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I wish I had boobs so people would stop making eye contact with me.

146

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

84

I'M ON THAT NEW DIET WHERE YOU EAT EVERYTHING AND HOPE FOR A BIG MIRACLE.

57

It's Thursday, or as I like to call it:

Day 4 of the hostage situation.

82

YESTERDAY
I REALLY WANTED A BURRITO.
TODAY I AM EATING A BURRITO.
FOLLOW YOUR FUCKING DREAMS.

37

Can't
stop drinking about
you.

73

I don't need much but many beers.

33

Yeah, I tried to order a burrito at the ATM. So what?

30

Wednesday
It's almost, kind of, sorta, close to, just about, nearly the weekend.

30

a drink is undoubtedly the most important meal of the day

17

it's not a hangover, it's wine flu.

53

it's a
Gin-Gin Situation

40

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