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Okay. I think I've said too much.

Now my notifications tell me that someone 'wanked' my post.

Which makes me horny, by the way.

14

procrastinators unite!!!

...tomorrow.

20

I hate when your boob starts falling out of your bra like
Excuse me ma'am please return to your assigned seat

20

Daughter bought a soap dispenser shaped of a rubber nose and hung it next to the sink AND with green liquid soap! lol

17

Playing cards with my kids is an experience I am likely never to forget.

15

When one door closes, another opens...

or you can open the closed door. That's how doors work.

8

Human beings are deuterosomes, which means the anus forms before the mouth. So basically, we all started out as assholes!

7

I try hard not to laugh at my own jokes but lets be real!!

I'm fucking hilarious!!

12

My sex life is like a 1997 Honda Civic. I had one briefly in 2009. I got it on Craigslist for $250.

11

Making out for lost time

I mean making up! Making UP for lost time..

7

The most complicated word in the English language...

9

I hate to cook.

The last time my husband had a hot meal, the house was on fire.

9

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