JulieKlausner's Posts

Trans women are women???
Trans women are women???
Trans women are women???
Trans women are women???
Trans women are women???

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?????? twitter.com/doublethreatpo…

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petegutz2 likes this

?????? twitter.com/themickydolenz…

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?? tiny warrior ?? twitter.com/berniceking/st…

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Nirvana's Zeppo has some thoughts.

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Melania Melania Melania... Look at that "smile" She's pissed he brushed up against her. twitter.com/therecount/sta…

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The #1 funniest thing about old Hollywood is that we're supposed to believe Vincent Price was scary. He ALWAYS seemed like a nice gay man. Like if he's gonna kill you with anything it's going to be wonderful Gene Tierney stories.

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Mental Health Checkpoint! I just thought about doing a commercial for shelter cats featuring a song parody of "One Fine Day" that goes "One fine day, you're gonna want me for your cat" and started to cry. Happy Friday, gang!

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"In 2019, on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, the cast of the film Avengers: Endgame made a parody of [We Didn't Start The Fire] that depicted the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe as well as several characters . . . from the Marvel comic books"

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PIZZA PARTY!!!!!

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I saw a great ad for cat food where a woman ignores her kid because her cat is perched on her shoulder purring and I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m not being sarcastic when I say how much I loved it and I’ve been up since 4 AM

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Lawrence of Arabia won Oscars. They’re showing Rambo Pop-Up Video style

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One of Arthur’s nicknames for you during quarantine would definitely be ‘sourdough starter’

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(Michael Bolton “How Can We Be Lovers” voice

HOW CAN I BE HUNGRY IF I JUST ATE LUNCH

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(Michael Bolton “How Can We Be Lovers” voice

HOW CAN I BE HUNGRY IF I JUST ATE LUNCH

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I'm not *mad* but I'm not happy.

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I’d say there’s a special place in hell for Etsy artists who pack their work in confetti but I bet they’re just in general admission hell

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I’m going to have to take a break from Twitter until I stop seeing posts about cruelty to pasta

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Since Yoko Ono is trending, it's a good opportunity to remind you that she's a fascinating musician and lifelong badass, and your jokes are old and tired.

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Not to chatty today

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Mood: I posted a screenshot from Last of SHEILA along with a caption saying it was one of my favorite movies, woke up to a comment from a guy saying “you know it was written by Sondheim and Perkins!” Like- does this happen to.....never mind

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I’m just sitting here thinking about how mad the Coen brothers must be that they never first discovered Edward G Robinson

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Is “Run” short for “I’ve run out of things to watch so I’m going to pay attention to people text on a train”?

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Patty Hearst loves putting Andy Borowitz headlines on her Instagram feed

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I’ve been gaslighted since episode one about Crystal Methyd and I’m sick of it.

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When it sez on the frozen pizza box how long it takes to cook it, they need to factor in the prep time of me finding and scraping off all the black olives

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Ben Shapiro has chutzpah calling himself Jewish in the absence of a single dingleberry of 'rachamim,' or compassion/empathy/mercy. Also, DeBlazzy, the folks in Williamsburg who swarmed the streets aren't ambassadors of the "Jewish Community." Signed, The Jewish community. :)

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I've finally calmed down enough to ask: did anyone else in Downtown Manhattan hear a VERY LOUD LOW-FLYING PLANE about I have no idea ago? Because Jesus Christ?

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Also, I could use some more links to recipes

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Julie in 2020 trying to explain COVID19 to Julie in 2015:

2015 Julie: huh.

Julie in 2020 telling Julie in 2015 that Linda Lavin is doing a live YouTube performance of The Boy From...”

2015 Julie: WHAT?!????????

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Morning Quarantine Game Show: should I have cut my bangs last night???????

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Generously buttered noodles— dangerously, in the view of some experts—sprinkled with just a quarter cup of parsley for freshness, are the perfect blank canvas for the powers of sunlight, ultraviolet light & household disinfectants

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The world is a vast hellscape right now, but remember, the mandarin word for “penguin” literally translates to “business goose”

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The Long Goodbye is on Amazon Prime, and it teaches us a lesson about getting your cat the kind of food he wants. Go to a second grocery store, Phil Marlowe!

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scary to think of a post-quar world where I’m in a rich person’s house for no reason and I see something from the A24 charity auction and I go “oh is this from the charity auction” and they go “well it was for charity haha” and I go “that’s cool” and they go “yeah I love movies”

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This Earth Day, the planet is trepidatiously thriving in the recent absence of humans like somebody enjoying the first birthday in a while without her abusive partner hovering. She knows he'll be back soon, though, so she never truly relaxes. Anyway, have a nice day!

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I love and have always loved and will continue to love UCB and I believe it will endure somehow. I owe my career to its community.

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I keep cleaning my apartment and I think I'm hoping in the process that it somehow gets bigger that's what she said?

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Day 40: Ellen just gave me an Eggo waffle for writing a game where contestants have to do the “Single Ladies” dance or get electrocuted.

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Did you know you can tell someone about an idea you had in the shower without telling them you were in the shower when you thought of it?

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My cat is asleep in the bathtub like a goddamn alcoholic

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Drop the mic and run away as fast as possible take: What’s Up, Doc? is first and foremost an Austin Pendleton movie.

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I wish – and I cannot stress this enough – to go to the festival.

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Literally throwing a chair around my apartment because this streaming exercise class froze no fewer than 14 times and I’m so mad

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IDK if youve ever written jokes in your dreams but they’re always groaners if they even make sense. Anyway just dream-wrote something about sleeping in so late, “the 7 PM cheer was my ALARM CLOCK!”

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I’m only going episodes into Unorthodox but I don’t know if I can continue without knowing whether Moische & Yanky’s snack of CHERRIES AND WESSON OIL is discussed

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I want Stephen Sondheim to hear the new Fiona Apple record.

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I've always SAID Dr. Oz was a Dracula and you all ignored me!!

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Lol I just looked inside a purse from six weeks ago. There is stuff inside of it!!!!!!!!!

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Harold dances a little too soon after Maude’s death?

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Your Die Hard is a Christmas movie needs to step aside for my Easter Parade is an Ann Miller movie

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Bored /angry like me? Text USPS to 50409 and they’ll contact your state reps on your behalf with a petition to save the damn post office (how is this actually happening?)

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Richard Belzer waiting by his phone still, ready to get the call from Lorne to “bring it” with his Fauci

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If I can’t see Baldwin, how do I know whether he’s doing that thing with his mouth

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I’m open to you texting me screenshots of your Zoom Seder but know you’re going to make me cry when I see them!

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That you canceled Difficult People before launching QUIBI, Hollywood, is foolish. We could have dined out! Even with restaurants closed!

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Welcome.....to the QUIB-antine.

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It may be the point of Le Quarantiny when I rewatch Phantom of the Paradise

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Should I get out of bed?
1) Julie.
2) JULIE.
3) I don’t know how to make a poll

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"He thinks it's not kosher" is either a strategic way to persuade people not to rock the casbah or just an example of wasting everybody's time by saving your best point until the end of an argument.

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I love New York, I am a proud New Yorker, watching POS #45 tell us to drop dead truly truly truly makes it necessary for us to make sure he knows his family, and his real estate, is not welcome here.

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I’ve been up since 4 thinking about 1) how disgusting tongues are and 2) worrying about Fran Lebowitz. Is she okay? I love her. Okay thanks.

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Thank you, pets on ZOOM this week.

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you can’t spell popular novel coronavirus without Cornpop......

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Me: If you haven’t gazed into your pet’s eyes this week and cried because you love him more than he can ever know I can’t relate to you
You: quarantine’s tough, huh?
Me: there’s a quarantine?
You: ma’am this is an Arby’s

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NONE of you should be wearing bras right now.

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I'm at the point of my quarantine where I'm very seriously considering writing long emails to all of my grudge subjects who may not know EXACTLY why I stopped speaking to them.

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Tho honestly maybe I shall be selling hot doges for cash in a shortly! 2020 baby!!! Makin’ it!

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Yeah, why don't we announce something exciting in sixty seconds.

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When do women get to stop eating salads? When we’re dead?

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Robbed, I say!#DragRace

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It’s Been

One week since we quarantined
Said we’d all stay inside
And eat our groceries

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I might be in the watch Inglourious Basterds every day phase of things!

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If any of you have a loved one in Los Angeles over the age of 60 and would like me to pick up and deliver groceries for them, please let me know. Amazon Fresh is not working for me here, so I can imagine this will present a problem for others. I will be wearing gloves + n95 mask.

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Here’s the problem - the average small business is barely making ends meet in normal times. Cut off 2-3 months of revenue and they are in a DEEP hole. Then when the business reopens the hole remains. Plus it takes a while to get fully revved up again. Many will never recover.

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As a small business owner WTF good is a loan if I have no business coming in? I'm paying my employees for as long as I have money left to pay them but it would be nice if the government stepped in in an emergency and helped by giving money and assistance direct to them.

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KnightofSIAL likes this

hi! serious inquiry — if you know of any uptown families that are trying to re-home a small animal please ping me.

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I got the just bought swifter wet refill pads on eBay blues

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Gotta stay inside, party animals. Plenty of fucking and sucking to do in your ratty home, you dumb brain dead alcoholics!

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This tweet is disaster relief and I demand gratitude

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I know it’s not what the song’s about but I‘m imagining a version of BEING ALIVE that demands someone to remove my makeup for me when I fall asleep in front of the TV.

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Brava, McMillion$!!!!! And where is my ROBIN TRIPPING IN THE CEMETERY GIF?!?!

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Let’s see what happens when he grab em by the wallet.

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Sometimes it’s not about you. Or me!

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ok this is legendary

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Imagine texting with your friends about something BESIDES the Sherry Pie thing

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I'm still furious about HUNTERS.

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Also for god sake, call Gaga for this. It’s Menken, not Marvel.

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Go up to a female stranger right now and tell her Weinstein guilty and watch her face, I just did it & it was amazing.

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Bye bitch!!!!!!!

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As a Jew I am owed significant reparatory compensation for the ten hours I spent watching HUNTERS this weekend

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I’ve muted all your hot takes. Go ahead: start a fight with a ghost. I’ll see you in the voting booth in November. I’ll be the one with IBS quoting Men in Black, cradling an emotional support koala.

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May #logoff Twitter until after the election or the end of the world. Regardless, I will leave you with this:
1) I will vote for whomever the Dems nominate. This ain’t no disco.
2) Reneé Zellweger’s speech made no sense after she thanked her reps but I hope she had fun making it

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The end of the motion picture Se7en is a very good lesson to never engage with trolls no matter what!

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I’m voting for Warren because she’s in the pocket of Big Golden Retriever

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Inject McMillionz into my veins, I can’t get enough

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ARE Y'ALL SEEING THIS CROOKED ASS SHIT VOTE FOR THE NOMINEE I DON'T CARE IF IT'S CAPTAIN DAMN CRUNCH

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Zing Zing Zing went the Xanax

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Whatever happens tonight, at least we all now know for sure that Bill “Bojangles” Robinson was mentioned in the stage direction of JOKER

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There’s a lady in this waiting room wearing an oversized pink fleece with Thumper from BAMBI on it. Naturally I told her I loved her top, and she stage-whispered “It’s pajamas!” and WINKED. Legends are everywhere if you open your eyes.

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Wait, what happened last night in Iowa? Was the Super Bowl halftime show THAT good????

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Listen, we ALL miss The Mineshaft.

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Black Mirror top five of all time.

1. No Witnesses
2. Both Sides
3. Standing by Roy Moore
4. San Junipero
5. Access Hollywood Tape

Honorable Mention to Muslim Ban, Jews as a Nationality, and Squee.

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And if you're about to recommend a place that has pita any thinner than THE WIDTH OF A ROBUST THUMB, save your tweet!

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I am deleting this so nobody knows how stupid I am!!

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Do you think Fran Lebowitz feels vulnerable

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Auschwitz was a death camp. But every person whose life ended there or passed through there, be they Jewish, Queer, Romani, Communist, or Resister was so much more than their deaths. Remember that and work for the dignity of all in our own time. #Auschwitz75

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It is #HolocaustMemorialDay.

The Nazis targeted

Jews
Romani people
Disabled people
Queer and trans people
People with the “wrong” political beliefs
Slavs
and others.

Never again means we all have to stand together when any of us is under attack.

Never again is now.

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The Jonas Brothers strutting around like they run this Zara.

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There is so much to be angry about and yet I just heard Warren Zevon's cover of Judee Sill's divine "Jesus Was a Crossmaker" & the notion that some may have only heard that song via his version is making me want to punch the wall like Adam Driver or MIKE NESMITH better reference

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Anyway, sorry for the long-winded thing, but Terry Jones was just brilliant and bonkers and long may his work reign. Rest In Peace.

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You are nineteen going on seventeen / baby, I’m just- NO THANKS

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Here is how you write a script. You have coffee and then you open Final Draft and then you say "I should delete some files so my computer can run quickly and my script in progress doesn't crash" and then you find a photo of your first cat who is no longer alive and then you CRY.

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Elizabeth Warren rules. I gave her money.

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#DiscoDisco #GoodGood

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“How does one go and clean/ a foam beauty blender?/ I think we just throw them away.”

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Bdsm where my sub move is letting men explain the Safdies and uncut gems to me

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I usually ignore Jewish Currents because of its total lack of moral credibility, and I don't have the time or temperament for hate reading. But I have to say something about their editorial about violent attacks against Orthodox Jews.

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I know Harvey Weinstein's walker seems excessive but all of the canes we tried in rehearsal seemed too tap-dancey.

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Can you guys text me with Rita Wilson HMU updates? I set up notifications but I don’t trust them. Thanks.

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Norma Desmond was fifty.

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This Sondheim philharmonic special is very REED-heavy so far!!!!!!!!!

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And Fuck Trump.

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Just lying in bed counting failures instead of sheep!

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It’s a little surprising that Obama finds it necessary to rank the Victoria’s Secret Angels every year, but his list is dead on.

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????????????????
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ZINGIEST JAPES
????????????????
????????????????
???????????????

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Imagine how in one week from tonight we shall all be reveling in Ricky Gervais’s tangiest stingers

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????????????????
????????????????
????????????????
I don't understand how this meme works
but I want next year to be less shitty
????????????????
????????????????
????????????????

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[spelling bee]

judge: your word is "walk"

me: walk, W-A-L-K walk

judge: [takes off judge's mask to reveal he is my dog] i fucken knew it you piece of shit

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Imagine all the attention Jonny Hinckley Jay Jay could have gotten from actresses on the Tweeter instead of doing the bang bang

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Just saw Cats. I have no notes! 100/10 SEND

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I saw Parasite again- such a brilliant, fab, nasty little movie- and wished it had ended on the 2nd to last shot instead of the last one, “like Raising Arizona.” Then I realized R.A. ends on the overhead shot of H.I. in bed so basically Parasite is perfect

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Yes I googled one of those things

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If u share Kevin Spac*y’s videos, you’re publishing the Zodiac Killer’s manifesto in your paper even tho you know who he is

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I was saying yesterday that Tom Hooper should go to director jail but now I think he should go to regular jail

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Tom Hooper should be punished.

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Santacon is bad

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I know “they want us” to lose our minds but, like, too late. I’ve lost my mind with these monsters.

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THE WOMEN (1939) Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford, Rosalind Russell. Dir: George Cukor 12:00 AM ET

A married woman lets her catty friends talk her into divorce when her husband strays.

B/W, 133 mins, CC, #comedy #TCM

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#savebeetlejuice

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Serpico has a sheepdog

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What is the opposite of a Sephora haul video

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Don’t yuck* my yum**.

*fuck
**wife

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One day I will rate all of the characters in Cry-Baby from best to worst in terms of whether their names are good for cats but for tonight please know that number one is “Mrs Vernon-Williams”

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Gonna hold off on judging this Bikram guy until the end of the doc! Could go either way with this cool dude!

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The 2019 Sondheim streak (Joker/Marriage Story/ Morning Show) continues with Daniel Craig singing LOSING MY MIND in Knives Out and your think piece is meritless without that inclusion!!!!!!

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THE LATE SHOW (1977) Art Carney, Lily Tomlin, Bill Macy. Dir: Robert Benton 6:15 PM ET

An aging private eye hooks up with a Hollywood eccentric to investigate his partner's murder.

Color, 93 mins, CC, #comedy #TCM

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Update: I am not

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Anybody else fantasize about what they’d do to Nazis while they’re working out?

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Watched all 5 ep.s of The Devil Next Door last night and am parched for the unambiguous cooling balm of the Eichmann trial!

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Thoughts and prayers for the person whose job it is to launder Constance Wu’s sheets!!!!!!!

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It cannot be denied! Heidi Klum loves Halloween!

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Staff me! #WGAStaffingBoost! Not a Halloween "Trick!" Not a dirty joke/command! I'm in NYC and my apartment is extremely expensive!

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All this Peter Luger chat makes me think of the time I passed the Puck building and heard an out of town couple call the statue "Cupid" instead of Puck and I laughed so hard I spilled my matcha oat latte onto my crisp white Misha Nonoo husband shirt and then we lost the election

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Who will fund my Kate Bush biopic starring wait for it twelve cats

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I just saw THE OMEN for the first time- aren’t all little boys like that? At least this one came with dogs!

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I finally watched all of SUCCESSION and I wanted to say I liked J. Smith-Cameron’s Cynthia Rowley caftan in the season 2 finale. Is this a popular take? A spoiler? Ah, fuck you.

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Are the anti-abortion protesters singing Paul Simon’s GRACELAND?? I have to move to another neighborhood.

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Update: it was just unplugged! Everything is fine!

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Also, I'm for hire! #WGAStaffingBoost

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That last tweet will appeal to nobody but I don't care, I think it's my best of all time.

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*goes to Parisian retirement home, wakes up 88-year-old Jean-Luc Godard from a nap*

"I need you to watch 'Avengers: Age of Ultron' right now and tell me what you think."

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Waking up from a sex dream about Beto is a harbinger of what exactly? Where is Joseph? I am Pharaoh !! Gimme good news or to jail with you!

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Get rid of the term sitz baths because they are just regular baths and we don’t need to know how you position yourself in the tub to take one. I concede that I like how the term has a sassy Z in it bc they should really just be called Sit Baths, or nothing as I previously pitched

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This MN rally footage is an infomercial for the 25th amendment.

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I deleted a tweet about somebody who did no research having confidence going into a job interview bc the tweet pissed people off and I truly don’t care about my tweets enough to get into it with anybody! Life is too short!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

$Just now remembered my (brief) interview with the straight white cis male who applied to be my assistant for s2 of Difficult People. He told me RIGHT AWAY that he hadn’t seen a single episode. Tap into that confidence, friends. Just a fraction of it will get you far.$

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Logging on just to point out that Matt Lauer’s statement is sort of stunningly the exact opposite of Yom Kippur

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#twitter, #julieklausner

This is the holiest day of year for Jewish people. And it's been defiled by yet another murderous attack on a synagogue. Today in Halle Germany. Reports indicate 2 people killed.

Today we mourn those lost in Pittsburgh, Poway and now Halle. Pray for the victims & their families.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I need a detailed plot summary of THE ONANIA CLUB online, and I need it now. #horrorcurious

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#twitter, #julieklausner

One of the many things that distorted the shaping of my young brain was learning that Al Bundy didn't want to fuck his horny wife. She wanted it! She was hot! What was his problem? Fuck your horny wife!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

JUDY DAVIS IS AUSTRALIAN?! she exclaimed to her own IMDB search. Even the barista could hear the interrobang.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Can somebody text me when it’s safe to post a poster for Bye Bye Birdie only it says Bye Bye Bibi??????

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Street fair and somebody is playing piano man on a guitar

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#twitter, #julieklausner

are there hoverboards in the testaments

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I am an influencer and I need to see 63 UP please help

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#twitter, #julieklausner

When the croutons are gone, the salad is over.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Pence only deserves a hot lunch

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#twitter, #julieklausner

IS “DEAR JESSIE” THE GAY SERGEANT PEPPER?????????????????

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Day 24: Today Jerry's driving Dane Cook in a '59 Eldorado. I pitched that Jerry should point at the tailfins and say, "This car has more tips than Gary Gulman." He said, "You're on thin ice."

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I for one would love nothing more than to watch Sean Spicer do the worm

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Gina Gershon getting into it with her commenters about Woody Allen on Instagram is the only soothing balm of 2019.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

"What were you doing when the world crumbled in on itself like the gory debris of a rotted broken house on fire?"

"Counting the lines female characters had in Tarantino movies"

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#twitter, #julieklausner

This moose > Martin Scorsese

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Hands down the best tweet of all time.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I’m watching the Alan Carr documentary and rewinding so I don’t miss a detail about Ann-Margret and I guess I’m having an amazing ComicCon so thank you

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#twitter, #julieklausner

[to the tune of “Hey Big Spender”]

C’C’C’C’C’Cats cats cats cats / cats c’cats c’cats c’cats cat-cat-cat-cat-cat / a real cat cat-cat

SEND

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Dear all of you, it must be nice to have the self-esteem to do these "I'm old" filters!!!!!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Are frozen thin mints the CLACKIEST cookie? Fav or RT for yes, ignore for YESSSS

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Peter Farrelly’s Quibi suicide comedy. Peter Farrelly’s Quibi suicide comedy.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I’m sorry, Trump cannot “clap back” at Jimmy Carter.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Another pride weekend kicked off by me comparing psychobilly to gothabilly on Wikipedia

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#twitter, #julieklausner

FRANCE: we're fancy
WORLD: ok
FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich is our national lunch
WORLD:
FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich with an egg is its wife

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Oh good, that’s just what The Handmaid’s Tale was missing this season! Body horror!

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Yeah I'm pretty sure Steve went to take notes.....

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#twitter, #julieklausner

However Sarah Fabian sleeps at night, it's in a bed under a blanket that isn't made out of foil.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Handmaids Tale writers: we made a mistake having Serena give away that baby
Serena: I made a mistake giving away that baby!
Aunt Lydia: I have a zapper now

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Happy Mother Fucker’s Day.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

We talking about basketball now? I’m still mad about the Tonys. Trying to read the room tho.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Rachel Chavkin giving that speech after beating those demographically uniform contenders was truly great.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Opening number: Fuck TV! 3 minutes after the first commercial break: backstage audio interrupts host’s patter on a TV show distractingly #TonyAwards

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The moon is not a part of mars.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

swatchUSA likes this

Don’t these folks looking for a Straight Pride Parade know about Santa Con?

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#twitter, #julieklausner

"Kevin Spacey arrived in Nantucket" =The beginning of the world's most upsetting limerick.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I have eaten my first impossible burger and I pray it agrees with my tum-tum, because I will never go back to Bocas and the like.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

your just clueless aren’t you.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Even though our country is divided, I think we can all agree that Kamala Harris’s protestor is extremely cool

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#twitter, #julieklausner

If season 2 of big little lies isn’t just the filmed production of Avenue Q that reese witherspoon’s character directed broken up into episodic portions I am going to lock myself up in nicole kidman’s wig closet and never come out

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I just want to say that I want to see a queen of size win Drag Race, and I think it’s high time. Have a nice day.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Anybody know if Yvie can do a backbend? I’m honestly not certain

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#twitter, #julieklausner

BLOCKBUSTER PUSSY

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Also? MICHELLE FUCKING WILLIAMS. Good night.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I think Mr. Know-It-All May be John Waters’s best book.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Serious q - does anybody here have a difficult people tattoo? Send me a pic if u know somebody demented enough to etc.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Why isn't there a snuffleapagus mascara. OK signing off now.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Sitting here thinking about the confidence it takes for a guy to comment "you should really read Shock Value and Crackpot" on my Insta of John's new book and also the confidence that seems to come baked into other men for DOUBLING DOWN on anything delicate. Impressive!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

#TeamVanjie 4 LIFE

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Nnnnnnope!!!!!!! #dragrace

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Can you tweet to let people know that abortion is still legal in Alabama and all 50 states, please? The aclu is fighting it so nothing has changed yet. People just need to call their clinic and they’ll help. Please and thank you!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Alabama has outlawed abortion and now I know how big jack nicholson’s cock is. 2019, I swear the fuck to god

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Julie Klausner is a Disney Princess now.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

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#twitter, #julieklausner

TFW the gig is fun and easy and pleasant

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Miss vanjies mom is stunning

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Get you a man who tweets about cucks who gargle balls????

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Are any more E! personalities going to talk about Susan Sontag or can I close my eyes for a spell

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#twitter, #julieklausner

The pajama pants/ are the pants I want and/ I’m looking all around for my pajama pants and I/ can hardly wait to find the pants that feel so great/ nothings quite the same as my pa....JAMA PANTS!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

AHMAD SIMMONS IS A SUPERB BEN VEREEN. GOOD NIGHT

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#twitter, #julieklausner

So passive much unaccountable.

“To this day, I regret I couldn’t give her the kind of hearing she deserved. I wish I could have done something.”

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#twitter, #julieklausner

While u all were watching the game of trones I was wondering for an hour how Judy and Ann Miller got along while filming Easter parade

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#twitter, #julieklausner

What if it's the Mancow Mueller report tho

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#twitter, #julieklausner

If Quimby’s a rockin’ don’t bother knockin’

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Please never forget that, once on THE SLAP, they indicated a married couple was fucking by showing a Chris Ware book rhythmically jostling on their nearby coffee table.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Of fucking course #IStandWithTheWGA

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Baby shoes doo doo doo-doo do-doo
Baby shoes doo doo doo-doo do-doo
Baby shoes
Shoes for sale doo doo doo-doo do-doo
Shoes for sale doo doo doo-doo do-doo
Shoes for sale
Never worn doo doo doo-doo do-doo
Never worn doo doo doo-doo do-doo
Never worn

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I'm beginning to think I'm not going to get a role on Veep.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

In a way, NIGHT OF THE HUNTER was the original DIRTY JOHN, she said out loud to a photo of an Irish setter

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Gotta love Bill Maher standing up for Brett Kavanaugh!!!!!!!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

The only real tragedy is that Paul Bartel and David Lochary never starred in a movie as Ricky Jay’s estranged brothers

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I keep thinking about THE INVENTOR being so shady to Errol Morris and now I'm wondering if, with this doc, Alex Gibney made his own TABLOID but found a crazier blonde lead and ooooh I love celebrity BEEF!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

If anybody wants me to have an advance copy of the new John Waters book, I would like to accept that gratefully from the universe thank you

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Sometimes you’re the smilf and sometimes you’re the smilved.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Felt this same way when Difficult People was cancelled tbh

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The hotel room Cher gets just for her wigs calling down to the desk to ask Stevie Nicks's shawl room to keep it down

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Muting everything on twitter that makes me miserable and jealous and left out, so I’m just reading NY1 weather tweets over and over in the middle of the night.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

This isn't great for the Jews.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I know it lives way down on the list of “most problematic things about the movie MANHATTAN,” but it bothers me that nobody ever talks about how, in that famous silhouette of the sunrise over the Queensboro bridge, Diane Keaton’s character’s weiner dog, WAFFLES, is also there.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

PASS THIS ON

the first transgender suicide hotline is now up and running in the U.S. you can reach trans lifeline at 877-565-8860.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

This is such an outrageous, blatant lie - every single person should be screaming about it until he apologizes. The best we’ll get is an article with some fucking Pinocchios

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Wake me up when they do a Criterion for Shallow Hal and then tell me to go back to bed

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#twitter, #julieklausner

At a meeting before filming began on "There's Something About Mary," the director admittedly flashed his genitals at the actress to be "funny." CONGRATS PETER FARRELLY!!!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Motion to replace Brett Kavanaugh with the incarcerated gentleman who clocked John Wayne Bobbitt from behind when they were in jail together, then telling him “you don’t beat women.”

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Can’t sleep and keep thinking “I love my curvy knife.” Is that a thing? Or do people not get the original reference anymore so it’s just weird

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#twitter, #julieklausner

With time travel I would be seriously on the fence as to whether I would kill Hitler or stop myself from watching Dr Pimple Popper

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#twitter, #julieklausner

The funny thing is, Weight Watchers rebranded as “WW” to distance itself from diet culture. But they keep this misogynist on their payroll? I know it’s about the bottom line, but it’s branding without backup and a huge “fuck you” to their base.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

If you’re calling out Ilhan Omar’s anti-Semitism But remained silent on Trump’s calling Nazis in Charlottesville “very fine people,” or Kevin McCarthy claiming “Soros & Bloomberg” are buying elections, you aren’t serious about anti-Semitism. Step aside.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Bassets never win the hound group.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Those of you in the NE be careful, it's slippery out there. And also be careful when slipping off a condom so that none of the fluid leaks inside the vagina.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Brett Kavanaugh’s daughters will always be able to get abortions

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#twitter, #julieklausner

None of you told me there was a scene about Lori Davis haircare in the Cher musical so I am moving to the woods for I trust no one

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#twitter, #julieklausner

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

There’s been a lot of talk about later abortion recently — including a lot of misinformation and callous lies about why people have abortions later in pregnancy. Let’s set the record straight. #SOTU

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#twitter, #julieklausner

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

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#twitter, #julieklausner

.David, because of comments like yours, I have raised almost 14 thousand dollars for Planned Parenthood. Do you want to keep engaging in this conversation or do you not understand how math works?

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Hi gang! If you’re still following “Fuck Jerry,” welcome to 2019. Ditch the zero! #FuckFuckJerry

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Does anybody from NYC remember the Vietnamese vegetarian ravioli from Kelley & Ping? It was this wonderful thick noodle wrapped around some mushrooms and other nice things? Please let me know if you know of anything similar in Manhattan bc I’m a craver of the savor.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Also Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney is a baller for dropping 500 into the kitty for this cause!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Sometimes you're trying to purge what you don't need from your kitchen cabinets and you say to yourself, "No, this smoothie blender doesn't spark joy. But it does spark smoothies."

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#twitter, #julieklausner

If you found my Twitter after reading about me & “abortion doctors should go to jail” fascist John Kasich on Fox News, which I guess picked up the story, please note that starting this morning, I’m giving a dollar for every comment in my mentions to Planned Parenthood. So dig in!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Sending out pipelines of love to our black and brown queer and trans siblings. With the trauma of Jussie Smollett’s attack we know it can be difficult to process.

• Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386
• Antiviolence Project: (212) 714-1141
• SAGE: (888) 234 -7243

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#twitter, #julieklausner

No day but last night, apparently. #rent

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#twitter, #julieklausner

“The name Emily Blunt is Cockney for what she’s playing.” - Julie Klausner on MARY POPPINS RETURNS proving why she’s one of the wittiest cultural critics around.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Mr. Sandmann...give me a break

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#twitter, #julieklausner

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Also am I the only one who thought that cheese sandwich from Fyre Fest looked pretty good

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I’m sorry but I stand by Buzzfeed’s statement that these 10 pictures will remind you of growing up in Los Angeles in the early 90s.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Text me if John Kasich talks about being sorry for stealing my seat on Bill Maher tonight

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I was on that flight. There was plenty of room at the back.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I have been reimbursed for this flatbread!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

*TSA folks I should say

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Of any of you are friends with Fran Lebowitz, my only resolution for 2019 is to be more like her. Please arrange a dinner. Thank u

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#twitter, #julieklausner

After thirty days of holiday hibernation, a still-sleepy entertainment executive wanders, almost drunkenly, toward the light. He squints. He inhales deeply. He takes note of the wind in the air. *Emily Blunt Mary Poppins voice* “it’s time.”

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#twitter, #julieklausner

If you stood for Christine Blasey Ford,

Hashtagged,
Tweeted,
Marched to DC,

You better stand for those #SurvivingRKelley

This is not an issue for just black women and girls.

And I continue to be disheartened how silent we are. And have been.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

My heart goes out to Kevin Hart, who is immersed in a high-stakes game of Taboo where he has to keep releasing statements without using the words “sorry” or “gay”

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#twitter, #julieklausner

It’s nearly 2 AM and I’m wasting my best material!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

My gentleman friend explained 2 me that I didn’t like bird box bc it was a zombie movie

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Hello, I’m a Jewish 40 year old woman in a movie. I’m not playing along with the meme, I’m doing THE SECRET

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Love that congress gets back to work before show business people in Los Angeles. No, you’re completely right- why start a week on a Wednesday? Better to have fresh eyes the following Monday. Perfect sense. Great work ethic!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Woke up in a cold sweat realizing rob marshall may very well have recycled catherine zeta-jones’s wig from chicago for the “cover is not a book” section of mary poppins

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Own a cat if you want to be the final girl in the cutest lil’ horror movie every day of your damn life!!!!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

How do I skip Christmas next year

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Take me with you, aliens. I don’t care that it’s a cook book

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#twitter, #julieklausner

The book from '51 says that a child with measles should be kept in a darkened room and the bowels must be kept open. A commenter sez "I love old books like this. It shows you how simple the remedies can be for these so-called life threatening diseases." Hashtag is #RawHoney

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Sunset Boulevard is a New Year's movie.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Transgender Suicide Hotline
877-565-8860

Veterans Crisis Hotline
800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line
Text: 741741

National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-7233

And if you don't want to call them, you can always reach out & talk to me. No judgement.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

he did an oopsie in his ribs-liker voice

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Wait til you see my Howard’s End!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I'm not precisely sure how I can continue going about my holiday season until Michael Rapaport weighs in on whether I'm attractive enough to work at Panera Bread

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Caring about the gender of gingerbread men is the first time Fox News has ever defended brown people.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Happy Holidays. Take your meds.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Fionacatherine likes this

A lotta tweets about that homeless muppet from you guys this week

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I am leaving my #sickbed to hang out with a #puppy

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I have had a cold for ten thousand and one days and nights and I will probably perish imminently so please remember me as somebody who was alarmingly skinny and so easy-going it would make children weep

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Seems like silica gel doth protest too much. I’ll bet it’s friggin’ delicious.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I think these seals should stop eel snorting.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

"Where's my HONEY?!" John Mahoney voice from BARTON FINK but it's me screaming "Where's my BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY SCREENER" and Judy Davis is my cat

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#twitter, #julieklausner

It literally said soul cycle on the bike. Did you know they sell those things? Individually? To private homes? I’m going to sleep until St Patrick’s Day to be safe.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Shutting down the post office for Bush in the middle of the holiday season wouldn’t be prudent, not at this juncture

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I know I might as well ask for a pet yooni-corn from planet Marz, but god DAMNIT I wish Fran Lebowitz had a podcast.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

The comments on the DListed post about Kat Von D's new baby are good.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I left my book at CVS.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

My cat just stood on top of my jigsaw puzzle in progress, took a bunch of puzzle pieces in his mouth and then spit them out while making eye contact the whole time. He doesn't want me to do this puzzle and that is probably fine.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I made a chocolate cake for Hanukah and it will fuck you up!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Inglourious Macabees

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I will not rest until Fred Armisen plays Ben Brantley.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

It’s 2018 why can’t somebody make me a hannukah menorah with all of the inglourious basterds as candle holders and brad pitt as the SHAMASH

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#twitter, #julieklausner

LAURA LOOMER, YOU WILL NOT RUIN HANNUKAH

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I have listened to the Dirty John show. I think it’s extremely funny that AMBROSIA INTERIOR DESIGN continues to thrive. Would you trust this woman’s judgement on a single OTTOMAN????!!!!?

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#twitter, #julieklausner

When I get three pieces of ziti stuck together, I think “ooh, a pan flute!” and then I chomp it.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Asking Twitter for a lot today but IDGAF I've given u so many hot takes over the years

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I'm counting THE JINX as a TV show!

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Ladies, if he:

- never responds to your texts
- doesn’t watch your Insta stories
- wears a wig
- has square, toeless feet
- developed Formula 86, a slow-acting candy ingredient designed to turns children into mice

He’s not your man. He’s the Grand High Witch

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Dear parents of children who do not have cancer: a casual measles exposure in a grocery store caused the following things to happen when my child was in chemotherapy:

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#twitter, #julieklausner

...I felt a *very* cold finger on my cheek and I turned around and I said, "Grandma?" and she goes, "Surprise, I'm alive and I work at Sears!" I said, "okay"... (3,047 of 4,625)

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#twitter, #julieklausner

It’s called SELF CARE

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#twitter, #julieklausner

All Gold Canyon with Tutti-Fruitti in retrograde.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

“Maybe I will go?” is the title of a children’s book written by the family dog.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Impeach the motherfucker already.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Unless I am cast in the Fosse FX miniseries as a Carnegie Deli waitress or the office manager of a rehearsal space, I will become so despondent I will probably move to outer space.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Remember when people were like "Trump will be great for comedy"?

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#twitter, #julieklausner

I know the chronology doesn't make sense but is it possible that the wild fires could be traced to Weekend Update's FIERY HOT TAKE on Amazon moving to NYC?

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#twitter, #julieklausner

My favorite in “Buster Scruggs” is Meal Ticket. Also, I had no idea there was a real President Pierce. Thank you.

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#twitter, #julieklausner

Chiming in to say: MISERY, STEPFORD WIVES, MARATHON MAN! #RIPWilliamGoldman

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I’m considering picking the mini marshmallows out of the packets of Swiss Miss I have in my cupboard and microwaving them so I can make a Rice Krispie treat in a mug and I guess my point is, I’ve never recovered from the Kavanaugh hearings.

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Nobody tagged me in the ten films challenge, whatever, it's all Jackie Brown anyway.

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If you want cookies baked, the apartment tidied or AOL passwords from seven years ago retrieved, just give me a writing assignment!

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Also I did yolks only and added half a cup of strong chai i brewed and my pie is perfect thank u bye

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Has That Muthafukka tweeted about God or Mother Nature making him disrespect Our WWI Brave Military Dead, yet??!! Prolly OD’d on Pommes Frites at the Embassy, rain makes your bone spurs act up!!

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I know there are more pressing things to us as a community, I just REALLY want to make sure the first bagel Ice-T eats is a really good one.

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I always cry thru the death reel at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

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NO BEST SHOW TONIGHT #GoVote

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Why not Posh tho?

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Keep tagging my exes. They all look like shit!

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I’m thrilled because I’m making air fryer falafel and watching the Confederacy of Dunces segment on THE GREAT AMERICAN READ and, because I am not a virgin, this needn’t be my suicide note

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A billion dollar idea is a service that delivers plastic jack-o-lantern pails full of various candy to single people without kids.

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Red Head Redemption.

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The official list of the victims killed at the synagogue shooting:
Joyce Fienberg, 75
Richard Gottfried, 65
Rose Mallinger, 97
Jerry Rabinowitz, 66
Cecil Rosenthal, 59
David Rosenthal, 54
Bernice Simon, 84
Sylvan Simon, 86
Daniel Stein, 71
Melvin Wax, 88
Irving Younger, 69

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I'm not the....only one who sings "Matcha Matcha man" like the Village People to my cat while I'm drinking green tea....am I??????????

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Our democracy is in crisis. The president degrades the rule of law, spreads corruption, and discredits truth. Over the next three weeks, we all have a chance to turn back the tide. Here are three things you can do before November 6:

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Or, one single set of footprints? I don't know. It's not a Jewish idiom. Piers sucks.

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Sometimes I laugh out loud thinking how little Sweeney Todd cares about Mrs. Mooney.

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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking dog syndrome" while he's on your lap

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Just give me the gist. Is Fan Bingbing okay?

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“I have an idea for a song called Lollipop, and it’s about lollipops, and it mostly consists of people singing the word lollipop, and it is for adults.” - a real person in the late 50s apparently

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I had a big time making all this racket and such. Glad someone is listening. Enjoy “Look Now”. Ta very much. E.C. & The Imps

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A fortified, exuberant #NationalComingOutDay to all of you brave, beautiful blessings. The best is yet to come.

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All we have now is cats, dogs and independent book stores. And musicals. Please don’t take them away.

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PLEASE HEAD TO MY INSTAGRAM STORIES TO FIND OUT IF YOUR STATE'S VOTER REGISTRATION DEADLINE IS IN FACT ***TOMORROW OCTOBER 9TH*** (I read out the states as Steve Brady from Sex and the City)

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Not now, Banksy

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Everyone who has spent this past week sad, angry, hopeless- you are not alone, you are not crazy, and it's okay to take a break from the news. To quote Rabbi Laurie Metcalf in GETTING ON: "There is no justice. But there is mercy. Because that’s what we can give to each other.”

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Today’s to-do list:

1. Call your senators to demand they oppose Kavanaugh
2. Call your senators to demand they oppose Kavanaugh
3. Ask a friend to call their senators, too
4. Call your senators to demand they oppose Kavanaugh

Seriously. Don’t stop calling: (202) 224-3121

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Furious about Kavanaugh? Don’t just sit there. We need your power. The truth is, there’s a LOT you can do. We may only have four days until the final vote, and your voice is needed now. This is a thread about what’s coming, and how you can help. Please follow along and share. 1/

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From now on there is an irrefutable answer to the people who ask why rape victims don't report their crimes:

BECAUSE THEY MAY EVENTUALLY BE MOCKED BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

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juliettebravo, Petronius, ZeepBella and KnightofSIAL like this

reposted by KnightofSIAL

I love journalists and journalism. Thank you Fourth Estate! P.S. please assist the FBI this week with the Dishonorable Kavanaugh stuff; they need a hand.

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Maybe the craziest thing about claiming “have you boofed?” refers to farting is that it implies that he was asking his friend if he had ever farted

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I'll say it since we're all thinking it: This has been the most fucked up Sukkot in a very long time, and it's barely halfway over.

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When I say I want to “burn Lindsay Graham’s house to the ground,” I am of course referring to a very popular drinking game that everyone knows about.

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Hearing about sexual violence in the media and online can be very difficult for survivors and their loved ones. Remember to take care of yourself during these times. Below is a thread of resources:

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Now is as good of a time as any to say again, I hate sports.

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You never imagined sex would come up in front of a judiciary committee??? You were the one who made sure everybody knew Clinton jerked off into the sink in the Starr report, you dirt donkey!!!!!!!!

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It's 25 O' Clock. 25th Amendment O' Clock. This is enough. Sweep him off the stage, this is humiliating.

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What is my Twitter even for at this point?

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Spending too much time on Kat Von D’s doula’s instagram page somebody send halppppp

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People are going to say “Oh Joan Collins isn’t really acting on AHS but to that I say: wrong, you idiot- she is playing the role of “Joan Collins excited about eating SOUP”

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I overheard a young man on the train on the way home today, talking to another young man. Holding hands. In college, I guessed. About that age anyway. Much younger than I am.

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A nation exhales knowing Sean Penn has weighed in on #MeToo

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I’m still pissed off that Fargo Season 2 didn’t win “Prog-giest Limited Series.” #Prog #Emmys

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So much of my work as an adult has been spent considering/working through the impact that the mishandling of Anita Hill’s testimony had on American politics, feminism and law; I’m quite honestly at a loss in the face of the possibility that we’re just going to do it all again.

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We have an opportunity to avenge Anita Hill. #StopKavanaugh

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Marin Mazzie SLAUGHTERED in Kiss Me, Kate. Rest in Power.

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The wrong people are in jail. As Attorney General, I will work to end mass incarceration, end cash bail, reform unfair discovery rules, and support legalizing marijuana. And I'll focus on prosecuting white collar crime.

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In case you think people are overreacting to Cynthia Nixon’s bagel order, we aren’t. It’s shocking. And I’m still voting for her.

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Quoting my beloved Don:

“Wishing a New Year filled with good health, happiness, laughter & success to all our Jewish friends and all our dear friends of other faiths”

L’ Shanah Tovah......Best wishes for a peaceful New Year, Barbara

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Wow Les Moonves just showed up to do an Asssscat monologue at UCB Hell's Kitchen

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When you leave an elevator and you almost bump into somebody going into the elevator you say “oops!” right?? What was that bitch’s problem? She look like me like I’m a dork

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Typing “Tevye’s Dream high school” into YouTube, see you in October

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The Kavanaugh Hearings have begun. Kavanaugh will dismantle the ACA. Kavanaugh will reverse #RoevWade.

THIS. IS. NOT. OKAY.

We need you to save America.

But it requires you - YOU! - to participate.

DO NOT STOP SCREAMING FROM THE ROOFTOPS! Call your senators NOW: 202-804-8191

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A star is bored

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Fionacatherine likes this

Yeah.

Basic SCIENCE!

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REMINDER FOR NYC: If you see something (Cotton Candy Grapes for sale in Manhattan that moment), say something (to me about them). I am down to SEVEN MEASLY CC Grapes and times is hard.

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I'm so upset about the bees and the grapes and the heat.

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It’s 101 degrees - yikes
You’re in Times Square - uh oh
All of a sudden there is a SWARM OF BEES - check, please!

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Good to know that Wind Gap correctional inmates are permitted to wear/provided with full theatrical makeup

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Last night my server described one of the specials as “beckoning” and I think I’m done with restaurants now

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