hillman321's Posts

Current Score:
14-0

The number of press conferences

Trump:Clinton

People like you make me wish I had more middle fingers!!!

People like you make me wish I had more middle fingers

If the automatic room deodorize sprits every time you come into the room...

It's time to take a shower!!!

A really "smart" phone would tell me where it is when I can't find it...

janem803, kj55 and swatchUSA like this

reposted by swatchUSA

Just because I am awake at 7am...

does not mean I am ready to actually do something!

I would try to explain this to you BUT

Google Translate

does not have DUMBASS as an option

I don't have any bad habits...

I am very good at all of them!!!

swatchUSA and rmax62 like this

If first you do not succeed.

RTFB!

I used social media principles to make friends in real life.

I told strangers everything about my life, eavesdropped on conversations, made comments and even poked a few...

So far I am being followed by a cop, 3 private eyes and have 6 restraining orders and a trip to the ER

I don't RUN
if you see me

RUNNING

you should too
something

BAD

is chasing me!

If god cares about sports, players and teams...

how does s/he choose which side to help?

Punking and practical jokes are serious forms of bullying...

The perpetrators compound the offense by ridiculing the victims for "not having a sense of humor"

Happy Imbolc!

Feb 2 is the first day of Celtic Spring

One day I stood before a mirror...

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is most handsome of them all?"

The damned thing laughed so hard it BROKE!

I need to hire whoever was praying for snow in Boston...

They have a connection I want...

swatchUSA and ZeepBella like this

My tablet is in airplane mode...

Why is it not flying???

There are no stupid questions...

Just stupid people

Whenever you start to think your boss is the stupidest person ever...

Remember...

S/he hired YOU!

Dance like no one is watching

Because they are not

They are watching their cell phones

The early bird can HAVE the worm!

I need COFFEE!

They have a "playlist"

When will they invent a "mood list"?

fayzian likes this

Too bad life does not have a "clear history" option

fayzian likes this

The last time I saw something that looked like you...

I flushed the toilet

fayzian likes this

The WTF generation...

Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook

fayzian likes this

If I had a nickel for everything someone said I was handsome...

I would still be broke.

fayzian likes this

I don't have haters...

I have fans in denial!!!

fayzian likes this

Don't like my sarcasm?

Don't be your stupid!!!

fayzian likes this

No matter how smart YOU are...

You cannot convince a stupid person they really ARE stupid

Cause happiness WHEREVER you go...

NOT

WHENever you go

You don't choose who walks into your life but...

you CAN choose the window you toss them out of

If you can't afford condoms

You can't afford kids!

Listen to your heart...

Your mind is REALLY fucked up!

Etiquette question

How long should I wait before asking a party host for the Wi-Fi password?

swatchUSA and llamabat like this

reposted by llamabat

I fear for the next generation

How will they ever find a user name?

llamabat likes this

reposted by llamabat

If people talk behind your back

Just FART!!!

I do not like "morning people"

or morning

or people...

swatchUSA and llamabat like this

reposted by llamabat

Sorry you were offended

I really thought you would never get it...

/sarcasm

When a woman says you are totally right

"She wore that before..."

Why not? It's hers and she has a washing machine!

janem803 likes this

First woman on the moon:

Houston we have a problem!

H: What is it?

Nothing

H: Are you sure?

I am fine

H: Let us know if we can help

I don't want to talk about it...

llamabat likes this

reposted by llamabat

Doctor: "Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness?"

Patient: "No, they all seem to enjoy it!

Too bad the world is not really flat

We could throw some people off the edge.

janem803 likes this

Is your life about getting screwed and being hammered?

Congratulations

You made yourself into a TOOL.

Biggest lies

"you can be anything you want"

I want to be an NBA center

How likely is that?

Unless someone had a gun to your head...

you MEANT what you said

Don't insult me by saying you didn't

Of all the lies people tell -

"Just Kidding"

is one of their most favorite...

janem803 likes this

Please let me know if you suddenly become interesting...

They say every third child is born Chinese

I have two sisters - none of us is Chinese...

You can use a fork like a spoon

IF you are REALLY fast...

Do me a favor - pretend you are the letter "g" like in

Lasagna or Bologna

If you think you are "one in a million" remember...

There are another 7000 JUST LIKE YOU

January 23 is Women's Healthy Weight day...

maybe next year...

Silence is golden

Duct Tape is silver

your choice...

New era:

Smart phones

stupid people

exercise early in the morning

before your mind figures out what you are doing!

I had two sisters and a mother

I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom!!!

Life expectancy would triple...

IF vegetables tasted like bacon!!!

shinbone:

radar for furniture in the dark

I hate housework, make the bed, wash the dishes...

six months later you have to do it all over again...

Filing cabinet:

The place you lose things systematically

Why do people fight fire with fire?

The fire department uses water... Just sayin...

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes when he had the chance?

Old saying:
million monkeys on a million keyboards will write everying Shakespeare wrote

The internet has proven that one WRONG!!!

Worst moment in life:

You are in an argument when you realize you ARE wrong...

Bargain:
a thing you do not need

at a price you cannot resist...

I prayed for a bike - never got one

I stole one then prayed for forgiveness...

Why do people say "no offense" when they KNOW they are about to insult you?

Are THEY stupid or just think I am?

Doctor gave me good news

They are going to name the disease after me!!!

janeh likes this

Best to borrow from a pessimist

He never expects to be paid back anyway...

I can eat alphabet soup and crap out better writing!!!

Women invented language to satisy their deep, deep need to

complain

Life is like a long, poorly written sitcom...

but without the remote control...

After TGIF comes...

saTURDay...

Life is like a box of crayons. You may not like some of the colors BUT...

They are necessary to complete the picture...

Why is it called a "blow job"?

That's the LAST thing I want to have happen!

What is the difference between drinking a beer and pissing in the bathroom?

thirty-five minutes on average

Muscle count:

46 to frown

4 to flip them the bird...

Conserve enery!

Is that love in the air?

no sorry, I farted...

"Lead us not into tempation..."

Just point the way and step aside...

ZeepBella likes this

As a video game life sucks...

but the graphics are outstanding...

Why is it called "after dark"?

It seems to be "after light" to me.

ZeepBella likes this

Everyone has a photographic mind

Most people forget to load the film...

Why does a CUP of coffee...

only hold 6 ounces?

If it is made of plastic...

is it still a glass of water?

When God sneezes...

What am I supposed to say???

I love my computer!

All my friends live inside it!

ZeepBella likes this

Why does anyone want to be like Barbie?

Someone has to buy her friends...

My grandmother taught me to NEVER use any four letter word that ends in "k"

That is why I refuse to work...

The best things in life are free

only because we cannot afford anything else...

My ex-wife and I lived happily for over 25 years

Then we met...

swatchUSA likes this

Many people say they cannot live without love

Personally, I vote for oxygen... and water, oh yeah, and food

I think I will buy you a Parker Brothers game

otherwise you will never have a CLUE!

Best to sit quiet and let others think you are a fool

rather than open your mouth and remove all doubt...

Silence is golden

Most people are bankrupt...

If you have a heart attack in an elevator

Be sure to push the UP button!

I never judge

I do point out all your mistakes!

We are on a sinking ship - there is one life vest

I will miss you!

If no one sees me eat, do the calories still count?

janem803, swatchUSA and ZeepBella like this

Me: "For the first time in my life things seem to be gettng better..."

Life: "Wait for it..."

Do you really save time texting "K" instead of "OK"??

Or is that you can't spell it?

If you have to ask if it is too early to have a beer...

We can't be friends!

God give me patience not strength

Give me strength and I will smack them in the face

Choose the lesser of two evils?

You still choose EVIL.

After M and T

comes

WTF!?

Balanced diet:

Donut in each hand

swatchUSA likes this