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Apples are just doing their best. They’re too small to fight doctors

5

My husband and I just sat in our car outside of our house and ate a huge piece of carrot cake because we didn’t want to share it with our kids.

5

Something about seeing little kids sitting on those big green neighborhood transformer boxes while not giving a fuck about life and/or death brings back warm childhood memories.

2

I did a very solemn nod, put the phone down, and began to do a crazy dance choreographed to coincide with big neverending nothing.

3

guy in the book I'm reading and his squire too, well, they just found out they're in a book I'm reading

3

I am taking the Chef Boyardee® Master Class®

2

Last night Rae picked up a book on the Mothman out of my sleeping hand and woke me up to say, What the hell is this????

2

it's going to be very hot today drink plenty of water with a shot of water in your water

2

The dumber you look in retrospect, the more you’ve learned

2

Normally when my dog walks in circles following a scent I get annoyed but now I'm like, 'we have time, let's get to the bottom of this mystery.'

1

I brought in five sweet potatoes, an orange, and two green peppers, my coworkers are scared as shit

1

just marked 32,000 unread emails as read nbd

1

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