pashley65's Posts

Have you ever noticed that a woman's
"be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's
"be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same?

Reposted from anonymous

Stop asking WHY I'm still single.

I don't ask how you're still married.

Reposted from anonymous

whale
oil
beef
hooked

When I was a kid....

No wait, I still do that.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

just wanted to update everyone on the fact that absolutely nothing new is happening in my life

Reposted from jano

People don't want to hear about your diet.

Just eat your lettuce, and be sad.

Reposted from iheartcheese

Never depend on someone else to make you happy, that's what alcohol is for.

Reposted from bold

'PERFECT'
HAS 7 LETTERS
AND SO DOES
'MEEEEEE'

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

A PARTY WITHOUT ME IS
JUST A MEETING

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

NukeSkywalker likes this

I wish I had boobs so people would stop making eye contact with me.

Reposted from GaylrdSprFckr

When guys wait for the perfect girl, it's Playboy's fault.

When girls wait for the perfect guy, it's Disney's fault.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

When guys wait for the perfect girl, it's Playboy's fault.

When girls wait for the perfect guy, it's Disney's fault.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

A successful relationship requires falling in love multiple times, but always with the same person.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"

Reposted from Nanoolsen

Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM

Reposted from inesmbandeira

Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

Reposted from yafei

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

NukeSkywalker likes this

SMS to my wife:
I'll be home in 20 min. If haven't arrived then, read this message again.

Reposted from Greydon

Be nice to America.

Or it will bring democracy to your country.

Reposted from anonymous

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a plant, plants are salad.

thats one out of my 5 a day done.

I don't need Google, my wife knows everything.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

NukeSkywalker likes this

I got 99 problems and 98 of them are due this week

Reposted from anonymous

aoibh likes this

I say I have the body of a God!!

Yeah buddha says my wife.

epstein likes this

reposted by Greydon

fun prank : put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me

Reposted from usamagoraho

sometimes i lie awake at night and ask" where have i gone wrong".

Then a voice says to me " this is going to take more than one night"

boldstatment and epstein like this

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

Reposted from Boldomatic

I visited my psycho- therapist the other day...

he cried a lot.

Reposted from GaylrdSprFckr

epstein likes this

Always love a women for her personality.

They have like 10, so you can choose.

Reposted from anonymous

epstein likes this

100% of non-
smokers die too.

Reposted from beesmoove

be alert

the world needs lerts

kj55 and aoibh like this

Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone's throat.

Reposted from anonymous

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.

Reposted from Vinyl

Irony is 15 year old mothers using protective covers on their smartphones

Reposted from clemens