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I'm great at multitasking.
I can waste time,
be unproductive,
and procrastinate all at once

12

Depression is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship with your brain.

16

Cemeteries would save a lot of space if they buried coffins vertically instead of horizontally.

6

Roses may say "I love you," but the cactus says "fuck off"

6

I hate fake people. You know what I'm talking about. Mannequins.

5

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

4

Unnecessary repetitions are often useless, redundant and unnecessary.

5

I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

6

Yesterday I lost a good friend to a tragic accident.

They got their finger caught in a wedding ring.

4

With great ignorance comes great confidence.

2

I've learned not to listen to critics who are right about me.

2

This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.

5

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