YOU THROW MY WAY COULD BE THE STONE YOU TRIP OVER TOMORROW...

169

I need a glass of wine.
Or a bottle.
Or a winery in Italy.

185

Life is what happens to you when your internet data pack expires.

175

Brains are the new tits.

122

If you ever feel powerless, remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a whole restaurant.

115

If you think I talk too much, let me know..

So we can talk about it!

115

Did you know, that 3-4 glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit.

143

Whatever happens..

Don't use the bathroom in your dreams..

It's a setup!

116

Put someone's genitals into your mouth and no one bats an eye

eat a chip off the ground and everyone loses their minds.

95

Sometimes I want to go back to the days of cartoons, snacks, and naps. Then I remember...coffee, liquor, and porn.

100

the trouble is...

other people.

107

I'm only avoiding you because you stole my yogurt in a dream I had

91

unprotected sleep

Turning off your alarm clock and immediately going back to sleep, risking not waking up for a job, class, or other daily task.

92

Beauty on the inside doesn't get you free drinks.

133

LOVE IS IN THE AIR
TRY NOT TO
BREATHE

141

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

85

A group of kids is called a migraine.

111

You are only as good as the people you hire

77

a friend isn't your friend until they defend you in your absence

168

My doctor told me to watch my drinking so I found a few places with mirrors behind the bar.

110

i want to fuck you so bad right now.

damn autocorrect..

i meant hey.

175

It's okay.

My comebacks are as epic as my fuck-ups.

120

We're all
mad here.

163

Never ask a woman her age. Or her weight. Or anything. Just stare, breathe and hope for the best.

198

Here's to the nights that turned into mornings with the friends that turned into family.
Cheers to you.

196

If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whos funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, 'haven't decided yet.'

247

today has been nothing that tomorrow can't cure

117

Kiss me like your ex is watching

211

Sometimes,
the right words
just show up at
the right time.

131

I will never be a morning person.

The moon and i are too much in love.

176

Dad, you've always been like a father to me.

99

Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don't get. Those who do are smiling right now.

197

Once a month
when everything
and everyone
just sucks.

34

I don't really want it if I have to show you how to give it.

122

apparently, jokingly opening my legs open when the dentist says open wide is frowned upon in this establishment.

107

I'd need
48h-days
to get everything done.

19

One of the most cruel acts that a human can do to another human, is to cause a person to lose hope.

323

if these walls could talk, they'd say 'pick me up' & put me on 'em...

75

my back is not a voicemail say it to my face

232

Yeah, I tried to order a burrito at the ATM. So what?

82

I just don't have the energy to shit butterflies and piss rainbows today.

178

Seeing a cockroach on your bed isn't the problem, the real problem would be if it disappeared. . . .

148

Summer is here. I'm so excited. I wet my plants.

125

Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can count on, are my fingers.

192

If you walk like a duck and you talk like a duck you're drunk. Ducks don't talk.

157

6.9
a good thing fucked up by a period.

25

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

344

My boss doesn't like the nickname I gave him. It's awful to see Princess Dickhead crying.

201

I always start phone conversations with "my phone is about to die.." just so people don't waste my time.

238

Of course size matters.....

Nobody wants a small cup of coffee.

218

Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.

191

Dont make me choose between you and food because I would miss you.

333

People keep asking me "how's it going" like I have any idea what's going on at any point.

184

I fear the people who can bite ice cream.

243

need
a hug,
or a kiss, whatever.

29

admit it: life didn't fuck you,
it taught you.

160

the lion and tiger might be powerful...
but the wolf does not perform in the circus

316

To Quote Hamlet
Act III, Scene III
Line 87,

"NO"

241

It's not a walk of shame if you leave with a moonwalk.

191

You are a tornado
with pretty eyes and a heartbeat.

179

Dear Sneeze,

If you're going to happen, happen.

Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

251

I wish the voices in my head would at least take turns.

161

STARBUCKS NEEDS A SEPARATE LINE FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER

146

I found your nose.

Its in my business again.

135

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

171

A blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio. It says that 2 Brazilian men were killed. She starts crying and says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

14

I Hate When People See Me At Supermarket And They Are Like: "Hey, what are you doing here?" And I'm Just Like: "Oh you know, hunting elephants."

25

Saw my midget neighbor at the bus stop, told her to hop in I'll give her a lift.

The ungrateful ass said "fuck off". So I zipped my backpack and continued walking.

17

me: "I like to talk to myself"

me: "me too"

me: "haha, you're so funny.."

32

Whoever invented Knock Knock jokes should get a 'no bell prize'.

28

I hear someone screaming!

That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

23

CONGRATULATIONS

My tallest finger wants to give you a
standing ovation.

33

When I was born I was so shocked that I didn't talk for, like, a year.

71

men use love to get sex. women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza

58

Do you ever go on YouTube thinking that you will just quickly watch a music video, then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?!?

76

That was funny.

But I don't like you. Therefore I shall not laugh.

73

TREAT ME LIKE A JOKE, AND I'LL LEAVE YOU LIKE IT'S FUNNY.....

82

I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking!

56

-Police: 'Knock Knock'
-Me: Who is it?
-Police: It's the Police!
-Me: What do you want?
-P: We just wanna talk.
-M: How many of you are there?
-P: 2
-M: Then Talk to each other

102

You speak like something
I tweet with my left hand

22

Dear iPod,
when I put you on shuffle, I meant play all my favourite songs.
Sincerely,
skip, skip, skip,...

26

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now...

29

hahahahaha
hahahahaha

wait... what?!

28

I save my homework until the last minute because then
I'll be older, therefor more wiser.

27

Going into a shop, saw a perfect top, looked at the price tag and slowly walked away...

35

Shhh...
we will talk later.

First get naked.

29

Me? Stalk? Nah, I just observe...
at night... behind a tree...alone...

35

If someone says, they'll always be there for you... make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.

36

Do you like me?

Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

29

"Everything has a reason"

When I punch you in your face, remember,
I have a reason.

38

I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck.

37

Here's an idea:

You go away and I'll stop ignoring you.

33

Breathe in, Exhale...

Know that this very moment can be as perfect as you want it to be.

36

An apple a day will keep anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

40

Sometimes it can be fun to randomly shout:

"Hey, Asshole!"

in a crowd, just to see who turns around.

41

Listening to someone's story and thinking lies, lies, lies and lies...

38

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

30

I WANT TO HAVE A POTATO WITH YOU.

30

Just do it!

tomorrow.

42

Leaving the house on a monday morning would be much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action" as I walk out the door.

45

I'll advice you...don't mess with me:
I know Karate, Judo, Taekwondo, Jujitsu... and over 20 other dangerous words.

43

I don't make typos.

I make new words.

41

"You are what you eat" - That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

47

It's just going to be another one of those mornings where I'm not rich and famous...

35

When a package says "easy open" and you end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a chainsaw just to get it open...

47

If there's one thing school taught me, it's never to touch the underside of a desk...

59

That awkward moment between your birth and your death...

38

How to tell someone that their breath stinks without hurting their feelings:

„Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth."

49

Your face is not a coloring book, chill with the makeup.

50

Run Monday run.

This world is not made for you.

41

It doesn't matter how old you are - if a ballon is about to hit the floor, you dive for that shit.

57

why do we need algebra?
finding "x" is only useful if you're a pirat.

54

look,
my middlefinger
likes you

57

"Are you free tomorrow?"

No... I am f**king expensive.

62

Showers are great.
They make you feel nice and clean and you sound like a professional singer.

66

You never know a person until you walk a mile in their shoes...

...or until you check their browser history.

72

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

58

you can't buy happiness, but at least you can buy Nutella.

83

Freak out your neighbours by renaming your WiFi to

"Police Surveillance Van"

71

Prince Charming is gay and living with Mr Right.

64

I
WILL
NOT
KEEP CALM
&
YOU
CAN
FUCK OFF

74

Me? Jealous? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahayes.

93

While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.

94

Speaking is silver.

Writing is Bold.

49

Some people are like clouds.

When they disappear,
it gets a brighter day.

84

Dip it in chocolate and it'll be fine.

121

Don't make me angry and then tell me to calm down.

That's like shooting someone and then wondering why he's bleeding.

126

I wouldn't say you're stupid.

You are.
But I wouldn't say it.

129

When you feel that nobody loves you,
nobody cares for you,
everyone is ignoring you,
and people are jealous of you.
You should really ask yourself:

Am I too sexy?!

114

I think I've fallen in hate with you.

125

I have to stop saying
"How stupid can you be?".

I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.

172

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MUSIC GENRES

Sentence: I SAW A FLOWER

RAP: Yo, I was hangin' with my muthafuckin' homies and we saw a muthafuckin' flowa' in a muthafuckin' garden.

POP: I saw a flower, I saw a flower, I saw a flower. It had blue petals; blue petals; blue petals.

ROCK: In fields where nothing grew but weeds I found a flower at my feet, bending there in my direction

EMO: I came across a beautiful flower but it FUCKING DIED.

METAL: ARSGYDSD FLOOOWWWWEEEERRR!!! AZBSVDHJSHDJD IN A FIELD!!!!!

174

I love listening to lies when I know the truth...

226

The synonym for reality is offline.

226

I don't care if you think I'm insane.

The unicorn who visits me in the night time says
I don't and
I believe him.

154

Being famous on Instagram is like being rich on Monopoly.

269

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

959

discovering all the beautiful places surrounding us
by sunlight

86

MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT,
MAYBE IT'S AN INSTAGRAM FILTER.

192

Staring is caring.

118

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
Extra fries.

219

I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone.

196

i like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram

53

You strike me as one of those people who hands out fruit on Halloween.

43

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.

85

It's so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working

86

I put redbull in my coffee this morning instead of water.
And now I can see noises.

77

Sorry, but your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers,
a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell,
a gang sign,
a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin.

200

What if when we die the light at the end of the tunnel we see is just us being pushed out of another vagina?

163

Yeah, you're pretty from a distance...
at night... under a rock.

115

I romantically stand outside your window and hold up my iPhone to blast OUR song...

...a 30sec ad video
plays first.

109

I 'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.

197

Haters will see you walk on water and say its because you can't swim.

212

i sock at spelling

87

Did you know that if you put your ear up a strangers leg you can hear them say:
What the fuck are you doing?!?

258

One day I'll buy new shoes without taking off my current shoes to see what size they are. One day.

103

Never trust a warm toilet seat

303

until 0% battery do us part

337

I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

788

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

1035

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

664

You remind me of my big toe, cause i'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own

470

if you've been left, go write

254

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?... That's common sense leaving your body.

395

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

734

Not full of get up & go so much as lay down & die.

181

I am one Candy Crush invite away from murdering someone.

386

A lot of people cry when they cut onions, the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

396

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

473

I've never seen a Mcdonalds or a Burger King under construction.

They just show up.

389

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.

And you're home alone.

And you don't have a baby.

427

I love you so much
that I would tell you
if I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

224

I'm having one of those days that's not a Saturday.

233

I wish cake went straight to my boobs.

215

You make me smile...

And also super horny, but that's not the point.

363

soon as you realize love is in the air, somebody farts.

203

You're not fat! C'mon, chin up.

No, the other one...

195

Whoever created the five day work week was probably friends with the asshole that invented pants.

141

damn.

don't you hate it when you think you're out buying organic veggies and when you get home you realize they're just regular donuts?

makes me mad.

138

if i had 1$ for everytime i got called beautiful i'd have 1$

thanks mom

200

Maybe she's not on her period... Maybe you are just an asshole....

256

The most amazing people are the ones that don't speak much, but when they do, they shut up a lot of mouths.

295

I don't approve of political jokes

I've seen too many of them get elected.

153

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

209

There's an ancient birth control secret. It's called "keep your legs together.

132

mess up my bed with me.

140

My brain keeps making appointments that my body cannot keep.

143

What Susie says
of Sally
says more of Susie
than of Sally.

Remember that.

199

I swear if my
memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

231

Being a barista is tough. you have to deal with everyone before they've had their morning coffee.

116

Only very fit and healthy people have midnight snacks
It takes a great deal of physical and mental effort to get out of bed at such late hours

180

Quick!
No time to explain...
grab a donkey

134

lick
me
'till
ice cream

158

FEED
YOUR
OWN
EGO
I'M
BUSY

186

You're as annoying as that app that turns sideways when I lay down.

215

You.
Me.
Bed.
Now.

194

Wow, that was rather inappropriate.

Let's be friends.

193

Calm down gas tank.We're all empty on the inside.

145

Intellectual is the new hipster.

132

You know something bad is about to happen when someone says

"Hold my beer and watch this."

214

when the worlds zigs, zag.

105

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

394

I had a great time last night...well thats what the police report says.

238

Can't get out of bed.

Send help....,
or waffles.

Just send waffles.

247

TONIGHT...
WE
ARE
YAWN

90

rap is like scissors it always loses to rock

182

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

452

it's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm

337

I heard you should question everything, but why?

176

Have you ever noticed that a woman's
"be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's
"be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same?

289

your demons and
mine want to have dinner some time.

188

getting no message is also a message...

258

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

270

lazy is a very strong word.
i like to call it selective participation.

279

I like people the way I like my tea.

I hate tea.

236

SO SCARED AND EXCITED

like when you have to poop and the bathroom is in Narnia

93

I just arrived at that point of the week where I want it to be friday or go back to bed..

155

If I had 24 hours to live...

Ah, fuck it. I'd probably just sit and eat chicken from a bucket.

168

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

217

Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.

244

It's not that I'm tired.

It's just that I don't like standing on my feet with my eyes open.

173

Only trust people who like big butts.

They cannot lie.

221

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

163

It's not easy being psychic, but I already knew that.

101

goosebumps.

when the soul comes too close to the skin, trying to burst free into the world, either in ecstasy or in fear

148

What makes night within us may leave stars.

96

Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.

193

24 shopping days days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

125

It's not that diabetes,
heart disease and obesity
runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your
family.

203

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

159

That moment between Netflix episodes where you see your reflection on the black screen and wonder what the fuck you're doing with your life

234

Karma means i can rest easy at night knowing all the people i treated badly today had it pretty much coming.

176

I like the idea that someone, somewhere is made for you, forever.

225

It's been almost 3 years since the end of the world in 2012.

152

Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

185

Let's get drunk
and tell each other how
we really feel •

248

Evoke emotions with your writing.
Let them see worlds their eyes never will and remember lessons their minds will not forget.
Pour out your heart on the page so that they may soak it into theirs.

136

santa gets all the credit

and i get all the bills...

177

We have each other and everything else is background noise.

191

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment in it for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

255

YOUR
PHONE SCREEN
IS BRIGHTER THAN YOUR FUTURE.

275

Keep trying to raise the bar.
Even when they try to use it, to beat the shit out of you.

161

Sometimes you have to find the good in goodbye.

369

well fuck, there went my new year's resolution!

182

It's like I'm the only drunk person at this yoga class.

279

They tell me I'm weak, but I am strong. They tell me I'm worthless, but I am loved by many. They tell me I am nothing, but someday I'll be everything to someone.

252

Some talk to you in their free time
&
some free time to talk to you

270

If I were a gardener, I'd put my tulips and your tulips together.

150

A world

with a little less selfies

and a little more selfless.

244

I want to sleep for two years and wake up with a degree, an apartment and money in the bank

269

Noticing how beautiful the city lights are at night while getting chased by the cops.

187

i think therefore

i don't have much in common with a lot of people

236

I would not want to be involved in a fight with a person who bleeds every month and still lives.

225

Can february march?

No. But april may

310

shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is not a fine art
shoplifting is n

67

goodnight, you said;
goodbye, i said.
and you never
thought twice
about
it.

149

if you were a president,
you would be babe-raham lincoln.

88

Half of my feelings are doubts about the other half of my feelings.

232

Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

147

Porn is so unrealistic. I just took a shower with my boyfriend and all he did was stand in the corner shivering for 20 minutes while he handed me a bunch of shampoos.

131

I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact with me...

245

I'm multitasking,

I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time

393

If you're in a fairytale and you're a single woman over the age of 35, chances are you're evil.

224

Lust is saturday night; Love is sunday morning.

180

I'M ON THAT NEW DIET WHERE YOU EAT EVERYTHING AND HOPE FOR A BIG MIRACLE.

244

If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape.

177

Inspiration eventually comes to creation.

124

may the bridges I burn light the way

205

It's Thursday, or as I like to call it:

Day 4 of the hostage situation.

181

Better grab my dumbrella.

It's really stupid out there today.

294

Change is much more than just some coins in your pocket.

179

People who remind me of myself are the worst

167

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