MichaelBlack's Posts

Show is tomorrow (Wednesday) night. I'm on a boring Zoom call about it RIGHT NOW. All proceeds go to NAACP and the California Immigration Resilience Fund. Buy tix at: The-State.com twitter.com/michaelianblac…

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petegutz2 likes this

I think the modern environmental movement certainly has conservative roots, beginning with Teddy Roosevelt but, again, it was about conserving our national heritage against rapacious industrialists, who certainly were not liberal.

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Reagan’s role in fall of USSR is debatable. To me, though, the larger question whether our entire Cold War posture was correct. Not saying it wasn’t (I don’t know) but both countries played a very dangerous game that could have easily gone boom.

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Apologies are often to groups. A CEO apologizes to their customers, for example. A religious leader apologizes to his congregation. Are those people signaling to divisive Marxists?

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When you feel as though you screwed up, do you apologize?

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Maybe Ivanka thinks she's smart because of how furiously all of her friends nod at the points she makes during brunch.

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Click to see the invite!

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Thank you. Policing is an essential job. We need officers who perform their job fairly. I've had generally good experiences with the police but, obviously... (points to self) white guy.

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Here is a gift to white people who insist they know what Martin Luther King Jr. would have said.

A thread

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I don't think I would ever have a desire to burn the American flag until they pass a law telling me I can't.

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First they came for the anti-fascists and I was like, “What the fuck”?

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Maybe Target is actually a mob front and this whole thing is an insurance scam.

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The problem is that all the people who should become cops would never become cops and vice versa.

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Can we somehow get Jared involved to make things worse?

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Too many cops acting like this is their Super Bowl.

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There’s that old saying that nobody is born a racist. In America, I think the opposite is true. We are all born into racism and a deep understanding of the American caste system. What you do with your birthright is up to you but escaping racism requires lifelong work.

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I grew up in a racially mixed neighborhood, the child of Greatest Generartion Democrat working class parents, in a Northeastern American City and guess what? I still ended up being a racist! Because that’s who was around me. IF YOU’RE WHITE PLEASE KEEP READING!

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I feel like the best way to heal our nation’s horrific racial wounds is tax cuts for the wealthy.

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It's weird - my dogs never, ever get tired of dog food.

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I feel like Twitter features fewer jokes about butt stuff since the global pandemic started.

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Wait - why does paper beat rock? It doesn’t make any goddamned sense!

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Just an aside - as always when discussing issues of masculinity - the people engaging with this thread are mostly female. It's a bummer because (white) men are the ones who need to engage on this topic.

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Because, again, the police exist to defend traditional power structures, which are built on white male supremacy. We can't decouple one from the other. Until we do, we're going to have more George Floyds.

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Total stoner name that it’s called “space”.

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Oh God, as if things weren't bad enough, now I have to get dressed.

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I'm making a wheat berry salad and there's not a goddamned thing any of you can do about it.

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This is a complicated, nuanced story that doesn’t fit as neatly into the good/evil model as I thought it would be going in (although there’s plenty of indisputable evil shit involved).

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Now it's that time of night when I should go to bed but maybe I'll just stay up for a few more hours for no reason?

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During the lockdown I took a nap every day. I also did this before the lockdown.

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Trump and Ann Coulter are fighting about Jeff Sessions like a soon to be divorced couple arguing over who gets custody of racism.

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Update: spent an hour learning guitar today and, for some reason, I still can’t play it?

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Spent four hours today learning how to string a guitar I do not know how to play. Will sort that out tomorrow.

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Aw heck, I'm just sore because I lost at poker. But, for real, fuck all of those fuckers.

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Fuck Jeff Sessions and fuck Michael Cohen and fuck Anthony Scaramucci and fuck Omarosa Manigault and all the rest of them who think they get a pass just because he turned on them.

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Something I've learned about myself during quarantine: I get a deep, almost sexual satisfaction from using up long-neglected pantry items.

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We’re about to reach the grim milestone of 100,000 deaths in this pandemic. This needs recognition & remembrance, especially since the pandemic deprives so many the ability to mourn as a community. On May 31 noon ET, CNN will host WE REMEMBER, a memorial service for those lost.

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Just talked to a friend in the medical field. Now they’re saying corona virus and Covid 19 are basically the same thing.

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Best thing about quarantine is that it’s given me the best excuse ever not to go to the dentist.

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For real, though, shout out to microwaves. Heating everything up so fast but always humble.

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Asked my wife to sit outside to have lunch with me. She responded “I have nothing to say to you.” Tough but fair.

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If you find yourself getting tired of social distancing, try spicing things by adding emotional distancing to the mix!

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bold likes this

Maybe science is wrong and you can just hang out with your buds at a crowded bar and spit in each other's mouths and sniff rails off toilet seats and you'll be fine.

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dor1316 likes this

Seeing a lot of people opening their DMs for strangers to share personal experiences during this difficult time, and I wanted to let you guys know that I will never do that.

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The cynic in me hates to admit it but this #GraduateTogether special is striking all the right notes. Great job.

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We'll be at 90,000 deaths within the day and the collective shrug is deafening.

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One upside of the past couple months is that I feel like I've heard the word "tincture" a lot less.

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Is anybody else watching Tales From the Loop? It's really lovely and disconcerting and slow-paced in a good way.

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FACTS: hydroxychloroquine doesn't cure COVID and chocolate chips ruin Rice Krispie treats.

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Real men don’t wear masks because real men don’t give a shit about other people.

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Super excited to find out how Trump distracts everybody in a week or so when the death count hits 100,000!

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Sugar tastes better during pandemics.

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Sugar tastes better during pandemics.

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Does anybody on here know Rand Paul personally? Is he actually a dick or does he just come across that way every single time he opens his mouth in public?

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Happy 17th birthday to my daughter Ruthie who doesn’t follow me on Twitter.

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Apologies are hard. Public apologies even more so. They force self-reflection and humility. For some people, they will never be enough because it's so delicious to revel in outrage. We've all said or done stupid/insensitive/embarrassing things. We've all needed grace. 2/2

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RIP Jerry Stiller, a great comic actor and a splendid man. He and his wife Anne were royalty but they would’ve laughed in your face if you said so. And then hugged the hell out of you.

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To all my haters: this was a joke. I'm obviously not going to do the laundry.

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Going to do all the laundry on Mother's Day so that my wife can focus on cleaning the bathrooms.

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Harrison Ford constantly crashes his airplane into things.

Donald Trump is the worst person alive.

I have an idea.

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I care about Michael Flynn and the rest of them the same way I care about an expired container of cottage cheese. I don't want to think about it - I just want it gone.

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When republicans claimed the American flag as their own sign of patriotism I thought it was the most twisted propaganda I have ever seen.

But they’ve leveled up by claiming a mask-free face during a pandemic as a sign of American “greatness”.

It’s remarkably evil.

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I bought my toaster *before* the pandemic because I'm not a fucking idiot.

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If you want to know why we have no national testing program, you just need to listen to what Trump said yesterday:

“By doing all this testing,” Trump said, “we make ourselves look bad.”

The lack of tests isn’t accidental. It’s by design.

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I don’t want to watch a video of a man being murdered. I also don’t want to live in a country where if you murder a black person there needs to be a viral video before theres a chance you’ll get arrested.

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Apart from the obvious stuff, one of the worst things happening during this pandemic is that it's proving to be the ultimate distraction for a corrupt administration run amok.

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In the middle of a pandemic, Kurt Loder's age is really hitting people hard.

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They need to put Ruth Bader Ginsburg's face on some money.

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Mort Sahl is a really good name for a comedian but we've only got one. Seems like we should get more comedians named Mort Sahl.

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It seems like the last couple weeks the US just shrugged our collective shoulders and said, "Fuck it, let 'em die."

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A few nights ago I watched WHEN THEY SEE US, which was pretty upsetting. Last night I watched FOR SAMA, which was even sadder. Tonight I'm just going to pour vinegar in my eyes and see what happens.

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Would watch a Mark Wahlberg movie where he seeks revenge on murder hornets.

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12:00 here on the East Coast. "I give up" time!

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I can't believe the first wave of quarantine babies are being born, it's so crazy.

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Potential vaccine: have any doctors tested to see if there's a corollary relationship between the enormous amount of cookies I'm eating and the fact that I don't have coronavirus?

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What if Kim Jong Un isn't sick but just had a full body makeover like on that show "The Swan" and he comes out of hiding and he's fucking gorgeous.

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What if I don’t really have a problem with the Blue Angels doing a NYC flyover? Am I canceled? I mean, I’m already canceled - I just want to know if I’m extra canceled.

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Remember the old saying: bleach is for buttholes, not for mouths.

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Fionacatherine likes this

Why do people bitch so much about their taxes? You pay for goods and services: roads, hospitals, clean air and water, social security, a military, research, conservation, education, mail delivery, arts, etc. Wouldn’t it cost far more if you had to pay for that shit yourself?

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No disrespect to Jesus but I would like to be bathed in the blood of Tom Hanks.

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Maybe his whole presidency has been sarcastic.

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Fionacatherine likes this

Not saying if it'll work or not, but has anybody tried taking hydroxchloroquine *with* bleach?

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We didn’t know we were all playing a game of musical chairs and would have to spend the rest of our lives where we landed when the virus came.

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Some leftover rice with leftover tikka masala sauce. It was ok.

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Really seems like we’ll pass 60k Covid dead by the end of next week. A milestone that will be met with a shrug and sigh as we march to 75

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When quarantine is over I never want to see my family again.

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The same people who reply to me and others saying “stop scaring people! You’re causing panic! Fear porn!” are the same people who were screaming about a “dangerous” caravan of migrants who had Al-Qaeda members amongst them that would lead to a massive wave of crime and terrorism

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Might buy a couple barrels of oil to dump into a river just to see what it feels like.

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I baked 20 cookies a few hours ago and I regret to inform you they will not survive the night

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The barrel is now worth more than the oil.

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Do you guys remember when Chuck Todd criticized Hillary for being ''over-prepared" for a debate? So grateful we have a president just kind of winging it through a pandemic.

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I will unfollow you on a whim. I don’t even give a fuck.

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It’s possible that China fucked up and Amercia fucked up worse.

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Attended a very sweet Zoom birthday party. Saw great friends. Did a ton of blow.

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Just put on a pair of sweatpants I forgot I even owned. It’s like hitting the quarantine lottery.

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It's just full-on snowing. Why not. Why the fuck not.

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Also, this 60k number feels very optimistic, right? How does it stay that low if people are out and about?

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Fiona and I just want to thank everybody for their kind words about the new album.

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Just to reset for a second- there's a global pandemic, our economy is in free fall, and the guy in charge bankrupted three casino and wants to fuck his daughter.

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I don't understand what's happening - he's giving a victory speech.

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Confederate symbols are shorthand for white supremacy. Full stop. There is no nuance here. There is no need to have a dialogue. There is no further understanding to be had. I am a southerner, and it is deeply disturbing to me that this continues to be excused as "heritage".

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damon.lindsay2 likes this

One good thing about social media: who knew I would like Richard Marx so much?

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Just kind of sinking in that so many comedy clubs and small theaters are going to close. The whole business of stand-up is going to have to start again from zero.

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A few months ago my dad retired after 30 years as an ICU doctor and tomorrow after fighting to get re-licensed he goes back to do telemedicine in Louisiana and rural hospitals overwhelmed by COVID-19 and I am very proud. I am very, very proud.

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He might be gone in a few months. Crazy to think about the smoking wreck of a nation he's going to leave us with. Ruined economy, ruined global standing, bankrupt, 10,000s of dead Americans, and 35% of the country still claiming he's the second coming. The fuck we gonna do?

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Why stop at worst president ever? He might be the worst American ever.

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So, by my count, so far, that's Bernie, AOC, and Chomsky who have all come out and said voting for the Democrat against Trump is the right and necessary thing to do.

Yep, all of them well-known neoliberal shills and class traitors and neocon sellouts.

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has anyone tried throwing a baby into a volcano yet?

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We lost 12,000 Americans last week. It is as if we are at war, but with no one in charge.

We cannot allow ourselves to become numb to the lives we are losing. Every American dying is leaving loved ones behind. Almost all are dying alone, and can't even get a proper burial.

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Fionacatherine likes this

What's a hilarious way of saying I'm despondent?

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Dear President Trump,
I know this thing is going to disappear like a miracle in April, but do you know what day yet because 500,000 Americans have it and 20,000 are dead. Thx.

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Today in Everything Sucks: everything sucks.

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If anything else bad happens in the US this week, I feel like Canada should march across and take over. I’ll eat your stupid poutine.

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Just watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and it really made me think: who are the *real* crazy ones? The inmates or the wardens? Definitely makes you think, but the answer, ultimately, is the inmates. They're outta their fucking gourds.

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This week, 6.6M unemployment claims. Last week, 6.9M. Unemployment claims coming down, but nobody in the lamestream media will thank our President!

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They keep saying “reopen the economy” but how do you do that if nobody feels safe going anywhere?

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To me, all of these “who would you want in your quarantine house” games always comes down to the same question: who is the most likely to leave me the fuck alone?

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First place you’re going when the quarantine lifts:

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When they do the awards shows this year they're going to have to make the whole things In Memoriams.

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What's nuts is that he doesn't understand the fundamental, and easiest part of his job. Level with the American people, tell them the truth, and ask them to help. We'll show up every time. No bullshitting or spinning or dick sucking needed. Ok, maybe some dick sucking.

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Carnival Cruises is definitely going to go out business after this and I am going to buy like 5 of their ships.

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Somebody should ask the president when can we get back to licking toilets.

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Just gargled with hydroxychloroquine and my breath has never been better! (But I had heart failure )

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Just heard an airplane. WTF?

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That line showing new unemployment claims over the last week almost perfectly track my salted cashew consumption over the same period of time.

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Steve Mnuchin is a Nick Kroll character.

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How's comfy jail going today?

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Over 900 Americans died from coronavirus today. The average American knows about 600 people. It's like if everybody you know died today, plus half.

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Fionacatherine likes this

If Hillary Clinton was president right now, can you imagine the jokes we'd be making about how terrible a job Donald Trump would be doing if he were president?

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Goddamnit - I dropped the word “said.” I might be experiencing symptoms.

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By point of comparison, Pence’s tone has stayed remarkably consistent and he’s also full of shit.

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This is the first great crisis of the post-American world. The UN Security Council is nowhere to be seen, G20 is in the hands of the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia and the White House has trumpeted America First and Everyone Alone for years. Only the virus is globalized.

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Before we start talking about the cataclysmic way he fucked up this health crisis, what has he done right? ,Was it the abysmal trade wars, the trashing of our allies, the response to Hurricane Maria...What is the one thing his involvement did not make worse?? There are none.

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Mistermoman likes this

Big F U to the gun stores staying open as "essential business." With these stressful circumstances domestic violence and suicide is going to be at an all time high. Maybe stay home and save even more lives.

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Mistermoman likes this

I should have said the title: Michael Patrick Jann Can't Direct Traffic.

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The contrast between Trump and Cuomo in their daily briefings, on both substance and style, is extraordinary when you consider both executives are navigating the same pandemic, have access to the same data and science, and have the same responsibility to inform and protect.

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Fionacatherine likes this

Now entering the "installing software update for printer I no longer have" phase of quarantine.

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Tonight, I offer for entertainment - ask me anything, but here's the twist: I took an Ambien about 15 minutes ago. Answers may get progressively more poorly spelled. Will answer in this thread.

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*mutes tweets about bread*

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Now entering the "experimenting with horseradish" phase of quarantine.

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Trump is expected to visit the USNS Comfort today, where he will throw rolls of paper towels into the water.

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I know he’s had a couple, less than stellar weeks but what do you say we give him a chance? He’s only been president for three years and he’s proven that nothing is ever his fault. All I’m asking is you give the guy a chance.

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He is a monster like none we’ve seen in American politics. And if you see that, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do or what your political leanings are: the only thing to do now is whatever it takes to defeat him in November. We can argue about everything else later.

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Fionacatherine likes this

Republicans: your last two presidential winners were the colossal fuck up George W. Bush and the colossal fuck up we have now. Get your shit together.

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Look, I only have so much time for personal hygiene. If I'm washing my hands a lot more, I'm brushing my teeth a lot less.

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Craziest thing about Tiger King is how cheap it is to buy a tiger. Two grand? I’m definitely getting a couple tigers.

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Went to buy some groceries at a little Italian market in town, and after I sat in the car and put on my mask and my black nitrile gloves it felt like kind of a waste to not rob the place, so I did.

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At this time, my napping skills remain unaffected by the pandemic.

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to all the people who told me McDonald’s was gonna kill me

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I realized tonight that all I want from any newscast is for them to tell when me when I am going to die. All other info feels extraneous.

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Toyotathon has been cancelled due to Corollavirus

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When the Fed chairman says "nothing is fundamentally wrong with our economy," what does that mean? If 3.3M get thrown out of work at once, doesn't that create a fundamental economic problem? Not being snarky, I actually don't understand.

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Anyway, I'm in a bad mood.

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Not sure I took away the correct message from Tiger King, but I just bought 3 liger cubs from a guy in Louisiana for $500 and an untraceable Glock.

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How is it that I'm already totally used to, and fine with, the government telling me I'm not allowed to go anywhere?

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Might be quicker and less expensive to replace the drive-thru testing centers with drive-thru senior assassination centers.

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Trying to get my daily step count under 50.

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swatchUSA likes this

Any guesses on what tomorrow will bring? I’m guessing some sort of explosion.

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Predicting all the "I miss self quarantine" tweets in about 4 months.

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They just postponed the summer Olympics but Trump thinks America's going to reopen by April?

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Trump is correct when he says that sometimes the cure is worse than the problem. His election proved it.

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The Republicans have spent so much time demonizing science and expertise that it is perhaps inevitable that their solution to a science problem which requires creative problem thinking is to let people die rather than confront their own cognitive dissonance.

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Good news: so far today the Dow is only down 4%!

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swatchUSA likes this

One of the good things about the pandemic is how many new opportunities it's giving us to judge people.

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So then like, what was all the turmeric for?

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The larger question I guess I'm asking is: would it be appropriate to stop talking about competing economic theories as either/or, instead recognizing that circumstances may dictate economic policy as opposed to the other way around?

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I used to be conviced that I’d be the first to die in the apocalypse, but seeing how stupid everybody else is actually makes me think I might be second or third.

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One of my big takeaways from the pandemic is that a lot of celebrities need an interior designer.

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Fionacatherine likes this

Every time there’s a crisis, we recognize contributions from different groups: military, first responders, doctors and nurses, grocery store clerks, teachers, sanitation workers. I hope when we come out of this, we give everybody the living wage and health care they deserve.

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Friend who lives in Fort Green, Brooklyn told me he walked by three house parties tonight so we are all definitely fucked.

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Ok, but how many "new realities" do I have to adjust to in one lifetime?

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I call upon the Federal Government to open up our national stockpile of gym selfies in this time of national emergency. We can’t produce new pumped thirst traps right now. This is why we’ve been storing millions in Bathesda, MD since the 60s. If not now, WHEN?!

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Tom Steyer doing "Back That Azz Up" with Juvenile was just 18 days ago.

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So far, I haven't been interested in watching anything anybody's made to entertain me during the pandemic. Not your fault, guys. I just have very exacting taste.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Trump supporters: Do you see now how a man who would not apologize, who would not take responsibility, who did not consider how the things he might say for political gain could put lives at risk, is also not fit to be your president?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Trying to keep my gratitude list longer than my needs list

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Just set it up. Donating tomorrow morning at 11:45 with my son. We're the real #heroes.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

You now what would be kind of funny right now? A big ol' earthquake.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

What I think we need more of in these difficult times is online scolding.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

When Leto comes back next time we all have to act like the cats are in charge.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Prominent former business leader texts me about his continued concerns about WH: “It’s good that the president finally seems to understand how serious this is, but I don’t see what I know is needed for effective crisis management....

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

To me, the shift in Trump's tone only indicated fear and the belated recognition that he can't bullshit this disease. That fear will turn to resentment and anger in about five minutes.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

Hopefully now that Republicans believe in science again, when the pandemic is over, they might change their minds about climate change denialism. Jk/lol

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

My friends and I figured out how to play poker online with each other so my apocalypse is all squared away.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I was exposed to COVID-19. Here’s what happened.

TLDR: 1) we’re not testing enough ppl to know how big this thing is; 2) if you think you're in the clear, you're not; 3) our healthcare system is about to be dangerously overloaded & only we can save it so #StayTheFuckHome
(1/x)

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

I’m not so much “stress eating” as “stress fattening myself up for the cannibalistic hordes that are about to descend.”

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Just want to remind everybody I've been producing some Grade A coronavirus material for weeks now. Thanks. #BestCoronaComedian

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Holy shit, it worked. I just wrote King Lear!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Biden just committed to a woman VP. That’s amazing news. (Not T*lsi.)

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Seems like this debate should be happening at an Elks Club over some Schlitz and kielbasas.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Stock buybacks are going to kick this virus's ass!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Stock buybacks are going to kick this virus's ass!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I know things seem dark now but just remember - one day we’ll all look back on this and wheeze.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

When officials like Fauci say "we have not reached our peak yet" in terms of infections, it sounds to me like we're close to reaching our peak but hat's wildly inaccurate, right? Like, we're not even through the first inning of this thing. Or am I wrong? I hope I'm wrong.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I just went to a crowded Chuck E.
Cheese and I'm 35.

It was delicious, and I took my sweet time eating my meal, and I kept being told by staff I couldn’t be there if I didn’t have a child, and I cried when the robot band played. Because this is America. And I'll do what I want.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Hey Minnesota...
Come to Lucky Cricket.
Carry out heavily discounted w free parking behind us.
Kids eat FREE
Free soup for the soul for anyone dining in.
Doordash, Bitesquad Grubhub for delivery
We eliminated seats for social distancing, rigorously cleaning, etc

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Global pandemic sucks, but it would suck so much if we still had to go out to rent movies.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Going to bed. This shit better be fixed when I wake up.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I was worried about all the handshaking with the president, but the ass kissing is worse.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

Just ended a call with "stay healthy," which was a first.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

The good news is that nothing else can go wrong.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

I’m going to make myself available for podcasts and things I can do from home. We can do some fun/interesting audio content for people over the next couple months. Who’s in?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Feeling pretty good that I didn’t have any work scheduled for the next couple months. Makes my inability to get a job look prescient.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Serious question: how much do you think the markets would rally if Trump resigned?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I guess you could call me a minimalist. 1/1

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

A friend suffered a traumatic brain injury - unable to work. I’m chipping in.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

For three years, I've been saying George W. Bush was the worst modern president but I think with that speech tonight, he might have passed the torch. Congratulations, Don. You're officially the dumbest sack of shit to ever occupy the Oval Office.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

Timely book recommendation: if you've never read it, AND THE BAND PLAYED ON is Randy Shilts' incredible telling of the early days of the AIDS epidemic. Dr. Anthony Fauci has a starring, and heroic, role.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Transitioning from handshaking to very light, over the pant, groin stroking.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Wow Biden just won Mississippi from Sanders and just lost Mississippi to Trump!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mike Pence is going to get in so much trouble with his boss for looking competent.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Virology question: assuming social distancing works and we succeed in "flattening the curve" of the outbreak, will the virus just come back once life resumes to normal until everybody has built up immunity?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I really hope the primaries basically end tomorrow so that whatever septuagenarian wins the nomination can keel over and we can get some new blood to seize power and turn this country into the Hunger Games for anybody who has ever posed with a weapon on social media.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Italy is locking down the northern part of the country, which is where George Clooney lives! SOMEBODY MAKE SURE GEORGE AND AMAL HAVE ENOUGH TOILET PAPER!!!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

All I ask is that nobody goes near Ruth Bader Ginsburg for a while.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Panic! At the Costco.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

THRILLED to report we just had our first positive local coronavirus test. Connecticut is on the scoreboard!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

IMPORTANT: In less than THREE MINUTES I will REVEAL how many slices of PIZZA I just ate!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Googling “last minute cruise deals.” For the right price I’ll risk a life-threatening respiratory infection.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mike Pence as our coronavirus czar is the safest I have felt since Trump made Kellyanne Conway our opioid czar.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fuck it, I’ll say it: I prefer Biden to Bernie.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Going to sit around a small poker table for the next seven or eight hours with a bunch of degenerate gamblers all touching the same cards and poker chips. My question: is this what the CDC means when they say to take precautions against coronavirus?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Trying very hard this morning to get EXCITED ABOUT JOE BIDEN!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

No not Hillary, Warren.
No not Warren, AOC.
No not AOC, this female baby.
No not this female baby, A VISION OF A PERFECT WOMAN I HAVE IN MY BRAIN THAT YOU BITCHES BETTER NOT RUIN.

Just be honest.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I continue rooting for Elizabeth Warren and wish I could vote for her today. I live in Connecticut. Our primary isn't until 4/28, at which point we will all be quarantined with coronavirus, anyway.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I went pandemic shopping yesterday and mostly bought frozen pizzas. I am #prepared

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Also this isn’t even a joke, just a depressing fact.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

WASHINGTONITES: I’m at Arlington Draft House this Friday and Saturday. Last chance to see live comedy before you city goes on coronavirus lockdown.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

DC dummies - I’m at Arlington Draft House tomorrow and Saturday. Come see me! Guaranteed to be 75% coronavirus free!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

"Dad, let me hunt it."

- Don Jr., re: the coronavirus

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I will always believe that the fanciest thing in the world is a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

swatchUSA likes this

There was a senator I met years ago when I was an intern at a non-profit and it was a terrible interaction because they were awful and they're currently serving... and if you donate $100,000 to Elizabeth Warren by midnight tomorrow...

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Anyone else feeling a little uncomfortable that the wife of a Supreme Court Justice is a chief orchestrator of Trump’s purge?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I could def get into a two week quarantine.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

If nobody else is going to say it, I will : BILLY BOB THORNTON IS UNDERRATED

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

People of Twitter: you’re dumb.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Did I just move my bowels or did my bowels just move me? Sometimes in this life it’s hard to say.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Bloomberg just paid $300 million to have someone stomp on his balls in stilettos.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

AMBER ALERT: I’m sitting near a guy who looks like a Bill Hader character!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

(Full transparency: I just remembered that my main deduction is agent/manager commissions which total 20% of gross income - not travel.)

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I AM GOOD AT MAKING DINNER

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Trump lies to the people who love and trust him. Why wouldn’t they believe him? Like 1930s and 40s Germany- it’s too insane to believe this world leader is lying to us. But he is. And it’s dividing a nation who, truly, mostly agrees on what is right and wrong. These people are

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I always thought “The Emperor’s New Clothes” was a parable, not a history lesson.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

I know this might seem like a “too simple” solution to the difficulties/inequities of our electoral system but I’ll toss it out there, anyway - maybe I pick who gets to be president? Would cut down on a lot of time and rigmarole. Think about it, America.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I’ve always been a huge Chiefs fan!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

NOW I’M ROOTING FOR THE CHIEFS!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I’m done eating so the game is over for me.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

They're cowards, across the board, looking for any excuse to avoid having to stick their heads out of the sand to confront the ugly reality of their party leader. Lamar Alexander should be stripped of his sweater vest and sent into exile.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

It continues to amaze me that saying something positive about a candidate elicits so many negative responses. My lifting up one candidate isn’t tearing down another.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Thank you Lamar Alexander and Lisa Murkowski for insuring that, this Superbowl Sunday, America will still have a president who fucks porn stars that remind him of his daughter.

#maga

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

If nothing else, today is total vindication for those of us who have spent the last three years saying that nothing matters.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

The important thing is that Trump has definitely learned his lesson this time.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

If you thought the end of US democracy & our greatness as a country would come with missiles raining down or battles in our streets, you were wrong. It will come silently, in increments shrouded in the language of the law. They've been coming for years. Another's coming tomorrow.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

I'm sorry but I just have a hard time believing Donald Trump did anything nakedly corrupt or self-serving.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

After Rehnquist, I assumed one of the remaining justices would be promoted and a new justice would take that person's seat. Why would somebody who has never served on the Supreme Court take the top job?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Remarkable that Trump’s impeachment defense team wrapped up without a single mention of Satanic pregnancies.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I am the Democrat running against Republican Jim Jordan. I can only defeat him with your help. Please retweet and ask others to follow this account to join our campaign and flip this seat once and for all.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Just a reminder that there are three cases jointly pending before the Supreme Court asking if an employer can fire someone solely for being LGBTQ, and they could announce their ruling any day now. We'll definitely know by June.

If you didn't know, now you do.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Say what you will about the Dems...they've been doing a great job of making a sane and logical case for impeachment. That we now live in a country that seems to have decided that logic and sanity are a waste of time is a whole separate problem.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Does Adam Schiff do audiobooks?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I’ll vote for him and support him but I don’t think Bernie can win. The good news is I’m wrong about everything.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

The way Schiff is methodically laying out how the president extorted an ally in exchange for help with his re-election, you’d almost think it was an impeachable offense.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

"Capitalism will always be racist and sexist, because it has to mystify its core contradiction - the promise of prosperity vs the reality of widespread poverty - by denigrating the 'nature' of those it exploits: colonial subjects, women and the dispossessed."

-Silvia Federici

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I don't know how you big city slicker lawyers conduct trials, but in these parts, we don't need "evidence." No sir, in these parts, we decide our verdicts based on a little somethin' called "Spidey sense."

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Feeling pretty bad for these Republican senators who know in their hearts that the president is a corrupt fraud but can’t express it because they might get a mean tweet. Leadership is hard.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Overlong 2020 Democratic Presidential primary endorsement thread incoming. Twitter probably isn't the optimal medium, but it's where I have the largest audience and full editorial control. Maybe I'll reformat. Maybe I won't

RIP my mentions, both for my choice and my explanation

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

“We are saying that something is wrong… with capitalism… There must be better distribution of wealth and maybe America must move toward a democratic socialism.”
- Martin Luther King, 1966
#MLKDay

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day. One of the truly meaningful holidays we have in this country. Peace and love and equality for everyone

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

Read the NYT dual endorsement of Warren and Klobuchar. It's well-reasoned and I agree with their points about both candidates. In a still-crowded Dem field, I'm cool with the double dip. SORRY H8RS!!!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Steyer was robbed! #NYTimes

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

SPORTS ANALYSIS: As somebody whose been to the big game, (#9years2rings) I think the key to today’s games is that every guy on the field has to play hungry.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Experiencing a sudden drop in my current level of being awake.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Even in show business, oddly, there aren't that many people in it chasing fame. I know that's counter-intuitive, but it's true. Most (good) actors I know didn't get into it for fame.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I have never - AND WILL NEVER - lose my childhood enthusiasm for snowstorms.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

As a voter, I have never understood allegiance to political parties They exist to serve our interests, not the other way around. I tend to vote Democratic, but would turn on them in a heartbeat if they betrayed my values. Why are Republicans hellbent on defending this monster?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

As far as I can tell, the debate changed nothing other than make people dislike Tom Steyer a little bit more.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Buttigieg just mentioned fire tornados and now I have to play D&D.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Anybody interested in raising healthy boys and being healthy men needs to read Peggy Orenstein’s new book BOYS AND SEX, which upends/deepens/sometimes sadly reinforces so much of how we traditionally think of male sexuality.

twitter.com

#twitter, #michaelianblack

If I’m judging by the number of commercials for it on cable news, the rate of psoriasis in the general population is approximately 100%.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

idea for bowling alleys:

have a hologram of a tiny indiana jones running in front of every ball.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

You think the Oscar snubs are bad wait until you hear about Puerto Rico.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

It's hard for me to get mad about awards of any kind.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Heidi Klum? More like Heidi Vroom Vroom! Thx.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Are there any good Indian Summer in January sales?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Excited to see who we almost go to war with this week.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Just saw a well-regarded new movie that I really didn’t like but I feel like I can’t talk about it publicly because everybody will get mad at me. I think I just preemptively canceled myself?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I am watching Inside Edition and I honestly don’t understand what this show is supposed to be - a story about the Iran airplane crash followed by video of a brawl at Best Buy. Now they’re “catching up” with a murderer. Also, the host is 75% lip.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Hey idiots, before you start with your “hilarious” jokes, the reason Marianne Williamson is suspending her campaign is because she’s going to astrally project herself into the Oval Office.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I just wish we could find an older Democrat to run for President.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

My God, without even realizing it was happening, I have become a regular viewer of PBS Newshour.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

WHITE CHICK WITH DREADLOCKS ALERT! STAY AWAY FROM NORTHEASTERN CONNECTICUT!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

A Ukranian 737 crashes outside of Tehran last night? If coincidental, that is next-level demonic.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

There's no point asking if we've learned anything since Iraq - the answer is no.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

We’re still saying chillax, right?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Didn’t know the End Times would feature Baby Yoda.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Remember the George W Bush lying us into war then dumb down an already dumb guy by a factor of ten.

Voila!

That's where we are today.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mistermoman likes this

Been teaching myself piano for a year. If I made one of those videos showing how people progress after a year of study, you would see me playing exactly as badly as before but with far less confidence.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Oh - old headline. Still, put her in a plastic bubble

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Underrated snack food: salted cashews. Let’s make 2020 the year of occasional cashew snacking.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I have nothing to report regarding the year just begun.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I did a mediocre job in 2019. Expect more of the same in 2020.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Conservatives ran out of ideas and then they started hating ideas.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mistermoman likes this

Feeling every single one of my 32 years today.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Attacks on both Jews and Muslims are at all-time highs, which serves as another tragic reminder of how anti-Semitism and Islamophobia are inextricably linked, springing from the same well of hate: white supremacy.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mistermoman likes this

Maybe autocracy is inevitable when the vast majority of people are barely keeping their heads above water financially and the future looks even worse. Have a great 2020.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

My favorite part of college football is 100% stickers on the helmets.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Let’s just dispense with wishing each other a happy new year. At this point we pretty much know the coming year will be a shitfest.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

Watching Two Popes and getting all horny.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Merry Christmas from this aging Jew.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mistermoman likes this

Made Christmas cookies this morning, which makes me a bad Jew but I will be charging exorbitant interest on them so maybe I’m the best Jew?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Just for fun, let's impeach him again.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Being in bed at a reasonable hour is my favorite way to celebrate every occasion.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Today would be a great day to start giving Nancy Pelosi the
damn credit that she deserves

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Safe to say that the president has learned his lesson and we are now done with scandals.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I wish a Democrat would get up and say, you know what, my “friends” on the other side of the aisle? You are correct. We DON'T 'like' the President. We don't 'like' him because he called Mexicans rapists. /1

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Happy Impeachment Eve!

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Maybe it shouldn’t come as such a surprise that a television network whose main operating expense is artificial snow eventually discovered the tension that might exist between people who understand that sappy Christmas romanticism is kitsch and those who don’t.

twitter.com

#twitter, #michaelianblack

Think back over the last 50 years or so. The aberration isn't Trump. It was Obama.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Right after they impeach him, I hope they impeach him again.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mistermoman likes this

An earlier version of this tweet incorrectly identified the venue because my intern is an idiot. (I don't have an intern.)

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

From what I've been able to gather from watching the impeachment debate is that the Democrats seem to be in favor of impeachment and the Republicans appear to be opposed. I am currently available for appearances on national news programs.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I'd like to have a really good career but only if it means I never have to go anywhere or do anything.

twitter.com

#twitter, #michaelianblack

Now that we’re our own nation, I propose that American Jews formally recognize Palestine.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mistermoman likes this

As a member of the new nation of Jew, I would like to propose that our passports come pre-stamped by George Soros and include detachable horns/pocket protectors.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mistermoman likes this

GOP: But if we let women have abortions how will they ever lose a child in a mass shooting?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

This shit* is so depressing.

*life

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

GOP argument is Trump was "skeptical" of meeting with Ukrainian president Zelensky because of Ukraine's history of corruption but he's more than happy to meet with and befriend:

Putin
Kim
Erdogan
Orban
MSB

Is it possible that the GOP argument is total and complete bullshit?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fionacatherine likes this

I want to make a promise to you guys right now: when I become a billionaire, I will not run for President.

twitter.com

#twitter, #michaelianblack

My daily emotional schedule:

7:30-9:00 Angry at being awake
9:00-2:00 Anxious about everything
2:00-3:00 Nap
3:00-bed A husk

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Fuck it - Van Halen 2020.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Twitter is the place where adults go to tell on each other.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Happy Thobscuring. The final episode of OBSCURE is available today. If you haven’t checked it out yet, feel free to listen to the previous 74 episodes.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Happy Thanksgiving. This year I am thankful for how hard everybody tries, from people to puppies.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

The only things I truly want to do anymore:

1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Read books
4. Play poker

And if I had to pick a fifth, I guess spend time with my wife and kids.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

New GOP defense:

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Is it me or is Sondland blowing the lid off this whole thing?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Nobody in my circle of friends and advisors has gone to jail. What’s wrong with me?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

New episode out today BTW

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

I don't know much about technology or the economy, but I'm pretty sure that your car key should unlock any car that's worse than yours.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Hold up - we're only impeaching him NOW?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Wait, Stephen Miller is a white nationalist? The same Stephen Miller we've been saying is a white nationalist for the last three years? How could this be?

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

There’s just no better indicator of wisdom and character than ungodly amounts of money.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

As I was leaving my home in Connecticut for Buffalo, NY, I thought to myself “Should I bring a coat?”

“No,” I thought. “I’ll be fine.”

Friends, I was mistaken.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

New York Times, don't even come at me with your crossword puzzle until Thursday.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Mounds is a good and underrated candy bar. Also sounds like what you might call a sweet pair of boobies.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Life hack: be the first one of your friends to die. That way you don’t have to be sad when your friend dies.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

Trick-or-treaters, we’re giving out homemade mashed potatoes and gravy! One ladleful per child, please.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

So thrilled the game plan I put together for the Nats worked out.

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#twitter, #michaelianblack

BREAKING: We just blocked Alabama's abortion ban.

With this federal court ruling, it's official: None of the state abortion bans passed earlier this year are in effect.

Abortion remains legal in all 50 states.

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There's something to be said for watching other people play sports. Surprised more people aren't into this.

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Everything’s annoying

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Just thought to myself “I miss Jeff Sessions,” but that can’t be right.

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Completed five errands today. I think I’m now part of the Marvel Universe.

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Just woke up. Who's president?

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But, for real, who the fuck still uses Facebook?

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This Thursday I'm in Baltimore at Otto Bar, Friday and Saturday I'm at the Arlington Draft House in DC. Every other day I'm sitting at home crying.

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As long as we’re giving props to HRC for being right about Trump, she was also correct, years before, about there being a vast right wing conspiracy.

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Mistermoman likes this

Married 21 years today. I knew that the traditional 20 year anniversary gift is china, but I had no idea that 21 is betraying our allies to Turkey.

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Fionacatherine likes this

Shut up, Lindsey Graham.

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Fionacatherine likes this

Watching Bernie, I'm amazed he's only had one heart attack.

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I still think W was the worse president, but Trump is really making it a horse race!

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If he wins, do we have to call him President Mayor Pete?

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Proud to announce I just ate my third apple cobbler in three days. 3 for 3
on apple cobbler.

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I’ve had apple cobbler two nights in a row. AMA

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If one of your personal attorneys ends up the subject of a criminal investigation and goes to jail, ok, but if the guy who replaced him *also* ends up under criminal investigation.... it’s starting to get a little weird, right?

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Mistermoman likes this

I think his tax returns will show that his greatest weakness is that he cares too much.

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Biggest story in the world right now is Mike Postle and I don't want to hear any different.

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In the end, they’re going to have to confront the fact that they got taken by a cheap, big-mouthed loser with a shitty combover.

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I think I just gave up. Feels good.

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Not trying to brag, but I was just on a podcast.

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codytatman likes this

Senator Rubio, please tell Turkey the president was joking! I mean, Turkey is funny just to say!

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My favorite thing of the last 72 hours is the idea that Marco Rubio and Jim Jordan are the arbiters of what's funny.

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McConnell goes to Trump and tells him to pack his shit. Trump puts up a fight, but ultimately realizes he can’t win. He agrees in exchange for pardon, declares victory, goes home, and three days later Melania files for divorce.

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Mistermoman and Fionacatherine like this

Friday: monsoon of kerfuckery

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Can he also ask China to find something on Ricky Noy who was such a dick to me in high school?

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Hey Providence, RI: I'm at the Columbus Theater tomorrow night! Two shows! WILL BE PERFORMING TOTALLY NUDE!

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Watching Hillary Clinton being interviewed on Maddow. Answering questions in complete, coherent sentences. Unpresidential.

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Something in my garbage can smells really bad. I think it might be your mom?

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Tuesday: real bad

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Providence RI: I’m at the Columbus Theater this Friday 10/5. Two shows. I’ll be telling enjoyable jokes.

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Monday: disaster.

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Civil Wars are good and easy to win.

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Is there any sane person who believes the coming week will be good for the president?

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Can you feel it?

It’s coming to an end.

Twitter will be back to nip slips and celebrity break-ups before you know it.

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And did the NRA say which country’s money they would be using to fund the impeachment defense?

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Just so I understand this, the same NRA that was just named by the Senate as a foreign agent of Russia is now offering to fund our president’s impeachment defense in exchange for him continuing to let Americans slaughter each other with assault weapons? Cool, cool.

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Do you guys remember when Donald Fucking Trump was president? That was weird.

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The only surprising thing about the Trump Ukraine scandal is that Jared Kushner doesn’t seem to be involved.

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If we’ve learned one thing over the last couple years, it’s that Donald Trump is really bad at picking lawyers.

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Mistermoman likes this

I’m just not sure that a pattern of explicit attempts to extort a country defending itself from invasion by one of our chief adversaries for personal gain rises to the level of an impeachable offense.

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Mistermoman likes this

So, the Trump Presidential Library is just gonna be a flaming dumpster behind an Atlantic City casino, isn't it

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Mistermoman likes this

This is exactly why I don’t like to talk on the phone. You take ONE call and the next thing you know you’re getting impeached for extorting a foreign nation to dig up dirt on your political rival. Literally happens EVERY TIME!

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Mistermoman likes this

God, imagine if the whistleblower turns out to be hot

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Why does CNN always have on 15-20 panelists at a time? It's too many panelists! You're going to run out of panelists, CNN!

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This morning I watched "Between Two Ferns" and laughed a lot. Recommended for highlarity.

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It’s fine - it’s just extortion!

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Mistermoman and dor1316 like this