AsteriosK's Posts

that's what i thought!!

mobile.twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

And now, to google this, purely for research purposes

mobile.twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

THESE FUCKING KIDS AND THEIR NINTENDO SWITCH

mobile.twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

No, prime directive

mobile.twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

persona 5 is just zoomer chrono trigger

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

it's a CHEESCAKE FACTORY not CHEESECAKE AND OTHSR STUFF FACTORY

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

after you defeat the white house there's a second "true form" bunker called the black house

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Seinfeld: "And what's the deal with Guilty Gear!? Why is it pronounced "Zechs" when it should be a big fat X??? WHY ARE ALL THE NAMES SO NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED?????????"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

As the CEO of Antifa LLC, I challenge the President to a robust but respectful debate. Our company HQ in Pasadena has a fully equipped studio for livestreaming, and I cordially invite POTUS to a hearty post-debate lunch. We may have our differences but we all want the same thing!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

we just recorded a new christory OK dad????

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

which persona is YOUR favorite? speak your answer straight into the toilet!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Melty Blood Actress Again Current Code is Melty Blood Actress Again Current GREAT!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

PLEASE BE CAREFUL TO ANY PROTESTERS GOING TO FENWAY PARK -- THE DROPKICK MURPHY'S ARE LIVESTREAMING A CONCERT FROM THE FIELD -- AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

As a reporter, I’ve been detained in Iran, spied on in China, and followed and harassed in Russia. I’ve never had colleagues arrested and handcuffed while doing their job here in the US.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Yu-Gi-Oh is clearly winning...

and yet...

the siren's song of "Which of the F*R*I*E*N*D*S would make the best friend" beckons...

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Knowing very little lore about either show, I think it's gonna be closer than anyone anticipates. Ross is the largest of the friends so I see him going the furthest of them based on pure might. Alf is an alien so he's got a mystery factor, I don't know what powers he has.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I like the idea of Alf destroying Ross.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

dammit, "sir no pants" just suggested the best topic ever for the call-in show

"which of the F*R*I*E*N*D*S* would make the best friend"

dammit! ok we're doing that in two weeks

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

In "I Learn Yu-Gi-Oh Live", every caller will get to explain exactly one rule to me, and then i will hang up on them

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

So every caller gets their shot to convert me to enjoying their weeb garbage

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Doing a call-in show this Saturday night! What should the topic be?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hey so

ok so

hah hah ok so

what exactly is "chili"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Today I
>Edited The Lime & The Kokkinos 3
>Told a racist toxic person that I have been forced to hang around for most of my childhood that I never liked him and that I never forgave his dad for calling my mom on chemotherapy "a pirate"
>I won a game of jackbox

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Remember when Louie CK did a whole season finale about what a good person he was for doing poorly attended USO shows

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Looks like this version comes with a mask -- will it fit my gigantic face???

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Elmo has killed his landlord

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I have been trying to get this game, and Katamari Reroll, for the Switch for under $20 for weeks!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Does anyone want to come to my fishing party?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Silly Asterios, real intellectuals don’t need evidence

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Just because i can't drink anymore doesn't mean i don't want CHAOS

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

old code died for some reason? new one's 1J2RR

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I could market myself to dumbasses as "webby award recipient" after technically receiving the statue in the mail

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

BLATHERS: I am tempted to purchase these for my personal collection...

FEDS LISTENING IN VAN: we got him, we got you motherfucker, just hand over the money

BLATHERS: But no. I must exercise restraint and

FEDS: [throw headphones off]

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Friends, we did it. Together, we were able to convince DC to release the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League. Now it's time to stick together and work on getting the next big nerd project released: universal healthcare.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"and just as the capstone to years of work was about to be laid, snyder was sidelined...by joss wheedle"

[cut to: joss wheedon's bloated red face, poorly photoshopped onto a wheedle]

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hooray made half a mil! Thanks, left you some misc. cool shit in front of your house

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i'm at work right now so i can't run around and hit people with a net, but i got my switch on no sleep, so chill out!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Thank you for sharing my story, Isabella.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

wait

what if hydroxychloroquine tastes really, really good

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

anime and manga

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Fuck it I'm also giving a national commencement speech

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Dodo code: 1M33J

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

My new nickname is

"The PTA of Laffs"

Please refer to me as "The PTA of Laffs" in any press/promotional material, thanks

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

ok i'm gonna publish a dodo code during this saturday's call in show

nobody fuck this up!!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

anyone who makes a better financial decision for them or their family is no longer welcome at Elane's with me, Woody Allen, the ghost of Ed Kotch, and famed Guardian Angels leader Curtis Sliwa

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

on the bright side, we finally got rid of all the tourists in new york!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

As a Milkogist (milk engineer) i can say this os 200% true, we should delete all cow milk right now

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i need help designing magic the gathering cards for me and sirancha

i feel like i would be green and she would be red?

i feel like she would have an incredibly high attack and i would force the other player to spill diet coke on his cards

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Traveling Matt Fraggle narrowly avoids the DoozeRevolution.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Bronys: Threat or Menace?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

it's so easy to talk to weebs, just say some bullshit you heard on a podcast

"hurrr durr A-1 Pictures has really gone off the rails this year"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Bullshit. Also, still waiting on your next Barbie movie review.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Pretty cool of Atlus to put WAY more portraits into Persona 5 Royale...what's your favorite?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

He's a stand up comedian who's dressing like a clown

This is confusing

The Joker needs to pick a lane

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I think i figured out the problem with The Joker

So the new Joker is a failed stand-up, Alan Moore's Joker was a failed stand-up, he's often a comic

But are they wearing the standard comedian costume (thick glasses, beard, flannel, overweight)?

No!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Sad news, folks. Elon Musk fell onto the Tesla production line and got a license plate stamped onto his ass

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

THREE HUNDRED FORTY EIGHT THOUSAND BELLS??

FOR AN EXTRA ROOM??

THAT'S THE COST OF THREE ENTIRELY SEPARATE HOUSES!!

HOW DO I GET OFF THIS ISLAND

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Can you imagine if your co-worker asked, "Wanna smell my flower?"

If that flower had acid in it, you'd be like, "Oh thank god, now I get to die"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

All of The Jokers props are also unfunny

Who the hell uses a joy buzzer?

Can you imagine if you shook a new coworker's hand and he had a joy buzzer?

It would be so awkward

You'd fake laugh, then avoid him for the rest of your life

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

He's always like, "Society is the joke, morality is the joke, justice is the joke"

None of those things are jokes

He should try telling jokes

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

The Joker is an incredible performer, that's not the issue. The issue is his material.

I think he just needs writers!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Anyone else love how they buffed the baton pass in Persona 5 Royal?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

It’s the grave of porg chatter

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Krokodil is Kroko-DONE!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

198,000 BELLS?!? FOR A SLIGHTLY BIGGER ROOM?!?

I JUST BUILT YOU THREE HOUSES FOR FREE ASSHOLE

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

RT if you feel powerless to protect your elderly parents in the face of a plague perpetuated by idiots OR if you like pizza!!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i need a good online print shop to make my new ZINE! who has a recommendation?!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

THE LOUDEST PODCAST will be hella late this week -- but it will be out!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

“They always said, ‘Lincoln, nobody got treated worse than Lincoln,’" Trump continued. “I believe I am treated worse.”

LMAO, the dude was literally shot in the back of the head.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

people give tom nook a lot of shit, but he works 24 hours a day and has kids

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hold my bugs, blathers, you dusty old bitch

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND BELLS??? FOR A TINY HOUSE ON A DESERTED FUCKING ISLAND?!?!?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

$state parks are now OPEN: |???????????| | don’t f* this up | | | | practice social | | distancing | | ___________| (\__/) || (•?•) || / ?$

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Alex Jones is trending, perhaps for sending the biggest basket of toys ever to children in need!!!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

so if anyone has a six foot bong with a skull on it and when you hit the bong the skull's eyes glow red and the skull says "happy halloween!"

please get in touch, we will need it for the april 2021 show

back to work. peace!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Which is the worst barely-above-fast-food? There is a correct answer.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

It's 3 AM.

Trump sits alone in the Oval Office, his trusty Stratocaster across his knee, strumming away at a slow and somewhat bluesy rendition of "It's Been Awhile" by Staind.

His technique is rudimentary but the feeling is undeniable. The man and the music are one.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

This is the funniest thing I've ever seen

Shit sucks right now and I needed a distraction and THIS IS IT!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

this also creates carbon waste in the shipping chain, which also sucks, but like what the hell are we supposed to do right now, not buy a new used paper shredder

i need a new used paper shredder

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Could the problem be I'm TOO talented???

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hey wrestling fans

I need another great podcast like "Cheap Heat" that breaks down the current week in wrestling

I'm already listening to masked man & conrad's stuff

Any suggestions?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

after they booed, he said "ok, ok, she's kinda manish"

this was also booed

in 2020, literally either opinion would be your campaign slogan

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Stan's first live debate point: "Does anyone else think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?"

the audience gasps

today: half of the audience applauds & tweets "Stan SLAMS Feminism In Room Of Angry Women"

then this would go viral. everything he says would go viral

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i owe the Jurassic Park franchise an apology, it is in fact very realistic the rich would reopen a park in spite of it consistently resulting in mass death

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

four twenty = the sex number but for weed??

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

This is eerie: I have a pile of crumbling old comic books i was cutting up for collage last night. I was cutting up a Nancy one and suddenly, once again, there was a character clearly based on my dad

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Remember the people that aren't checking up on you during quarantine don't have anxiety or other issues, they just don't love you

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I learned who this person was ten hours ago & I'm very impressed

I GOTTA know her secret!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i will drink and smoke weed again on april 14th, 2021

hopefully this time we WILL get to do a big crazy live show in NYC

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

patreon dot com slash grunkle asterios

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I'M ON THE YOUTUBE TONIGHT LIVE AT 8PM LEARNING ABOUT SONIC AND TAKING CALLS ABOUT SONIC DON'T BE WEIRD PLEASE

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

It’s time for you to hate Mondays again. Back to work. You’re all expendable.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"uh actually, i go by pickle richard these days"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

my dick is poggers

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

So sad to hear of the passing of my friend, the greatest ring announcer in the biz, Howard Finkel, at the age of 69.

The Hall of Famer is now ring announcing in Heaven. #RIPFink

No one was more loyal or loved pro wrestling more than The Fink.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Every day is still Rusev Day.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Bank of America: We are here for you! Please let us know if you’d like to defer your payments!

Me: omg thank you, I actually would!

BoA: We took $200 from your account and forgot what you just said! Please don’t hesitate to reach out :)

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Carrie Underwood: “he’s probably buying her fruity little drink ‘cause she can’t shoot whiskey

9 year old me: wow how embarrassing

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Bad news: my doctor said I only have a quibi to live

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

asterios there are children on this site how could you be so digusting

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hey if u guys ever make it out to chipotle u simply must try the “burrito”

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

when does how i met your mother get good?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Should I do a "Christory" but it's about Sonic and all the stupid Sonic extended universe bullshit

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Am I the only guy who thinks Beck kinda sucks and also still lives in 1994

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

can any of you goddamn kids just use the internet normally

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I have risen baby, yeah!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I sure hope this is all some kinda deathbed hallucination or these kids are gonna be serial killers

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I always wondered what it was about sonic that would cause a very specific subset of people to lose their minds

sonic fans, I get it and I see you

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

They end the episode with the guy from the dracula puppet musical movie literally crying in the snow

And like two scenes earlier there was a plot where Barney pretended to be his wife's gynecologist

Guys pick a tone here

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Billy Gunn’s King of the Ring victory in 1999 failed to push him up the card because they didn’t call him KING ASS.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

man garfield doesn't even know we're in a quarantine

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

you're stuck in lockdown with 1 pet

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Please sign my petition to convince Cadbury to continue putting creme eggs on shelves for a month after the quarantine lifts since I was unable to really dig into them around Easter time

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hey everyone taking photos of how empty New York is:

go the fuck back inside

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Ever noticed how people who don't do or say things the exact way you do are rude as fuck

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

columbo animated series

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

can we all agree that we'd vote for joe if he said "oppa gangam style" and then did the gangam style dance

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

this may be the wrong day to ask this but who is burnie sanders

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

we're gonna do a youtube call in show and the topic will be

"30 SECOND DRINKING TALES!"

you will have 30 seconds to tell a story about a crazy bar adventure or insane thing that happened while intoxicated

I WILL BE TIMING IT

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but oppa gangnam style.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

omg sirancha has no idea how many memes she's gonna have waiting in her inbox tomorrow morning

(it's two)

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Fuck if I know. Trolling on Reddit is like walked on a mine field except it's a whole field of mines with an occasional patch of dirt instead of the other way around.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

but i never figured out who ripped me off!

it was weird! usually you wait before ripping a guy off to cover your tracks, you don't steal their shit the day it launches

if anyone knows who ripped me off, tell 'em to text me an apology! 347 705 7617.

i'll keep 'em anonymous!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Well, well, well, looks like somebody shouldn't have been fiscally responsible in February

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I may be out lysol, but i bought a CASE of onesies for Italian/Irish babies that said, "half pasta, half potato, all cute"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

My dad is 1/8th Karen so I’m allowed to say it.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

If you can't handle me at my worst, bad news, that was actually my best

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

ALSO:

-the world premiere of mambo number six

-the topic: who's got the best mom or dad

-sirancha might show up

-i will be drinking malort for the first time

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Look

If there's a D&D podcast or a wrestling podcast out i should be listening to

Tell me

please I'm out of content

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

God works in meatsterious ways

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

People make fun of Sally Field's character in Mrs. Doubtfire for not seeing through Robin Williams' ruse but accusing your nanny of secretly being your ex husband disguised as an elderly british woman is the sort of shot you don't take unless you're 100% certain

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

feeling a little worried about a few things to be honest

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"Social distance?" I've been "socially distant" from people my whole life, out of anger

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Days are now divided by coffee hours and alcohol hours, there is no other law

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

sunnys likes this

I guess I’ll never be able to lie to myself again about all the shit I would do if I just had the time.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

swatchUSA likes this

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

So what is there to do besides eat, is there, like, another thing to fill the time or

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

howdy. i'm the sheriff of NO SELF SERVE GAS

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I noticed the folks whose tweets I enjoy/relate to (esp during ) are folks I’d barely interact with when I see them around town. I go outside to smoke a lot at shows/parties due to anxiety, etc. Anyhow, I love you all except for one or two of you that I hate with my whole heart

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

oh, you like Thee Oh Sees? name thirty of their albums

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i lysol'd a bunch of cash today

how's everyone else's COVID freakouts goin

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hey what listeners of ours live in Istanbul?! I just got a returned book from there

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

impractical jokers is so funny i pissed myself. i also drink my own piss. i love piss

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

IT"S LIKE POTTERY!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Oh shit Anakin DOES bring balance to the force because he leaves exactly two sith and two Jedi alive

Was it not supposed to take me twenty years to realize this

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I felt bad & thought she had sent too much money for my birthday

Cut to: me, shilling my patreon for 3+ years

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

also please stop replying with the phrase "gamer girl pee"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I will literally lick a doorknob before I watch Quibi

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

also another one of these tweens who follows me is making a slideshow about sanic lore

let's see how many slides in i get before dying!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Did I see you Americans are getting a one-time $1200 check to cover COVID unemployment? Because Canada just announced $2000/month for the next four months.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

but someone at lucasfilm was like, "aren't people gonna ask where his ghost is?"

and it's like

no, this is all magic bullshit, i wasn't gonna ask & would just assume they couldn't get the actor ba-

"BETTER INVENT GHOST SCHOOL AND HAVE HIM SKIP GHOST CLASSES ON GHOST DAY"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

It got in my mouth

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

keep getting emails from banks like, "hey, times are tough, we're totally here to listen & remind you to pay the fuck up"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

While Filming Wet “Hot” American Summer, the cast and crew BONDED, like they were really at Camp!!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Fifteen days until the sobriety bet ENDS!!

End of the world's not gonna stop it!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Who or what should I start simpin' for?!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

sure bernie wants to give us health care, but who will keep our pools safe from bad eggs and dicey fellows?

corn pop is out there. is bernie ready?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I can't believe WWE is completely re-enacting the entire Royal Rumble match, move-for-move, in front of a live #Raw audience, at a time like this. So irresponsible. For shame.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

List fictional characters that have tested positive for Coronavirus

I’ll start:
ALF

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

bernie saying "go to the youtube" baby i love u so much

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Oh god they're gonna make a mumblecore movie called "Social Distancing" aren't they

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

look they’re practicing social distancing and washing their hands

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

to the tune of paralyzer by finger eleven?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

ALERT! There's a new SCAM out there where YOUR TOILET turns out to be QUAGMIRE (FROM "FAMILY GUY")

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I went to the grocery store this afternoon. As I was walking in I heard a woman yell to me from her car. I walked over and found an elderly woman and her husband. She cracked her window open a bit more, and explained to me nearly in tears that they are afraid to go in the store.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hi. I’m high risk for coronavirus. Whenever I see people talking about folks overreacting to all this it hurts. *I* need you to self quarantine. *I* need you to social distance yourself. *I* don’t have enough of certain cells to fight this.
And it’s frustrating.
Because we knew

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

So many of my tweets make more sense if you imagine Joe Biden tweeted them

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

But that's only if we figure out which one tastes the best early

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

BERNIE: Americans deserve better.

BIDEN: [Literally calls a guy fat and challenges him to a push up contest]

VOTERS: I like how Biden is a moderate.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

VOTERS: "I just don't think Bernie's likable enough..."

BERNIE: Americans deserve universal health care

BIDEN: [threatens autoworker to a fistfight]

VOTERS: "If only Bernie would calm down..."

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

The fact that you have been given such a platform to tweet these things is both amazing and scary

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

In these trying times, let's not lose sight of what really matters: Marvin Martian was the referee in Space Jam because he's both an alien and a Looney Tune, making him the only neutral party.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

You think your business is bad? *hangs closed sign on hand-licking booth *

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Getting unreasonably angry imagining the tv show Brooklyn Nine-Nine making a joke about COVID-19 and, following minor controversy on social media, uploading a full cast in-character apology video to youtube

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"Wait, this tastes terrible...oh god, I wasted my life."

-Shredder, after finally eating turtle soup

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I wonder if they'll postpone CoronavirusCon

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hah hah ok so i give up where is this "clitorus"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

new york state just declared a containment zone around my tight hole =(

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

did u guys know every joke on the show friends was improv? the show was actually written to be a soap opera but chandler and the gang were so naturally funny that it turned out to look more like a sitcom and the network just ran with it

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Going to be a BAD Curb season for Mocha Joe!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Just big dogged a bathroom full of betas with my epic handwashing

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

he didn't really turn himself into a pickle did he

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

oh my god what is this "pickle rick" shit this is hilarious

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Oh my god seriously did you kids record this into the drive thru microphone

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

this might be the first podcast ever where the guest sounds better than the hosts

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hey i have no idea what to do today pitch me some ideas

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

1. Thanks to DDP. 2. Thanks to AEW for opportunity 3. Thanks to JAKE for not giving up on sobriety that was so hard. WOW one of the greatest moments in my life

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

YEAAAA BOYY LOVE THAT LIME JINJO CONTENT BABEEEYYYY WOOOOOOOOO YEAHHHH

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"Don't worry, this "coronavirus" only kills the sick or elderly. Y'know, those who need the most care & love. Anyway time to buy some cheap stonks, catch you on the flippadip!"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Thank god Monk's not around to see this

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

can you believe these people just regular givin me like $100 worth of beer

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Bloomberg spent 500 million on his presidential bid. There are 500 people in the United States. He could have given us each a million dollars

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

just had a 15 year old tell me i look like i smoke american spirits then i asked if he stole that insult from r/RoastMe and he said “i dont use reddit im not a fucking school shooter”
not even paraphrasing that genuinely just happened i hate it here

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Congratulations to Mike Bloomberg for making Facebook & Youtube even richer!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Caroline Calloway please cement your queen status and livestream your quarantine

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i was unironically hoping for a bernie/amy unity ticket containing 100% screaming

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

The best way to win is to simply outlive the bad people. Be strong, work to take care of people, take care of yourself.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

thank you all for hanging out tonight on stream! i'm gonna cut it all together and upload it asap. WE WILL FINISH WRITING MAMBO #6 NEXT STREAM!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Yes I'm working out in my work clothes because if i go home to change I'll never leave omg

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

OK i give up

Why should i play mine craft

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

The SeaQuest guy???

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

fuck i forgot to add "chicken fingers"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

He's the jar because in certain ads the Kool aid inside is different than the titular red.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Is that an oldies band

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

which final fantasy is that from

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I have a page I want to do about ALF that I think would be funny. Is my wife right that nobody remembers ALF and it would be another waste of time and effort, to go along with so many before?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

oh god i just got followed by like 75 people with anime avatars

am i on some kinda boomer image board you kids are all cranking off to

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

RT and follow us to get a $10 Sticker Mule credit. Ends Wednesday at 10pm EST.

Have a great #MuleMonday!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Means you're a special snowflake, like OH girls take off their clothes for money? I would NEVER. Okay, pick me ass bitch, just say you hate sex workers and go

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Sriancha is out of town

thus begins the dawn of the 6pm bedtime

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I haven't bought new clothes in like ten years but

I hear the chainlink token is a license to print money!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hey

what are youtube channels that are like RLM or OSW Review

(i.e. not terrible)

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i mean -- good for him obviously for making a game out of spite and not telling anyone

but is he the kinda guy where you give him a paycheck and he writes 'fuck you' on it

but then cashes it anyway and spends the money on toys

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

''I dipped my new dog in Mountain Dew''
''No need for pet insurance, now he's goo''

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"I watched my mom and dad through a hidden camera"

"I had a fun tinder date with a Tamara"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

BAHAHA I was fired from an INTERNSHIP at the Charles Schulz museum TELLING A TOURING CLASS OF KIDS HE RAN A DOGFIGHTING RING DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD NOW DOES IT

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I don't see why Bloomberg thinks that Sanders owning three houses is a bad thing when there's a reasonable argument that it's the best Fire Emblem game

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

man maybe after that just watch battlestar galactica (skip the pilot, start with "33")

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

YES TEAR EACH OTHER APART

I WANT BLOOD

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Do you have the "right to recline?"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

please leave us something good

not bad

at (848) 863 5343

repeat: NOT bad

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

LETS GO BLUES. 1-0 #STLMade #KaKaw

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Pokémon fans were happy, Smash fans were sad

Smash fans were happy, Animal Crossing fans were sad

Animal Crossing fans are now happy, Xenoblade fans are sad

Such is life

Such is Nintendo

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

it's not a home run, but it keeps that little blue bastard in the game, and for that, i am thankful

i am also thankful for the great taste of popcorn

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i somehow get the feeling that between the comics, novelizations and individual episodes of the TV shows

there are currently 30 pieces of individual media that touch upon "going to force ghost night school"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

H0 is 1:87 poor modeltrain knowledge for a boomer

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Sirancha had some very... "strong" opinions about it

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

The cartoon is a cheap ripoff and the Thomas Turner in it doesn't even look like Drake Bell

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Do I try hard every day? Yes.

Do I always succeed? No.

Do I fall down sometimes? Yes.

Do I get back up again and keep trying? No.

Do I live on the floor now, is the floor my home? Yes.

Tag someone to take the "Lives On The Floor Because They've Given Up" Challenge!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

and unexpectedly: Tommy the Tank Engine

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

3 years ago today, the first episode of Thought Cops released.

To everyone who has supported us: thank you

We’ve got some big moves planned for 2020. Stay tuned

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

that picture of goku and vegeta fist bumping but its bernie and yang people teaming up to smoke weed and watch mythbusters

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Sirancha has assured me that when Mister Bright-Side comes on, all of the "white people" in the room will "lose their shit"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

What's a good karaoke song that has very few pauses or breaks i never know what to do during the breaks

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

$NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THIS MATH HAT$

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

REALITY CHECK: If you have something stuck in your ear and you go to Urgent Care, they do NOT have a fancy ear-sucking machine. They just stab you in the ear with tweezers until they get the thing. Which is what my wife did before I went to Urgent Care. To conclude: love is grand

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Calling on BattleHawks Nation, I need your advice!

Would you engage in & support a giveaway promotion? (tickets/merch/etc.) VOTE BELOW

Have other ideas to boost traffic for this page? Leave a comment! DMs always open!
#KaKaw #XFL2020 #ClearedToEngage

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hear all this and more on my new danny phantom watchalong podcast, "the phantom zone with katie & asterios"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Bernie’s what’s happening!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Betting on the BattleHawks is like printing free money.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

THE LOUDEST PODCAST will drop in a few hours!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Can’t wait! I already know who I’m gonna pick

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Ember is my goddess

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Ok I've gotten so many gross DM's of cartoon characters I'm considering changing the topic to, "What's the best cereal"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

if "new donk city" is "new york city" but the "y" is a "d" and the "r" is an "n" does that mean their version of mario is from bnookldn?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Fred Flintstone

Think Fred Flinstone

Not

"this one octopus from this one video game where the tentacles are dicks and they go inside other dicks"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

can't wait until we can all forget about iowa again

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Pete Buttigieg pulling you into the conference room to tell you he’s noticed you’ve been leaving a little earlier than usual lately

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Saying "i'm deeply depressed, can't make it"
-concerning
-ppl get uncomfortable
-many friends do not know how to help

Saying "sorry! too depresso"
-cute
-concerning but like, not *scary*
-friends laugh and also do not know how to help

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

A woman just came into the bar and while I know in her heart she wasn’t trying to be mean she ends up saying to me “I always wanted to be a bartender but I grew up with very strict parents who forced me to make something of myself” and then left without tipping lmfao

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

perhaps we should not have been so quick to dismiss the call for “no malarkey”

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I just heard this new song by Blink One Hundred & Eighty Two entitles, "All The Small Things"

And you know what I "know" that "sucks" more than work??

Being a lazy good for nothing slacker now get back to work you stupid tweens!!!!!!!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

So who won the episode?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Who's McDonalds Top 5 is better?

Asterios:
-Medium Fries
-M&M McFlurry
-Grilled Chicken Meal
-6pc Mighty Kids Meal (Boys toy)
-Chicken Selects

Sirancha:
-McChicken
-2 Cheeseburgers w/Mac Sauce
-Double Espresso
-Caramel Frappe
-Fish McBites

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

No Kofi, no Kokkinos! Turning off the rumble, tell me who wins

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Someone suggested waiting until you can smoke again, but I would say not to. While getting high can help with appetite, you'll kill yourself on the fries due to a dryer throat. Cabbage dude has the right idea.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Also you gotta remember, you are eating to win, not to enjoy it. Don’t over chew!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

**ME, A HISTORIAN, ON A PANEL IN 2045**

"Look, I've run the numbers: Sanders's surge in the polls happened immediately after the #hotgirlsforbernie hashtag started trending. There's no way around it, Jim, hot girls were responsible for putting Bernie Sanders in the White House."

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

why do you think he is so cranky

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Does the sugar/soy sauce thing really work I’m losing my mind

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

joe rogan: i mean the whole idea of borders is so fucked up, man. i can't walk 5 meters to the left because some guy drew an imaginary line there? its crazy man

austin powers: yeah baby not very groovy. and if i could just address the naughty allegations against me for a second,

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

so much momentum coming out of TFA. loved that movie! three cool new heroes & a super hateable villain.

TLJ did great with rey and kylo, but finn and poe spun their wheels

then in TROS, finn & poe had even less to do, and rey just beat the emperor again

I already saw that!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Dentists fix your teeth by absorbing the damages onto their own teeth. This man is a goddamn hero.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I loved him the moment I saw him on stage at the Edinburgh Festival in 1963. So many laughs,moments of total hilarity onstage and off we have all shared with him. It’s too sad if you knew him,but if you didn’t you will always smile at the many wonderfully funny moments he gave us

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

$? (\__/) ? (•?•) gas station _? ? ? __ attendants / `/ ?Y? Y ? ( (??? / | | ?? ??? ? ?___>?___/ |( ? ?< (\__/) /?`???\ (•?•) new jerseyans$

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I'm listening to rich girl right now

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Remember: in the 1980's this was a bad thing

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Runners up included:

STRAWBERRY POCKY
RICE BALLS (any)
TASTYKAKES (any)

and some kinda thing from the UK that's like a pop tart filled with steak? I forget the name but it looked GREAT!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

The Frasier writers Totally Abandoned making Daphnee "pssychic" after the show's "early seasons" -... IT WAS NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

please get this trending with the hashtag #AsteriosxToilet

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hey i haven't seen a single person talk about this but on the way into TROS my party and i were literally handed focus group questionnaires by Disney trying to market research with fans

Has anyone else seen or talked about them? I stole mine -- they're hilarious

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

No, General Hux was the best.

Frothing at the mouth, screaming every line of dialogue. Perfect bad guy.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

THROUGHOUT LITTLE WOMEN WE COULD HEAR TROS IN THE THEATER NEXT TO US AND WHEN BETH DIED AND IT WAS REALLY QUIET ALL OF A SUDDEN WE JUST HEARD BABU FRIK GO "hEEYYYHEYYYYY"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

oh well LAH DEE DAH look who has EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE and can READ SOCIAL CUES

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i'm seeing pocky like all over the place now, in weird bodegas you would not expect it in

even machta pocky

so that's on the list

god imagine if machta kit kats just start showing up

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i like to take certain parts of the bible literally and this is one of them, it's also where thhey talk about jesus having a huge blade coming out of his mouth and i just picture him gagging on a huge buster sword

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Everyone is toxic but me, Asterios Kokkinos

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Have you guys heard this "pumped up kicks" song? Those shoes sound great!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

oh there's also comic strip bro AND comic ART bro

two diff bros

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

a lot of listeners text me hyperspecific info on subcultures and i LOVE THEM FOR IT

so far i've got:

-nerd board games bro
-kirby merchandise bro
-kirby LORE bro (this is a different bro)
-gecko bro
-portland bro
-lives with a roommate who keeps letting strippers move in bro

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"Time to peg Odie off the table"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

good night kids! make good decisions and try not to die

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

? ? ?

howdy. i'm the sheriff of sign of the horns

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

small state BIG ENERGY

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

$what exit / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \$

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Peeling a price tag sticker off in one piece

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Warm sheets and blankies

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

My main advice for freelancers is to buy pants that are soft enough to be pajamas, but you aren’t ashamed to wear them outside in case of an emergency

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

If I am elected president, I will do the first ever pacifist run of the United States.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Asobe Asobase Kokkinos

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

She’s too spicy

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"Oh waaaaa! Oh waaaa! OH WAAAAA!"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Also, Orochimaru literally assassinated the Ninja President and now he's cool too, I think. His son is even going to same school Naruto did.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Maximize child content criticism.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

***2020 CONTENT SUGGESTIONS THREAD***

Last year, we asked what more kinda content you wanted from us. You said:

"Put out a weekly podcast like normal people do, what's wrong with you, why do you need us to tell you this."

...and we did! So what should our 2020 be about?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

How does aging work in the Bugsy Malone universe? If you’re an adult at 15, are you considered elderly by 50? Does anyone live past 15? Are there babies as we know them, or are you born an adult and reverse age like Benjamin Button?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

It's the year of the double crit! What are your #DnD resolutions, adventurers?

#HappyNewYear

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i'm on my fifth day of of 23:1 intermittent fasting

is this traditionally when light speeds up around the person fasting and they hear laughter coming from behind the walls

or is that like a day seven thing or

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Asterios Kills A Manchild - AKAK but with failure-to-launch adults asking for advice.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I would like to hear more opinion pieces on food.
Like a food vs food segment (maybe a podcast) where you each go over a type of foods that are compared and debate why it's better than the other.
IE hot dog vs hamburger, Smoked vs Grilled Bbq, etc.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

$(•_•) <) )?HEY GRANDMA / \ \(•_•) ( (> HOW ABOUT ANOTHER / \ (•_•) <) )> GRAPE SODA / \$

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

????????????????
????????????????
????????????????
T H I S I S A B A D M A Z E.
W H O M A D E T H I S M A Z E?
????????????????
????????????????
????????????????

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I'm about to hit 24 hours! Goddamn. I really like this fasting stuff.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I'm ready to take on Bart at King of the Mountain! Take the quiz and tell me which Man Vs Bear grizzly you got.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Ok who here does intermittent fasting

And how often do you say "Gotta Go Fast!"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Characters, dice, a wizard mascot that comes out every eleven minutes to randomize point values

It'll be incredible

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Wait

Hey

Star Wars question

How did that ONE star destroyer with a planet killing laser get out of that nebula but the other 90,000 can't

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

yeah what the fuck, why would you ever live on a planet in star wars, just live on a spaceship now i guess? live like han solo in some kinda flying bachelor pad?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

My niece just asked where to start with Star Wars. I said, "Don't bother with the movies, start with Rebels and go from there."

I've only seen like two episodes of Rebels. Is this the right answer?

I saw some of Clone Wars S1 as a kid and it was shitty. When does it get good?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"Help me. Play the Pixies for me at maximum volume. And all the Kim Sonic Youth tracks. I can be saved. You must act quickly."

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

“I’m Rey.”
“Rey who?”
*Rey looks around for a moment, then smiles*
“Rey Star Wars.”

DIRECTED BY JJ ABRAMS

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I bought a CBD joint, decaf americano and a protein bar, allowing me to now summon Ultimo Boomer

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

That was good! Very much like a Marvel movie -- forgettable, but enjoyable.

I'm pooping now

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hey Billymark's West looks dangerous! We are going to Maggie Reilly's instead. It's right next door.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I'm about a half hour into this new star wars movie and so far if feels like...cutscenes?

From a high budget star wars video game?

Something kinda hollow about it. Well, done peeing, back to work

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

The elites don’t want you to know that the floor adds flavor. You’re all sheeple.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

if i end up liking rise of skywalker because all of you internet a-holes lowered my expectations, don't blame me

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

It was 17 seconds you liar

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

You should be able to leave a job or a marriage without fear of losing your health insurance. Medicare for All means safety and security.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

New Christory dropped yesterday, if you were wondering why you got a spooky chill from out of nowhere

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Pete Buttigieg allowed JojaMart to destroy the Pelican Town Community Center to make room for one of their warehouses. This is unconscionable. I don't want anyone to have to look our Junimos in the eye and tell them that we didn't do everything we could to complete their bundles.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Is Mo from Men on a Mission over?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

kumail got ripped, didn't know being rude burned calories

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

? ? ?

howdy. i'm the sheriff of love hotel

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

ok she's talking about some guy named "onion son's" book

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Just saw Mrs. Claus doin' coke! #santacon

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hey: if you have a podcast and are covering the new star wars movie, book me as a guest!

I want to talk to as many nerds as possible about this shit

I'm bookable between Sunday the 22nd thru Friday the 27th

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I say, lean into it. Make it your thing. Wear a deerstalker coat, get a pipe, say, “by jove!”

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

but the thing is: the place i temp at has incredibly good coffee, so it was always just around, and before i knew it i was drinking four or five cups a day just without thinking

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

oh wait i think i have it

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Follow a faith with a heavy dietary restriction

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

So I'm not going to lie I was kind of feeling fragile today and didn't want a fight on twitter so tried to be impartial but I just had a shower & remembered I'm 100% that bitch so #VoteLabourToday

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

WISH ME LUCK I'M UP FOR A WRITING GIG ON THAT OLD NAVY TALK SHOW HOSTED BY NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

sirancha and i have decided that this year, we are going to santacon

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

What are you guys pissed off about today? I'm mad at pilates

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

PennyLame likes this

For the record I never insulted AJs family.... Just his abilities as a father wrapped in veiled threats of potential physical harm which could never be provable in court. #nuance

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

friendship ended with garfield eats shrek's pizza is my new best friend

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I’ve made a decision about my life that I hope you will all understand and respect. I only listen to video game themed raps and parody covers now. On the cusp of this new decade, I have seen the future and it’s a 20 year old covering Tom’s Diner but the lyrics are about Fortnite.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT I HAVE AGREED TO A NEW MULTI YEAR CONTRACT AGREEMENT WITH WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT MAY THE WRESTLING GODS HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULS

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

sirancha gets home soon + i'm lighting hella candles to mask a week of farts

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i love it when ryan reynolds jokes around

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Wave checks were around longer then vibe checks
Entails removing the article of clothing known as the durag

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

when my kickstarter hits a million dollars i'll tell you what pete davidson's closer is

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hey fellow people who buy medical supplies because they have embarrassing personal problems

EVERYTHING IS ON SALE TODAY STOCK UP

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

ok i give up who is "Onion's Son"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

the loudest podcast is being edited right now! it's comin...

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

? ? ?

howdy. i'm the sheriff of egg

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Maybe my "thing" could be jean vests?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been me

Me: The accident wasn’t your fault, Dad. You need to let me go.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Bring your porgs and baby yodas and we'll have them fight to the death

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I swear, that replacement rancha sounds more like Plinkett than Mike Stoklasa. He nailed everything down to the breathing

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

it's fucking gross down there btw

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"It's akin to "Same," or "Mood."

-Me, explaining the phrase "It Me" to my millennial co-workers

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

hey does anyone know what episode of inyuashia has a demon punching through someone's head

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

returning everyone's texts from the treadmill so if you're wondering how i died this is how it happened

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I need you to send the request to a different thing

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"Crinkler, I am."

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: Adult Baby Yoda

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

it's just very nice to be surrounded by people who care and are talented and give a shit and are nice

thank you, this has been the best and most fun year of my life, XOXO

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Is it wrong to give my Porgs Guns for fun?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Last year I was laid off from my job at WeWork. Do you know how embarrassing it is to show up to a place called WeWork and have them be like "Well not everybody. This is more of an UsWork situation."

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Remember when America spent that whole year talking about butts and big butts

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

You should also watch No Guns Life. Dude has a gun for a head and punches trains till they explode

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i mean i think it's kinda stupid that there's a race of aliens that are just inherently attuned to the force

it kinda takes out the mix of luck and effort that makes the force fun, it's like a soft midichlorian honestly

but

on the other hand

B A B Y Y O D A

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Jacksonville Dixie:

Why else would I tag you? If I wanted to talk business, I’d call your father.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

fucking boomer horseshit

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I ALMOST FELL OF THE TREADMILL WHILE WIPING MY FACE WITH A EUCALYPTUS SCENTED TOWEL

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i like it when they have sex in movies

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Been offline. What did I miss?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

So crazy that if you were born 100 years ago you probably would have gone your entire life without seeing most types of parrots.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I forget who sent me this but thank you

I love you

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Sirancha keeps complaining about something called "wompus"

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Make America Shit My Pants

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

His son is named Max Goof

so his full name is Goofy Goof

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

It means "si, mi hermano", in turn "yes my brother". They're agreeing with you 100 percent.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Don't listen to everyone here. It stands for "small monkey hand" they want you to make a small wish with slightly less small consequences

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Oh my fucking god we get it Ashley, you own a home, you have a loving husband, you’re having a baby, you have 28 bffs with matching outfits, you love the lord, you hate vaccines, you believe in racial purity, you have an Etsy store

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

death stranding is teaching me that parenthood is hard. Like if you're carrying a baby and you fall 100m vertically and land on them they'll start crying until you rock them back and forth three times. Such a hassle

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

i THINK i'm live on PKA in a minute? or i'm already on? or i was already on? just find it!!!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

"I SHORTED 500 CHAINLINKS AND MADE A...KILLING! EEEE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE!" -The Cryptokeeper

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

how is pokemon sword and shield so flawed when the nintendo switch has great games like fire emblem: three houses? i think we all agree you should be able to marry the pokemon

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Based on previous tweets, which porg was this?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

My son just walked up to me and said, "Daddy, am I above the law like the Mister President is?"

should i hit him??

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

347 705 7617

fuck you tony hawke you stole my bit

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Look guys, its not that complicated. There are only 66 slides. By the end of this, you all will be Homestuck scholars as well.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

If you need an incredibly good podcast editor, DM me! I know a guy who kicks ass.

Tag any friends who make a shitty podcast, this guy can help!

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Hangman saying “Cowboy Shit” is a direct slap in my face it makes me so sad

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Cody is like Dream in that he has always been too generous to people that didn’t have his integrity. Max wasn’t the first snake waiting to turn on a Rhodes the first chance he got.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

lol look at these lil fuckups

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

No idea how Dream had the Riders mask but I know it’s the OG one.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Oh wait what the fuck happened with that finish, was that a botched 3 count

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

Fleek on the haters, man. It's been over a day since I last had to shit and I think it's because of the eagle shit.

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

I make a big production out of opening the kitchen garbage then quickly shove whatever in my mouth

I've done it before and I'll do it again

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios

About time to change the ole nickname to “The Eagle Shitting Guy”, huh?

twitter.com

#twitter, #asterios