DemiAdejuyigbe's Posts

started reading a great book and decided i am going to go “Into The Wild.” okay, goodbye!

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started reading a great book and decided i am going to go “Into The Wild.” okay, goodbye!

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would give anything to “Take A Smoothie To The Movie!” right now...

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AndSheCame likes this

finally got around to reading all these tabs i've had open and holy shit– michael jackson died??

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my friend just told me when she cooks, she uses the microwave timer instead of her phone. what kind of psycho shit is that

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AndSheCame and Ziya like this

anyone have some good coping mechanisms for depression brought on by your self-worth being tied to an ability to create meaningful work and constantly feeling unable to do so, because watching movies “for inspiration” every day is not doing it for me any more (still gonna though)

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trump is doo doo

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sorry to be a class traitor but i love wearing jeans

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AndSheCame likes this

It’s May Day - international workers day.

Brave workers are these companies are on strike:
Amazon
Trader Joe’s
Instacart
Whole Foods
Target

Their demands center around workplace safety under COVID-19.

Stand with workers. Do not shop at these companies today.

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Millions couldn’t pay rent on April 1st.

Millions won’t be able to pay rent on May 1st.

It’s time to cancel it.

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AndSheCame likes this

bey ain't need to come for crosswords like that...

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just had a very vivid memory of reading the Time Warp Trio books as a kid and thinking “i am going to make the time warp trio movie”

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thankful to have this time to finally figure out what kind of alcohol i like. can’t wait to hit up the cute bartenders at my favorite bar and confidently say “one whiskey lemonade please” instead of “what‘s the juice that won’t make my tummy hurt again”

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started handwashing and air-drying my clothes. like hell i’m going down to the basement to give my landlord more money

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every few days i get a headache and worry... it’s happened. how do i tell my mother? can i protect my roommate? i scream at the heavens in denial of a just god. then about 30 min into the acceptance stage i drink one (1) glass of water and we’re looney tunes back in action, baby!

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every night on facetime i made the same exact joke to my friends. “when you think about it... whole world on sicko mode.” they do not laugh because they are jealous of me. today i said it and the earthquake hit right after. so i said “whoa... shake-o mode!” this comedy shit easy

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AndSheCame likes this

finally watched Blazing Saddles and wow, it's true... they could never make that movie today. coronavirus shutting down production and whatnot

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In trailers, I love when they cut right in the middle of someone saying "motherfucker." Hell yea I'm gonna see it! Gotta see if they say it!

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Racists will “one mistake shouldn’t ruin your life” you to death until you start talking about Black folks in prison. Then it’s a conversation about “personal responsibility”.

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Obama chuckled. "You mean the Chaos Emeralds?"

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i bet i could do a very good job of writing a new Haunted Mansion movie. this is one of those tweets where someone goes “sorry I don’t get the joke of this one” and i have to explain that there isn’t one

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AndSheCame likes this

having “national horny day” right before a new fiona apple album is like taking your reply guy to all his favorite spots before getting him neutered

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feeling nostalgic for saying “sorry lemme just squeak by you here real quick” at a bar

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god i miss being in a writer’s room. doing something dumb and alienating myself from my coworkers. making a joke and taking it personally when no one laughs. hearing that same joke said out loud five minutes later to plenty of laughs and wondering if i am secretly a ghost :(

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AndSheCame likes this

the final stage of pregnancy is also known as the "british spelling period" because that's when either U is in labor, or U is in mom

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anyone know any good songs about why they call it window pain

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now that we’re a month into this i’ve given up the pretense of putting on a shirt for video calls and all my friends are just gonna have to get used to it

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AndSheCame likes this

every day i log onto twitter and see everyone pissed and yelling vaguely about some tweet and when i finally find the tweet it’s something like “martin scorsese needs to cut his hair”

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spent a lifetime workin on my “don’t be alarmed neighborino i’m just a friendly passerby” smile for white people and now i gotta walk around with a bandana on my mouth. this is bullshit

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Fionacatherine and AndSheCame like this

boris johnson’s in the ICU?? damn... who haven’t they put in those marvel movies these days...

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Ziya likes this

(also, just because i've seen a few people refer to them all as 'raps'.... chances are most of them won't be )

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a movie doesn’t always have to be good in order for it to be good. no i will not elaborate on that

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AndSheCame likes this

amadeus won the votes here. jurassic park is currently leading on the polls in instagram. but democracy is for chumps and i‘m gonna just cut off the primaries here and declare amadeus the winner though

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someone gave me the choice of either doing a song for amadeus or jurassic park. i know what i’d pick, but you choose

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the rest of this election cycle is just gonna be people yelling that we gotta put up wet floor signs now that we can't fix the broken sink that caused the spill in the first place

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house 3 is drinking lemonade and sharing stories of childhood pain, “but in a fun way.” they haven’t noticed the record they put on finished an hour ago. house 6 keeps inventing “fun” new games that are “a crossword puzzle meets blank.” ava keeps making excuses to leave the house

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Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!

Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

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might have a date. think i’ll green screen myself into a bar. then maybe a nice stroll on google maps street view. might have a buddy join the call as a mugger and block him (heroic)

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gonna cover my body in some DUMB tattoos when this is all over. “ahh that’s the zoom icon. reminds me of the quarantine. that one’s bart simpson eating m&ms with his pants off. quarantine”

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AndSheCame likes this

(action actors are a good answer but i'm thinking more about physical acting outside of action!)

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to clarify, i meant stores that are still selling/shipping films during the quarantine! and to further clarify, i really do not want your dumb joke answers (evergreen)

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Do you work for a company with a publicly "progressive," "liberal," or even "leftist" image that's actually fucking over its workers during this pandemic? 1. fuck that, and 2. I'd love to hear from you. kimkellywrites at gmail dot com

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my favorite sex move is the Disney's John Carter, which is where i underperform at the box office

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America is doing a bottle episode because we are out of money

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also, obviously i can't see any tweets from private accounts so feel free to DM me your receipt if you don't wanna unlock your account!

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also, you don’t have to be following me to enter! in fact, wholly unrelated to this, i respect you more if you don’t. the taste!

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ok yeah Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine but that play is ass. the fuck is "doth." turn on autocorrect, damn

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startin to get pissed at these birds flyin outside my window... taunting me with their freedom... you think i won’t throw hands with a damn bird?? square the fuck up zazu

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support striking workers at amazon and instacart and DONT CROSS THE PICKET LINE!! they’re putting their lives at risk to deliver essentials and are asking for safety gear & paid sick time. amazon is the biggest company in the world & pays zero taxes—it can afford paid sick days!

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AndSheCame likes this

not a lot happening on instagram. think i’m gonna close it. ahh, but now i’m bored. shit... wonder what’s happenin over on instagram

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AndSheCame likes this

The fact that scientists were right to warn for decades about a pandemic makes me wonder if they might be right about global warming too

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erikvisser, UserOne, MyM and Ziya like this

reposted by Ziya

(also as someone pointed out if you just tweeted your username at me definitely delete that tweet because u might get hacked )

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was wondering what’d make me cry first thru this and turns out it’s hearing to “this must be the place” and remembering how we’d turn it on in college and my friends and i would all drunkenly/lovingly dance together!!! exclamation marks mean the tweet is cool fun and not sad!!

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For the average American the best way to tell if you have covid-19 is to cough in a rich person’s face and wait for their test results

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swatchUSA likes this

There’s no way we can sustain an economic lockdown past 30 days. That’s when people start to miss rent. All the people now renting out of the 2007-2008 crisis.

So then you have two options. The first is that the government declares you can’t evict people.

In that scenario...

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If you’re self-isolating, tweet: “ABOLISH ICE.”

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people telling me “you know how that book ends, right?” as if i’m at the “read a book” or “learn things” phase of this quarantine Limitless journey. MAYBE i’ll google it in three months (for the record, i DO know how Limitless ends with a quickly-cancelled television series)

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My therapist: your OCD is irrational

The government: you must wash your hands 19 times a day or your dad will die

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genuinely cool to me every time someone instagrams a photo with friends and has to clarify it was from before the quarantine so people don't yell at them the power of social shame is gonna save us all

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very nice going for a quarantine walk in LA right now, cause everyone knows we gotta avoid each other but we feel weird and rude purposefully avoiding each other so we all smile and say hi as we move outta the way

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Mass layoffs across numerous industries means a huge number of people are losing their health insurance right in the middle of a public health crisis. If this doesn't make people in charge realize that tying health insurance to employment is abhorrent, nothing will.

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let this be an inspiration to u during the corona times: you don't have to be good at singing to make music!! computers can do all sorts of things now! stay safe

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two days into social distancing and we infect each other like we're cheating on each other WITH each other. hand-washing-plus and her covid/corona/taint-area still pOwns my immune system

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Give homeless people money

And before you ask “how do I know they’ll spend it on food” let me tell you

I don’t care if they spend that money on meth made from tiger eyeballs and elephant tusks

I worked in a homeless shelter AND I’ve been homeless. It’s going to be BAD

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Day 2 of no basketball : just found out my girl fav color green. Who tf like green

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locupleto likes this

Things Covid has proven:

1. The job you were told couldn't be done remotely can be done remotely

2. Many disabled workers could have been working from home, but corporations just didnt want them to.

3. Internet is a utility, not a luxury

4. Universal healthcare is necessary

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perellano, atheist, Drakonan, Campo, locupleto, karlokoenig, BoldDelight, roosterbear, Fionacatherine, arxvis and 2 others like this

reposted by Ziya and Campo

This is a very shitty time economically for many people. Tip people a lot more than you would normally. Donate to people. Try to remember people are dealing with lots of lost income.

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okay for very obvious reasons (spite, me missing my bed, it too cold) I’m not gonna be doing any of the shows I had scheduled in Portland. I’ll be back later in the year though! it absolutely will not be worth the wait but it will happen!! stay safe!!!!

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If everyone doesn’t have healthcare, no one has healthcare. #COVID19

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all yall “spit in my mouth” girls suspiciously silent lately... aint no freaks in foxholes

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As you know, this an extremely rare step for Live Wire (the first cancellation in 15 years!) and wasn’t taken lightly. We will be issuing refunds to all ticket holders and they can expect to see refunds on their credit cards in the next 10-14 business days.

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I'm lucky enough to be able to wash my hands pretty much whenever I want. It's wild what you take for granted until you realize such a simple action goes a long way in keeping you healthy. And yet LA has prevented this basic safety measure from tens of thousands of residents.

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If you thought Coronavirus was bad, wait 'til you get a load of– The Llorona-virus! The Curse of La Llorona, available now on Blu-Ray, DVD, & Digital!
-- --
Warner Bros. Pictures would like to formally apologize for a tweet we published earlier regarding the devastating Coronav

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all the people who hate bernie should vote for him in the primary just so you can rub it in our faces if he loses in november. c’mon just imagine how embarrassed we’d be. use your vote to embarrass us doesn’t that sound so fun

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very excited to kick this football the democrats seem to be holding for us downfield

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hotel industry bout to come up big thru coronavirus... all these scared tourists quarantining themselves in hotel rooms like "shit i guess i'm paying $44 for some M&Ms, i'm not going outside"

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whoops the midnight gravy show is at 11, not 8:30!!!

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thunder only happens when it’s raining / this pic could be us except you playin

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hi LA / echo park — we just saw an employee at king’s liquor in echo park taser a homeless man for sitting outside his store while we were inside. when we came to the man’s defense and told him to stop, he kicked us out of the store. do not go here!

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just wash ur hands and dont be racist

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You can still support a woman in this election. You can support a woman who is drowning in student loan debt. You can support a woman who can't afford childcare. You can support a woman whose life depends on access to insulin. You can't do any of this by voting for Joe Biden.

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Pre-production hype: "I love CGI, but we’re not using CGI in this one," the director said to a huge round of applause.

All press for an entire year: 100% puppets!

Show debuts.

Viewers: See? Puppets are better!

Quiet VFX article: They created some CG characters.

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Facebook is for relatives we don’t like, Twitter is for strangers we do; don’t talk politics at Christmas but tweet about your racist uncle in the knowledge he has no idea about this platform. In the short term we’re more comfortable but racist uncles are winning elections.

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hi I co-host 3 stand up shows in NYC, write for a tv show, do two podcasts, appeared in a thing that won several emmys, and have another acting thing I can't speak on yet. so I did not have time to promote my shows in Asheville this weekend please just come

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ok i'm gonna hop off for now but if you have the means to do so, please donate whatever you can to any local org that will fight for the homeless/low-income people of your town. they're going to be the most vulnerable ones in the coming months of this public health crisis

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Nithya is in the runoff by, and I truly cannot stress this enough, one vote

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(someone has rightfully pointed out that 'pulling my hair out' is a bit ableist as it's a real disorder– i didn't know that! apologies! also i have literally been pulling my hair out but that's just because i got weak ass roots and should probably condition my hair more)

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The general election will play out one of two ways: discussing Medicare-For-All or Anita Hill

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a cute old man in my building was just helping a cute old woman figure out her ballot in the lobby and yes i am only saying it’s cute because i heard him saying good things about bernie! (heard him say he voted no on measure R but u take the small victories)

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bernie sanders thinks women don’t belong in balloons

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pretty pissed the coronavirus has made everyone too scared to kiss me, and even more pissed we still haven’t found a cure after nine years!!!

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never mind the number just went out of service

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don’t touch my face???? well how the hell do YOU suggest i show my shock at being left home alone while my family goes on a christmas vacation????????????

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hi hello i'm gonna be in chicago from 3/4 - 3/9 and Portland from 3/10-3/15– please let me do your show! unless you do a show where i get brought out on stage and shot with a gun. no thank you to that. up for others though

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alternately, if anyone wants to come paint ceramics with me i’m always free- NO!!! no. no. i wish to be free of this pain. it’s really fun though- NO

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the thing about this type of take that always gets me is how people fully believe the sole thing stopping straight white men from producing emotionally resonant works about the lives of women/queer people/people of color is simply the perfect google search

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the risk of some “we must save the party from Bernie” brokered convention move is not just losing this election (although they will lose this election) it’s having an entire generation walk away and not vote again

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why all the hot girls from the same country? like where even is ?

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thinkin bout openin an ice cream store on hillhurst

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“[Tickets] aren't readily available. The Charleston County Democratic Party website says "The only guaranteed way to get a ticket is to become a sponsor of the debate."
Sponsorship ranges from $1,750 to $3,200 each for attendance to multiple “First in the South” events.”

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imagine how nice this website would be if everyone was allowed to tweet exactly 3 times a day. you can’t buy more tweets and they don’t roll over. 3 tweets and that’s it. mmmm. just the thought feels like a hug for my brain

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i’m a freak in the writer’s room and a freak when inside her womb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my friend celia begged me not to tweet this. said it would absolutely ruin my chances of getting a job or ever having sex again. i‘ve decided it’s worth it

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i also was asked to do punch up on HOW HIGH 2, and ended up pitching an extremely cartoonish version of the movie that opened with silas & jamal being assassinated and brought them back as ghosts whenever the lead characters smoked a 'ghost blunt.' my ideas were not used

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bloomie, ya gotta get used to filling silences when people don’t wanna applaud your wack ass. bring a notebook on the debate stage so you can leaf thru it goin “what else, what else”

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Democrats,

It’s a PRIMARY, Bloomberg doesn’t have to be the nominee, quit defending his racist ass. If you’re voting for Bloomberg in a primary you’re a huge dipshit. Hope this helps.

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114. i'm so mad at myself for reading Simon Rich's HITS & MISSES in like, three hours. truly wish i had more of it to soak in, and let myself feel even more comforted by his ultra-funny, ultra-relatable parables of the frustrations behind creative work

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AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

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that’s an awfully hot coffee pot

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specific things that we have seen them do in multiple movies. there’s nothing more to this tweet than “huh, i guess they have both done that more than once.”

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“Dong. Ding dong.”

-Jame Bond’s doorbell

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you don’t know how hard it’s been working on this caucus app, okay? our security system is bolstered by a very complex set of riddles. real crypto shit like “what is your password” and “how many people picked this candidate”

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fuck the nut. i hate the nut. if i see then nut in person i will stomp him out. this “baby” (fake infant, just a small man) murdered my best friend. it’s on sight with that small bitch

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[agrees to do things early in the morning as a way to force myself out of bed] surely this will take care of that pesky depression [it doesn’t] oh what the

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very happy the good place and bojack series finales happened in the same 24 hrs so i could roll my existential, self-evaluative, and dearth of good tv crises all into one

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invite me to your fancy dinner parties so i may swirl a wine glass full of blue gatorade in the corner and confidently discuss the significance of trump demanding a quickbooks pro

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Hello. The series finale of "The Good Place" airs tonight on NBC, at 8:30 EST/7:30 CST.

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hands down the worst joke of all time is when you ask a store employee “can i do x” and the person, who you have never met before, says “no... just kidding!” i do not want an anxiety attack i want to buy a sandwich

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every other day i log onto twitter and learn about a new child millionaire of the web who started trending because they either listened to kpop or called a three-legged puppy the n-word and there is never any middle ground

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today is the 8th anniversary of the time mark wahlberg said he could’ve stopped 9/11

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Succession season 2 as 2020 Best Picture Oscar nominees. #OscarNoms

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folks who say they won’t vote for bernie because he can’t win remind me of college friends who wouldn’t go to a party until other people got there. we are the fucking party, dude

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should i beat up chet hanks

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WGA Nominees are in!

Original:
1917
BOOKSMART (!!!)
KNIVES OUT
MARRIAGE STORY
PARASITE

Adapted:
A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
THE IRISHMAN
JOJO RABBIT
JOKER
LITTLE WOMEN

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giving credit to rickee jurvase for “taking down hollywood” is like saying a boardwalk caricature artist “absolutely DESTROYED” someone who framed and hung the picture in their living room, and the artist is their brother who does this every year for their birthday. embarrassing

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saoirse’s trying so hard to win me back and frankly it’s embarrassing

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1917 HIVE RISE UP!!!!!!!!!

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chet haze sighting! finish your drinks!

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SAOIRSE RONAN: you are the most brilliant creator of our time and i would do anything to be in your next movie
DIRECTOR: oh wow! well let me tell you about it, it's set in the present day and–
SAOIRSE: pass

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A father and son were in a car accident where the father was killed. The ambulance brought the son to the hospital. A doctor came in and looked at the little boy and said I can't operate on him he is my son.

Who is the doctor?

Frankenstein was the doctor.

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*sees Tarantino get misquoted* You Bitch Mother Fucker *sees war supported on flimsy pretenses* Wlel, that's his beliefs and I respect that

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There will be no World War 3, only thousands people dead in the Middle East and in few years there will be tons of movies about how that made soldiers accused of war crimes feel.

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turning a big dial taht says "Racism" on it and constantly looking back at the audience for approval like a contestant on the price is right

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your star wars name is the first name of your favorite jazz musician + you banging your head on a wall twenty times with extreme force + the last name of your favorite jazz musician

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not sure if obama got the same thing outta parasite that i did. we saw it together and he spent the whole movie laughing and going “i love the crazy languages they make up for these star wars movies”

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i bet mayor pete supporters are very happy about the recent spikes in the polls and also on the sidewalk outside some buildings

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for the record, my own picks are A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, JOJO RABBIT, LITTLE WOMEN, READY OR NOT, and ABOMINABLE. all perfectly pleasant films! some of which i’ve already seen multiple times, others that i’m probably going to watch again!

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Well gang, we’ve finally passed the last Friday of 2019, which means it’s time to finally decide: what is the most okay movie of the year? It doesn’t suck! It didn’t blow your mind! It’s just fine– and that’s okay! What’s the most 5 out of 10 film of the year?

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Dudes Play NINTENDO SWITCH But Never INTEND TO SWITCH Their Bed Sheets

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My mom on Chris Evans: “He looks like one of the... oh, who’s this family that loves to act... the Baldwins. Are you sure he’s not a Baldwin?”

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i’m pretty confident i could finally learn Yoruba just by listening to my parents describe what’s currently happening to each other in Yoruba as they watch any movie

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anyways, i doubled-featured this with Star Wars and damn i wish the audience had been rowdy and down to clown through that snoozer

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THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO IS REALLY GOOD AND ON AMAZON PRIME.

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i think i finally get why this website bums me out more now: everything requires context. you used to be able to curate a feed of unrelated thoughts/jokes/ideas/pieces but now it feels like most tweets are a response or take on some invisible topic "everyone" is talking about

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Before we create a Space Force we should make sure everyone has health care.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

ME, ONE WEEK AGO: i need to add more film critics to my twitter lists, i feel like i’m missing out on all the good movie discourse. nothing better than talkin about films
ME, TODAY: wonder if it’s too late to become a guy that just likes sneakers

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Award seasons be like “and your nominees are...

White person
White person
White person
Black person playing a slave
White person

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i will fly to new york if you let me cover stop making sense with you boys

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#twitter, #electrolemon

how is HONEY BOY not a richard dawkins biopic

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Marriage Story, or: I Heard You Ain’t Spouses

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#twitter, #electrolemon

also i've noticed that a lot of people who hypermile or who dabble in hypermiling are reluctant to ID as hypermilers (interesting) so if you are hypermile-adjacent please sing out too

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i’m not “tellin my kids” a damn thing. they got their brain chips, im gonna upload wikipedia to their heads and bounce. don’t have time to raise no damn kids... i got future shit to do

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#twitter, #electrolemon

if you reply to something i retweeted and insist on including me in the reply please do not fucking embarass me

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#twitter, #electrolemon

a new baby yoda meme is guaranteed to happen every week so you gotta watch the mandalorian eps immediately if you don’t want them spoiled. brilliant move by disney. extremely stupid move by this very stupid website that i can never leave

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#twitter, #electrolemon

holiday tip: diffuse any family tensions by throwin on some lo-fi hip hop beats. your auntie can’t yell at your cousins if she’s studying for an organic chem final

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#twitter, #electrolemon

you could workshop your comedy for entire decades and you would still never craft anything that tickles a flight attendant more than seeing you carry food and going “oh, did you bring that for us”

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#twitter, #electrolemon

The Taco Bell chihuahua was famous for like two entire years but we’ve already moved on from Cybertruck. The human body was not built for this. We’re headed for a wall I don’t think we’re ready for.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

im not really doing comedy anymore. i’m just gonna make a life out of making people go “ohh yeah. like the thing, right”

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i just took a DNA test turns out i’m 100% that bitch who just stole a DNA test yeah i got

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#twitter, #electrolemon

with all the scorsese talk about cinema and superhero movies and whatever, we're drawing a lot of attention away from the real scorsese topic we need to be discussing: the absolutely wild cameo that happens at the end of THE IRISHMAN

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#twitter, #electrolemon

cruelest thing you could ever do is introduce me to a friend of yours. so now i gotta remember and recognize ANOTHER person’s face? smile and say hi whenever i see them? while i’m out buying pasta sauces and soups and shit?? fuck off

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#twitter, #electrolemon

The MCU is like if they started making new Simpsons episodes, but they couldn't legally use Bart, so the first movie was about Lenny and then it became the most successful franchise on Earth, and now kids mostly know Bart as Lenny's sidekick.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

just kidding. my actual halloween costume is Christian in Midsommar, right before all the bear stuff. been wearing it all day

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#twitter, #electrolemon

love to think about Moonee saying “this is the life, man” near the end of THE FLORIDA PROJECT and have myself a nice afternoon smile-cry

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i luv halloween

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#twitter, #electrolemon

swatchUSA likes this

Jane Fonda bringing out a different celebrity to get arrested with every week really puts the 1989 tour to shame.

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goddamn it that was supposed to say "mahatma gondry." this correction isn't worth $2

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Magnificent! Truly magnificent!

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hello if i liked pleasant, world-exploratory, life-affirming documentaries like KEDI and SAMSARA, what other films (or shows) would i enjoy (seen BARAKA and all the Godfrey Reggio Qastsi films already)

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#twitter, #electrolemon

If you worked every single day, making $5000/day, from the time Columbus sailed to America, to the time you are reading this tweet, you would still not be a billionaire, and you would still have less money than Jeff Bezos makes in a week. No one works for a billion dollars.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: here i’ll take that food from you
ME: oh, it’s not trash
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: i know- it looks good! i’ll take it!
[CABIN LAUGHS]
ME: do not be surprised to see me in clown makeup, even after Halloween. the Joker is who I am... you’re the ones wearing costumes

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#twitter, #electrolemon

if you've already read my 'year of banksy' piece, please do yourself a favor and read an even better piece of comedy, the Medium responses to it

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#twitter, #electrolemon

tonight’s Succession is HBO’s Scott’s Tots

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for my next piece, i'd love to speak to anyone who has a name you know other people think of as "trashy", "tacky", working/lower class, etc, especially if you've suffered prejudice or discrimination as a result. DMs open

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#twitter, #electrolemon

ME: stop getting mad about remakes. you don't have to watch them. grow up. move on
NEWS: ryan reynolds and the deadpool guys are remaking Clue
ME: [staring out a window] i saw a remake once as a kid. but now, they're everywhere. the world went and got itself in a big damn hurry

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#twitter, #electrolemon

“I see #MeToo as a movement to give a voice to women who have had their voices silenced for so long. What happened to me was bad too, but I’d feel very uneasy trying to glom onto their coattails.”

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#twitter, #electrolemon

why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i am endlessly annoyed that this tweet has turned into people trying to analyze what comedy "is" at me. comedy doesn't "have to" do anything comedy can be a cat wearing a big pair of shoes stop trying to over-intellectualize humor i absolutely do not give a shit

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#twitter, #electrolemon

comedy is not supposed to be about 'taking risks.' comedy is a small yellow boy with spiky hair being choked by his dad who has two hairs

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#twitter, #electrolemon

really not fair we all gotta remember and respect a special day every single year just 'cause mark wahlberg rescheduled a flight 18 years ago

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#twitter, #electrolemon

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

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#twitter, #electrolemon

IT: CHAPTER TWO is making tons, JOKER won the Golden Lion, and i boarded a plane and immediately spilled coffee on the book i brought for the flight. farewell to hot girl summer- clown boy autumn is here

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#twitter, #electrolemon

This #LaborDay, thank unions for:

-weekends
-8-hour workdays
-a minimum wage
-paid overtime
-breaks during work
-the right to strike
-child labor laws
-workplace safety standards

The labor movement taught us that when people stand together, they don’t have to beg. They can win.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

you gotta hand it to todd phillips for charitably staging his entire career around providing college freshmen with new movie posters to hang on their walls

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#twitter, #electrolemon

whichever one of you started a fire in los angeles to coincide with the day i got back to town- jokes on you bitch. i actually love fire and was thinkin about trying out being dead anyway

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#twitter, #electrolemon

by request of that same not a single soul, here are my 10 fav non-2019 movies i've seen for the first time this year!

1. MINDING THE GAP
2. THE WAILING
3. THE HANDMAIDEN
4. THE WITCH
5. BAD GENIUS
6. ENEMY
7. SAMSARA
8. PRINCESS CYD
9. TANGERINE
10. WATER LILLIES

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#twitter, #electrolemon

James Cameron waking into a studio and writing a dollar sign to spell ALIEN$ except it’s me marching into Disney and writing “BLACK” before “FANTASIA”

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well gang, this is what happens when you forget to delete a test tweet and then go watch Hobbs and Shaw. as always, the moral here, is don’t watch Hobbs and Shaw

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#twitter, #electrolemon

there was a time in middle school where EVERY time a friend would come over, my mom would be doing something in the living room and Josie and the Pussycats happened to be on TV in the background, by coincidence. to this day she insists she's never seen it

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#twitter, #electrolemon

wagwan mi baby wagwan mi honey wagwan mi ragtime gyal

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#twitter, #electrolemon

is there a chance at all that somebody who follows me is also involved with the currently-running New Zealand International Film Festival, he asked, expecting only dumb joke answers

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#twitter, #electrolemon

if the taylor swift musical cgi cat movie is somehow better reviewed than the beyonce musical cgi cat movie then this will truly be the 10th anniversary of the 2009 VMAs

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#twitter, #electrolemon

extremely into all of the cats jokes. twitter is fun again today. gonna really miss this when we all go back to retweeting some racist college kid tomorrow

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#twitter, #electrolemon

no shade to idris, of course. heavy is the head that wears the weight of being the only black actor we all know (i use his first name only because we are very good friends. just happens when you got so much in common. some say i’m the idris elba of my ah whoops character limit)

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#twitter, #electrolemon

okay but hear me out: what if a nice young boy was dying of cancer, and his last wish in the whole wide world is to see the highest-paid actress in the world play a trans man

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which of these people is crazier

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#twitter, #electrolemon

and it's not just for students! there's 12 great convos in there with businesspeople & engineers & musicians & doctors & writers & wunderkinds who approach their careers from different angles, both with and without college. you can go your own way! just like fleetwood mac said!!!

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#twitter, #electrolemon

idea: a body switching movie where a white creative who thinks diversity is ruining their chance at getting a job switches bodies with a black person and realizes people only want them to make projects about how hard it is to be black

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#twitter, #electrolemon

100. Bong Joon-ho’s PARASITE is a masterpiece! I struggle to say anything about it because I went in with zero information and wanna give everyone else the same courtesy but... Bong absolutely rocked my shit. A brilliant, funny, sobering, surprising, anti-capitalist tragicomedy.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

every person i am currently living with got to see MIDSOMMAR tonight and i spent the afternoon in the parking lot of a Walgreens because my car died shortly after the pharmacist refused to fulfill my prescription

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#twitter, #electrolemon

It’s so crazy how boys know how to put a show ur watching on ur laptop on the TV

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#twitter, #electrolemon

where’s that tweet about how boyfriends are only good for putting the video you’re watching on the tv

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#twitter, #electrolemon

FRANCIS GALTON: just invented a new science idea. it's about fixing the world by eliminating people who are genetic failures. the real ugly pieces of shit. the worthless idiot shitheads who make me throw up when i see them. i call it "eugenics"
HIS BROTHER EUGENE: this sucks man

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i am leaving the country days before MIDSOMMAR comes out and i won't get to see it until august anybody know what disease i gotta get to make-a-wish my way into seeing it early

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#twitter, #electrolemon

in London, they have their own version of "Cheers," called "Thanks." Haven't called my dad for Father's Day yet, but I've tweeted this.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

a woman just watched me type over my phone and went “wow, small font.” feeling pity for my haters, riddled with absolute jealousy at my fresh, supple young eyes

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i am surely going to regret asking a question on twitter and delete this in an hour, but................ what's a good, currently running musical or play or exhibit to see in london

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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety

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#twitter, #electrolemon

are you a man who uses a specific instagram account just for lurking? is this to stop your significant other seeing activity that could make them jealous, or for some other reason? please DM me! it's for my next piece

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#twitter, #electrolemon

janem803 likes this

woke up to bad news, but turned it into good news by letting it inspire a great new band name!! not gonna let this day beat me down!! please check out “the inexplicable bedroom bees” on spotify

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Guns are so fucking lame. They’re never gonna outlaw them, whatever, but if you’re jazzed about guns you’re a fucking knob and I strenuously don’t fuck with you

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#twitter, #electrolemon

yes i am aware of the credits rap in ALADDIN (someone told me about it last year) and thank you all for notifying me but also, let’s not act like i’m nostradamus for predicting an A-list actor who is famously a popular rapper will also do a rap in an A-list blockbuster musical

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i always know when something big is happenin on tv because that’s the night someone i admire asks me to do their comedy show after it’s clear everyone else is busy

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#twitter, #electrolemon

outta your damn mind if you think i’m posting a picture of my mom today. so y’all know who to track down and murder when you build a machine to go back in time and make sure i never existed? fool me once

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#twitter, #electrolemon

very cool that this website has mostly devolved into people giving attention to things we shouldn't give attention to and also very cool that this has been implemented as a regular feature of this website’s valuable trending moments space

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Global Uber/Lyft Strike Today. Uber drivers don’t have even the most basic workers’ rights. Billions go the bosses while the drivers get poverty pay. DO NOT take an Uber or a Lyft today. Walk, take a bus, carpool w/ a friend, scuba in a canal. #UberLyftStrike #UberStrike

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#twitter, #electrolemon

99. Let me be the millionth person to say Tim Robinson's I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE is the funniest fucking thing in the world. I've been whispering "you have no good car ideas!" to myself and giggling for the last 24 hours

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#twitter, #electrolemon

AVENGERS: ENDGAME is a jazz song; way too long, built for each person to get a solo to break up the repetitive chunks, it's composed of pieces similar to previous jazz songs you’ve heard, and all the feeling is entirely in the buildup and the music. thing is– i like jazz!

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#twitter, #electrolemon

“brienne mcknight.” that’s the whole tweet!

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i think my least favorite effect of racism is that it’s ruined my ability to love monkeys as much as i want to okay now white people imma need you to think real hard before hittin the reply button on this one

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#twitter, #electrolemon

many of you have already made the same joke of calling dibs on this very tweet, which is why i am claiming this joke redistribution as a charitable contribution to be counted on my 2019 taxes

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#twitter, #electrolemon

a lot of you are (very kindly) alerting me to someone “stealing” a joke from me, and even though i think it’s just a coincidence- don’t care either way! i hereby grant everyone permission to call dibs on adopting one (1) of my tweets as their own. redistribute the wealth. go nuts

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#twitter, #electrolemon

twitter's gonna give me a freakin heart attack. i saw "ipad" was trending and got worried ipad died

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#twitter, #electrolemon

the new lion king looks good and i am going to watch it. i have no complaints. movies are nice. sharing this kind of thought and refusing to acknowledge any conversation about it is literally the only thing i care to use this website for anymore

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#twitter, #electrolemon

not sure why POPSTAR is trending but it's just another chance for me to say POPSTAR is one of the best comedies of the decade. every single line is funny. and just like every movie the lonely island's produced, it was dramatically under-appreciated at the box office

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#twitter, #electrolemon

The Character Assassination Of Robert Ford By The Meanie Ron Hansen

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nobody:
some tree in the forest: help

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#twitter, #electrolemon

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#twitter, #electrolemon

(still staying logged off because this website is miserable and bad for me. bye!)

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#twitter, #electrolemon

For the Oscars, I bet it'd be fun if they got Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltrow to present an award and sing "We're far from the Shallow Hal." Alright, just changed my password to something I don't know and I'm logging off indefinitely! Bye everyone!

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i respect how we as a society have agreed to completely ignore jesse plemons's part time gig as the lead singer of sum 41

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#twitter, #electrolemon

it ain’t a real office christmas party til somebody does the worm

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#twitter, #electrolemon

janem803 likes this

“You know, people didn’t really believe in ‘that Facebook movie’ either.” - me when i’m pushin on a door and someone tells me i’m supposed to be pullin it

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#twitter, #electrolemon

the world is CLAMORING (two people tweeted) for me, beloved scamp of the web, to HOST the oscars?? no thanks. i just want to write for them. this is a real and attainable goal. i will fight tooth and nail for the chance to make nicole kidman say "doo doo" on live television.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

this was a joke based on the fact that this is obvious, but seeing how many people just tweeted at me as if it is not, i now know that this joke, like many of mine, does not work

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Ziya likes this

damn… real embarrassing to turn on the news just now and suddenly realize i forgot to feed my George HW Bush

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#twitter, #electrolemon

the 'baby it's cold outside' discourse is dumb, boring, and extremely exhausting, but i feel like we never talk about how it's... not even a christmas song. or even explicity winter. this tweet will self-destruct as soon as one of you motherfuckers tries to 'actually' me

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#twitter, #electrolemon

remind me, who was the guy that directed Glenocean’s Glen Eight again

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#twitter, #electrolemon

every one of you who thinks i would bust out an austin powers impression in bed is a HACK!! you should be ashamed of yourselves!! your partners deserve at the VERY least an "Jean Stapleton doing the All In The Family theme song" if they're gettin dicked down MOM DO NOT READ THIS

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#twitter, #electrolemon

the richer you get, the more sex becomes a quest to kill yourself in weirder and weirder ways. my coworker demanded that i tweet this

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#twitter, #electrolemon

forgot i could say what movie this was about now- it’s fuckin’ MARY POPPINS RETURNS. far from being the ‘best’ movie of the year, but honest to god no other movie this year has made me feel the way this movie made me feel

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i don’t care who hosts the oscars in 2019, i just care that they let me write a big opening musical number for them. thats right baby, i’m makin this about me now

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#twitter, #electrolemon

janem803 likes this

the birds of prey title is great. i will not be reading the replies to this tweet. god bless

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#twitter, #electrolemon

"The Parent Trap" but for getting Outkast back together.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

K I like to play humble, but I'm really not, so I'll say this: I'm tired of this narrative that POC comedians aren't submitting late night packets. We are and we are as good as, if not better than, our white counterparts. Issa thread.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

"Anime is real," Barack Obama said in his inauguration speech earlier. "Pokémon are real. Geodude is real, and strong, and he's my friend."

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i am so goddamn mad that in 6 months time i am going to walk into a theatre and say the phrase "one for detective pikachu please"

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#twitter, #electrolemon

97/98. BALLAD OF BUSTER SCRUGGS is a colorful, gorgeous, bleak, nihilistic western and PEAK Coen Brothers. ROMA is a heartfelt, personal, naturalistic masterpiece and while I love that Netflix will make 'em easier to see, it blows that most people won't see ROMA in a theater

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#twitter, #electrolemon

today's a great day to tweet "change your bio, idiot" at all the republican incumbents who lost their seats

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Local elections are extra important. LA, vote yes on Prop 10 so we can get some control over our price gouging rent and yes on Prop B so we can have a public bank that will put the money back into the city.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

#EatPussyAndVote

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i know this is a shitty tease bc i can't talk about it yet but i think i saw my favorite movie of the year today and i KNOW everyone is gonna think i'm fucking insane for picking it

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#twitter, #electrolemon

No way you can read social media networks deleting the threatening posts of terrorists after the fact as anything but self-preservation and obfuscation

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#twitter, #electrolemon

remember that whackjob whose great plan to keep women away from star wars, was to cut them out of it, thereby converting it into a 46 minute slideshow of oscar isaac and john boyega

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(unfortunately the middling part was thom yorke’s soundtrack which is great on its own but mostly not a great fit for the movie and kind of disappointed me I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT)

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Transgender people... are people. Not a political stance, not an ideology, not an agenda... human beings, across a spectrum of beliefs and experiences.

There’s no such thing as “I don’t agree with transgender.” We are a group of people that exist; our existence isn’t a question.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

hmmm just realized “joe budden” is an actual person and not an impression of sam elliot talking about his favorite vice president

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Demi Adejuyigbe Who Can Recall His Parents’ Video Library

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#twitter, #electrolemon

can’t believe i gotta clarify this but: “avoids eye contact” is the only part that applies to the dog here. never in my life have i grabbed a dog by the collar and screamed “central park five” in its face. christ

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i cant tell if im reading something VERY WRONG here or if you literally made this post exactly 2 years before releasing a punch up the jam for kokomo but either way this is too powerful

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#twitter, #electrolemon

hey apropos of absolutely nothin, i just wanna remind you all that i am absolutely, wildly, unbelievably fuckin stupid and dumb as a got damn rock. don’t ever think otherwise. have a good day

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#twitter, #electrolemon

please stop tweeting countdowns at me

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#twitter, #electrolemon

okay, now and forever, also stop doing the thing where you do the exact thing someone just complained about, but as a joke. it has never ever worked in the history of this website. you don't have to respond to tweets

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#twitter, #electrolemon

oh uh if anybody hiring for space jam 2 is on my twitter, i got hacked for the duration of this tweet. i'm back now though. gonna leave the tweet up too, just to shame the hacker

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#twitter, #electrolemon

(to clarify, i voiced the crocodile and i’m FURIOUS she had to ask)

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Amy Sherman-Palladino, making Emmy history tonight as the first woman to win both the best comedy writing and best comedy directing awards.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

your Real Piece Of Shit name is your favorite type of baguette and a random assortment of letters from hitting your head on the keyboard. mine is demi adejuyigbe

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#twitter, #electrolemon

it is irresponsible of anybody on this website with a platform to refuse to use that platform to dismantle the systems that allow people to confidently order sandwiches from a fast food pizza chain

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#twitter, #electrolemon

gonna get ahead of the rumors– i've actually got a signed letter from 65 women who have never seen me eat beans at a theater screening of any children's film

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#twitter, #electrolemon

it's absolutely fucked up how sexy the mean mr. grinch song is

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#twitter, #electrolemon

my favorite thing about being an Extremely Chill And Laid Back Kinda Guy? the ten follow-up texts i gotta send after being anxious that my first text will get misinterpreted

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#twitter, #electrolemon

janem803 likes this

gotta give ups to Borat for its secret contributions to society, like forcing straight guys to use "my partner" in conversation with other straight guys when we wanna be taken seriously

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#twitter, #electrolemon

proud to announce ABC has picked up my hour-long series "Li'l Hitch," in which the eponymous Hitch (from the film Hitch) trains a new generation to take over as "Hitch pro tempore" in the event of his likely assassination (at the hands of an underground anti-Hitch cabal)

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#twitter, #electrolemon

For the record: while the change in the ceremony date is for 2020, there is no indication of when they intend to implement the popular film Oscar. It’s possible it could be for 2019 ceremony.

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#twitter, #electrolemon

also, capping the ceremony at 3hr sucks because the end result will be already-undersung technical winners being cut from the broadcast entirely so they have more time for seth macfarlane to sing about seeing boobs

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#twitter, #electrolemon

how come all those dumbass electric street scooter companies are named after slang terms for British people

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#twitter, #electrolemon

i like Beach House because it’s trap drums mixed with the background music of an ‘80s after school special set at the aquarium

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#twitter, #electrolemon

the clientele of any drive-through car wash is exclusively assistants to rich people and confident men who have a 2nd date in three hours

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#twitter, #electrolemon

my opponent, denver riggleman, wants to put bigfoot and his big dick [dramatic zoom on a photo of bigfoot with a huge dick] into the house of representatives. [dramatic thud, colors on the bigfoot photo get inverted] is this really what our country needs?

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#twitter, #electrolemon

suffice to say, folks- it’s good movie season. pack up all those paintings and decorative busts you’ve been lookin at this year, Movies have arrived

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#twitter, #electrolemon

it is embarrassing as fuck that russia's disinformation campaign against america is bolstered by someone who uses the name "guccifer." as in a portmanteau of "gucci" and "lucifer." this is like if jfk was assassinated by someone named "xX_bong_jamez_bong_Xx"

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#twitter, #electrolemon

Glenocean’s Gleneight

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#twitter, #electrolemon

y’all ain’t slick with this “how about we let actors freaking act!” shit re: scarlett johannson. the same folks who get huffy when they DEIGN to make female spinoffs in male-led franchises are suddenly down for a woman playing a trans man? just admit you hate trans people and go

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#twitter, #electrolemon

"NICE FOR WHAT": you go baby girl. take those selfies. floss on everybody. live it up. we are going to die
"EMOTIONLESS": these women... are using photography to trick us. unmarked tbt's are the devil's tools. that, my friends, is why i did not tell you about drake junior

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#twitter, #electrolemon

is it just that i follow a lot of people who have been magnifying the few times it’s happening or are there a lot of outlets making weird (and bad) attempts to muckrake ocasio-cortez (and her alone) these past few days

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#twitter, #electrolemon

fyi if you are donating to planned parenthood if you don't designate which state affiliate you want to donate to, the money goes to one associated with your zip code. I encourage you to send your $ to affiliates in states who will struggle the most if roe gets overturned

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i hereby move that we stop calling Jesse Plemons “Meth Damon/budget Matt Damon” and instead demote Matt Damon to “Messy Plemons”

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Whats going on with mycareer

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it’s upsetting to see how much sexism still exists in this country. just tried to pay for my lunch with a $13 bill and the cashier refused to accept it, just because there’s a WOMAN on it :(

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every so often i have myself a nice week and i celebrate friday nite. treat myself well. get extremely faded off the martinelli's and zapp's voodoo heat. might even fuck around and watch a movie made for children. no telling where this life will lead me

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90. AMERICAN ANIMALS – it's probably a bad time in history to enjoy watching a bunch of white dudes being sorry they did crimes, but they threw enough good actors and flashy I, TONYA style (CRIME, TONYA trademark, dibs) directing in there so it worked for me!!

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i saw Hereditary again tonight and oh my god there was a great scare i didn’t even NOTICE the 1st time. can’t wait to throw a tantrum when it loses the cinematography oscar to like, Gravity 2 or whatever. (please don’t do that thing where u openly spoil the movie in the replies)

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["Drunk In Love" voice] alan menken... alan menken

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what if ihob stands for "international house of better pancakes"

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very fun coincidence that toni collette has two movies released this weekend, HEREDITARY and HEARTS BEAT LOUD, that could've easily swapped names

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more like Ocean’s Pretty Good

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no more movies starring the joker until johnny knoxville is playing him

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jesus christ, the twitter trends keep freaking me out. saw Prince’s name on there and i thought he died

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i’ve got a great roller derby name for somebody to use, but it’s gonna be $5 if you want it. might be able to do $3. willing to entertain an offer of $1. could be convinced to give it up for a quarter. okay it’s “Barricadin’ Ashley”

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The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.

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hi everyone, your reminder in CA TOMORROW IS THE PRIMARY. Take a few minutes today to get your ballot together in case you haven't done mail-in voting yet. I personally am VERY excited to go to my polling place tomorrow morning and get my damn sticker.

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janem803 likes this

sometimes its nice to make a tweet you know you're gonna delete in an hour

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*wipes doritos dust onto cum-stained sweatpants* hmmmmm time to pick out a flawless wife on the internet. not rihanna her forehead's too big

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you went too hard, now the kid’s going softer / wrote dis verse while i was driving wit me friend fi the doctor

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someone's gonna turn that anna delvey story into a movie that i will watch forty times, and all i ask is that it be called SHE-WOLF OF WALL STREET

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I will return to answer any and all questions regarding this statement at 1pm PST tomorrow.

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there's a robot in #Solo with zero lines and literally one second of screen time. it is my favorite droid in the entire series and i haven't stopped thinking about the damn thing all week

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86. I'm pretty sure everybody I know is watching it, but it's still worth mentioning– BARRY is outstanding. The way this season has ramped up is perfect. Henry Winkler has my heart.

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"mr. police, i don't feel so.... WONDERFUL!"

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and i know this isn’t always applicable to great shows like brooklyn 99 or great news, where they’re episodic and more likely to be seen by binging but... i don’t know. i hate the idea that bingeable TV should be the future!! it’s just videos at that point!! okay rant over

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i just found out the history of the high five only goes back to the 1960s?? not even 60 years!! how the hell did people celebrate back in the day when they got in a good burn on president roosevelt

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why.... did i tweet this... then immediately watch.... the latest episode of Barry

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between legion and atlanta, i really admire FX’s commitment to producing beautiful, cool, original television that will fuck me up emotionally twice a week

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hey grover cleveland, welcome back to the white house, you big worm-whiskered, inflatable lookin bitch. nah i'm just messing with you– get over here so we can fondly rub each other's heads, playboy

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i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

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i wish i could say the earthquake woke me up, but i was completely awake and watching arrested development, as i do not have a job and i am a goddamn vampire

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janem803 likes this

if i ever find out donald glover can like, speak fluent french too i’m gonna fucking lose it

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it sucks this is only supposed to be four movies or else i'd add Stop Making Sense, Be Kind Rewind, The Princess Bride, Barbershop, and Space Jam to the list of movies that define me but oh whoops i guess this tweet is my way of doing that

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take me out, tonight
where there’s music and there’s people, but they better be white

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Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.

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just realized wes anderson essentially makes whitesploitation movies and i'm into it

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[coachella announcer voice] don't touch that dial, beyhive. coming up after beyonce, a special surprise encore performance from post malone

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beyonce bringin out jay-z for a few seconds is the baller version of a band walkin off stage before the encore to check their texts and get some water

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barely a joke, but the closer beyonce gets to those marching band members the more they fuck up their embouchure from smiling too much

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"li'l andy cunanan" jesus christ

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THEY JUST ANNOUNCED JOHN MULANEY ON SNL AS "JOHN MULVANEY" LMAO

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ME: these edibles don’t work
[30 min later]
ME: i was right about those edibles
FRIEND: why did you just say “hold shift M E colon release shift”

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congratulations to caleb landry-jones for somehow finding time in his busy 2017 film schedule to go back in time and do a cameo in The Social Network. this man is somehow putting himself in shit i've already seen, like the damn projector scene in IT

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i've been too depressed to actually engage with current events so all i've gotta say about this zuckerberg hearing, is that The Social Network is still the best movie of the decade. okay! off to watch– you guessed it– The Social Network, baby

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if you ever thought i was smart, know that i just saw West Side Story for the first time and spent the whole movie going “hmm... kinda seems a lil like romeo and juliet in this part... probably reading into it too much”

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i’ve been making so many bad calls lately i feel like alec baldwin

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folks, it's a pretty good weekend if you like seeing movies in theaters. don't really have a greater take here

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82. I just rewatched POPSTAR: NEVER STOP NEVER STOPPING and it’s flawless. Every single line is funny. It’s absolutely one of the best comedies of the decade.

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We really do seem to be collectively incapable of not rewarding stupidly provocative shit with our clicks.

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a lot of people have responded to this with “it’s a throwback reference to how 80s credits were.” sorry, but considering that this movie is flashy in literally every other regard and reference and spells out things like “that’s kaneda’s bike from akira,” that is a huge stretch

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extremely cold take, but the most staggering thing about READY PLAYER ONE (of... many) is how they didn’t give a shit about doing anything stylish with the credits/title. of all movies, you give THIS one normal text over black, like you forgot about them until the day before?

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it is extremely problematic of spike jonze to make me watch all of his commercials and music videos back to back instead of just directing a fuckin musical already

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a few people pointed out the photo for ezra cohen-watnick is actually devin nunes. oops. im not fixing it

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Rachel Maddow reading off this list of Trump Administration firings sounds like Yacko from Animaniacs rattling off the names of countries in that Nations of the World song

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ISLE OF DOGS is exactly what you think a movie about dogs would be from a man whose filmography screams "fuck dogs"

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i can't stop thinking about Game Night. i don't know how i haven't already gone to see it again

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since the story of ESPN's "The Price of Gold" is also part of "I, Tonya," they should re-adapt Tina Turner's memoir "I, Tina" into a movie called "The Price of GoldenEye." thank you

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it has always been weird to me how people act like things they loved in their youth couldn't possibly be known by younger people. the past isn't wiped out. every kid has a powerful supercomputer in their pocket, you're really shocked they probably know who willy wonka is?

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BRAIN: HEY
ME: AHHH what
BRAIN:
ME:
BRAIN: in 2005 the feature film Pooh’s Heffalump Movie was released in theaters. it is 68 minutes long.
ME: oh brother, again with the fucking heffalump fact

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81. THOROUGHBREDS - This movie is exactly 90 minutes. Not a minute over or under. Perfect length. Ten stars. Also, it’s very good. Olivia Cooke and Anya Taylor-Joy are wildly talented. 90 minutes!!!!

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call me dumb but i think the unpredictability of how we enjoy modern movies is kinda cool. weeks from now people could start saying “oh wow RAMPAGE is actually a very powerful black comedy about grief” and i’d absolutely believe it

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probably says a lot about me that i only love and respect teens when they undergo immense tragedy and try to channel their experience into positive change, but if one uses slang i’ve never heard before i get mad at them all again

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janem803 likes this

This is maybe a little hard to understand, because it's contrary to how Twitter works, but: when I say I like a thing, or I don't like a thing, I AM NOT TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU TO FEEL THE SAME WAY.

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MEN ON A WRINKLE IN TIME: this is such sjw diversity trash, what a fucking bomb. who even wants this, lmao. obviously this is gonna suck
MEN ON READY PLAYER ONE: what's so bad about it?. why is everyone so eager to hate nowadays. can't we just wait to judge when it comes out :/

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Bring in da noise, bring in daft punk

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apologies to the many women of SXSW that i have mistaken for sofia coppola, and kudos to sofia coppola on your many doubles that have helped you evade me once again

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been walking around austin for two hours yelling “REST IN PEACE RED7, BRING BACK LA ZONA ROSA” so all the locals know i’ve been here and
ain’t here to #disrupt the bitcoin industry or whatever

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getting an exciting glimpse into my future as i watch a happy old man in a faded hawaiian tee skate circles around teens at this roller rink

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i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: WOMEN belong in the KITCHEN, helping ME get my HAND out of the GARBAGE DISPOSAL

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I just won an Oscar. WTF?!?

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janem803 likes this

the more i realize three billboards actually sucks, the more i feel like the bad guy at the end of a heist movie who realizes the criminals got away with his money three hours ago

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loving this ad for War, during the Oscars. really changing my mind about War

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curse the academy for making me root against I, Tonya in any way

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WHAT WOMEN WANT COST $70 MILLION, THE SAME AS SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE FORGET THIS FACT

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deciding whether to nominate "Mystery of Love" or "Visions of Gideon" for the original song Oscar must've been a real Sufjie's Choice

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80. ANNIHILATION - this movie is stunning, cerebral, and horrifying, but i was honestly too fascinated with all of the horrifying stuff to feel scared. just felt awe. wowowowow. gonna be reading articles about this movie for weeks

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79. GAME NIGHT is one of the best mainstream comedies I have seen in such a long time. Well directed, shot, acted, written- it’s stylish as hell and every single person in it is very funny!!

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janem803 likes this

please please pleeeeease stop retweeting right wing trolls whose entire platform is Say Terrible Things To Anger The Libs, thereby building a fanbase of bigots whose only political stance is I Love And Support Anyone Who Anger The Libs

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YOU: it’s wonderful that Black Panther provides so many great black characters for children to emulate
ME, STANDING SHIRTLESS IN FRONT OF MY FREEZER, HOPING THE GOOSEBUMPS MAKE ME LOOK LIKE MICHAEL B. JORDAN: yeah yeah. and really, children can be any age

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weird side effect of wearing my Summit Ice shirt is forgetting about it in public and having strangers smile and say "Deny Nothing" to me like we're part of a freemason group or preparing to bomb Gotham

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alright i'm muting this tweet because college kids are now taking "i don't want to be friends with bigots" to mean "oh so you think people who hate taxes should be on a firing squad." thank u and sorry for everyone who had to deal with these replies bc of twitter's dumb algorithm

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A BUNCHA WHITE TEENS TO THIS TWEET: wow really shows how tolerant that you are that you can’t have conversations with people whose opinions are different than yours
WHITE TEENS IRL: haha nahh i think trump is loco but if you love him, that’s chill. let’s toss this disc my ninja

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i can’t relate to anyone who thinks political disagreements shouldn’t ruin friendships. we could get nuked at any point i’m not making time for catch-up brunches with My High School Algebra Classmate Who Thinks Welfare Is For Lazy People

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not one goddamn republican will do a THING to improve mental health or quality of life for the ill in the US. you soulless rat fucks have “thoughts and prayers” at the ready like you believe in a heaven, but you greedily weasel out of action like you’ve never believed in a hell

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hey just a heads up if somebody asks you to not politicize something “at this moment” it’s because they’re fully aware the position they’d ordinarily so vehemently defend would, in that very moment, make them look like a colossal piece of shit

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Just once I would like to read one of these "brutally honest Oscar voters" pieces that doesn't blast the female/minority-led film or suggest ulterior motives for why they're nominated.

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CALL ME BY YOUR NAME is thematically similar to CAROL, and set in the town of Crema, whose possessive form kind of sounds like “Christmas.” Okay, got it? Good, now you’ve got the necessary info for this joke: they should’ve called the movie A CREMA’S CA fuck i’m out of characters

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turn me onto phantom (threeeeeaaaaaad)

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You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine

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wait a minute- i saw blades of glory, i definitely understood this was a sport at some point in time. what's happening to my brain

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PSA: Cool Runnings is streaming on Netflix. PSPSA: I am available to write and direct the inevitable remake with the new Nigerian female bobsled team

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very disappointed in the poor representation at this year's olympics. yet again, all the athletes are hot and my children do not get see their ugly asses reflected in the games

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"birds continue twittering" is also the international title for INGRID GOES WEST in the UK

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ME: ..but i'm not “mad” about it, it's just weird because there was SPACE to nominate I, Tonya for Best Picture, but they didn't. i just think it’s funny is all.
BLIND DATE: my name is julianne by the way
ME: nice. same name as the actress playing the coach in the movie I, Tonya

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seeing the PETER RABBIT trailer before PADDINGTON 2 feels a lot like when you’d go to a friend’s house as a kid but they couldn't hang until their weird ass brother who dresses like Naruto left for taekwondo

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? Creole Lady Doritos ?

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holy shit they just put footage from tonight’s super bowl game into TONIGHT’S episode of THIS IS US

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now that we’ve all watched that terrific live reboot of INVINCIBLE, be sure to turn your TV over to Netflix for THE CLOVERFIELD PARADOX

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the kid timberlake picked to singing along with him 100% did not know that song. should’ve found the one kid that saw Trolls, justin

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every time they cut to a kickoff during an NFL game, i immediately think “i bet i could do that”

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i do not like the graphic/font choices made in the han solo trailer. that’s the only take i have

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funny how The Libs say that right-wingers will believe anything, yet you all seem to believe "Hope Hicks" is the name of a real person and not a secretary that gets suddenly kidnapped by a racist caricature in some 1940s comic book

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middle-of-the-night earthquakes are a ploy by Big Tweet to make us all get back on this website long after we told somebody we were going to bed

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[to the tune of "little red corvette"] Call Me By Your Name

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one thing i would really love to see on television for once, is a drama about cops

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YOU: that 'new california' thing was some bullshit
ME: [imagining the potential for a 'new red hot chili peppers'] now hold on a second

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(ok but what does "the shape of water" even mean as the title of this movie it sounds poetic but uhhhh ?)

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absolutely elated over The Big Sick, Get Out, and Lady Bird's surprising nominations and doing a deep Marge Simpson grumble over everything else

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very excited to wake up for oscar nominations in four and a half hours so i can get extremely mad about movies and go right back to sleep, angry as hell. the american dream

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the best critically-acclaimed movie in theaters right now where a humorous but racist officer is excoriated for his racism by the community he lives in outside of Ebbing, Missouri, is PADDINGTON 2

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(i saw 77 of the movies released in 2017 this is just a ranking of all the ones i would say i "love")

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well i just ruined CALL ME BY YOUR NAME for myself by trying to recall one of the sufjan songs and singing blink-182's "I Miss You" instead

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On the subject of “why didn’t she just leave?” ...

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janem803 likes this

the next time the president says "i'm the least racist person" will someone please start listing renowned historical figures of color and asking him to assert that they are more racist than he is

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