Posts Liked by ChapterDuty

Too alien for earth, too human for outer space.

A promise means everything but once it's broken sorry means nothing.

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Going insane and not coming back...

The universe in a snowflake, melting in my hand

The anchor man of
the evening news
always starts saying "good evening" and
then he proceeds
telling you why it is
in fact not a good
evening.

Freddy believed he could fly before R. Kelly did.

In my opinion, it's
simply erroneous
that there's just
one company out
there producing
Monopoly (i.e. the
game).

I'm awfully afraid that I might have hypochondriasis.

"What are the odds?"
- "The ratio of probability of an event's occurring to the probability of its not occurring."

Wait till you're dead before you bury your head in the sand.

Ready to
mumble.

Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

I'm glad someone invented punctuation comma since it makes left parenthesis when used properly right parenthesis reading much comma much easier in general exclamation mark

Future plans expire.

I don't like it when people use arduous words in order to come across as perspicacious.

If you want many
people to attend
your funeral, you
better die young.

First
world problems
first.

"Are you on Facebook?"
- "No, on business travel."

"Today is your
birthday, right?"
- "No, that was
last year."

"My sandwich was thrown on the railroad."
- "On purpose?"
"No, on the railroad."

To calculate your Body Mass Index, you simply divide the hours in total you spend on Netflix per day by the distance from your flat to the nearest fast food joint.

"What would you do if you were paralyzed?"
- "Nothing."

People who suffer from Parkinson's disease make excellent cocktail shakers.

I couldn't care less, but I would if I could.

Do drunk blind people have double vision?

"Oh, a baby girl! Do you have a name already?"
- "Yes, mine is Laura and my husband's is Pete."

Friends
are terrible
enemies.

I'd rather swim in a pool filled with armpits for the rest of my life than listen to someone who
exaggerates.

Rehab is
for quitters.

"Dad, what is a miscarriage?"
- "You."

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

He claims that I'm obsessed with orgies, foursome
reason.

"Silence
is golden",
he said.

Although some might claim the opposite, my writing skills are quite versatile.

My vocabulary
for instance, is
quite versatile.

"Do you say 'trousers'
or 'pants' more often?"
- "It de-pants."

Well I'd certainly put my tongue in your cheeck.

The worst thing about
online dating is seven
year olds pretending
to be an overweight,
fifty-something year
old single from Idaho
who recently got fired
because of some stupid reorganization.

Artists. People who are famous for the fact that they don't care about them.

Whenever I'm at the supermarket and I see one of those stacks of "grandma's apple pie", this image pops up in
my head of a sweatshop with all the grannies in
it baking pie like mad.

Freddy wanted presence for his birthday.

Freelance?
Who's Lance?

"Cheap"also
costs money.

We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

"Daisy who?"
- "Daisy me rollin', they hatin'."

Judgement Day?

Sorry, can't.

Manuel Neuer is a great asset to the team.

He is definitely
a keeper.

"Is this dance music?"
- "No, it's John's."

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

"I have to go to the loo."
- "Alright, see you later then. Toodeloo!"

You can't
diet on
an empty
stomach.

I just feel the need to mention something Nice about France.

The future
is open to
suggestions

Iceland / Football team

Finnbogason, Bjarnason, Gunnarsson, Sigurðsson, Sævarsson, Árnason,
Sigþórsson, Halldórsson.

I get it. You're all somebody's son.

My parents-in-law don't have children, so I'm still single.

Aren't you that guy they always mix up with that other guy?

sh?rk

Wish
thoughtful.

"Can I hold your hand?"
- "I can hold it myself, but thanks anyway."

I've been thinking
and I came to the conclusion that maybe I should do this more often.

My favourite Facebook notifications
are the ones
telling me
someone's
birthday was
yesterday.

Great minds think.

There is nothing worse than your phone charger getting stuck in
the wheels of your office chair and
that afterwards your parents die
in a forest fire.

"Is it dark in there?"
- "Don't know, I can't
see a thing."

Add a few dots in
the end to make your sentence appear more meaningful...

Numbers are weird.
Odd even.

Alcohol damaged my short-term memory,
my long-time memory, but also my short-term memory.

"Why do you always
have to procrastinate everything?"
- "Can we talk about
that later?"

"Mind your step"
is a comment
that belongs on
a minefield.

Today's therapy session for people with separation anxiety is cancelled due to the fact that last week's session hasn't finished yet.

If you need
some space
for yourself
to be alone,
try Google+

It's never too late to be late.

People make me love animals.

I think that new Coca-Cola line, i.e. "taste the feeling", could as easily have been a Durex-slogan to promote its flavoured condoms.

Politricks.

Less is

Suicide is away of life

The only thing that remains the same is that nothing will.

Being unique, just like everyone else.

The gym.

As if an architect was asked to design
the otiosity of life.

The result: a room
full of machines
going nowhere.

Here, take
my advice.
I'm not using
it anyway.

Unnecessary repetitions are often useless, redundant and unnecessary.

Marriage
is the main
reason for
divorce.

And now, for today's nerdy pun:
"If it ain't good, I can try to make it beta."

Brexit could be followed by Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Finish, Grexit, Latervia and Byegium.

Only Remania will stay.

No, Colin didn't end
up in either fourth or
fifth place. He ended
up Firth instead.

Rachel, Weisz your brother looking at me like that?

I couldn't row but luckily Lisa Kudrow.

I can Usher you
that everything
will be just fine.

Hey there Emma,
Watson tv tonight?

Reese eats soup Witherspoon.

"Tomorrow" is probably the most passable productivity killer of today.

First never follows