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So they're sorry they're sorry, but they're not sorry about it. And if that bothers you, well, sorry. No sincerely. They're sorry about that.

7

At a certain point in every life, everything flips and you realize that, all of a sudden,
you are no longer young.

Not old, exactly.

But definitely not young.

It's horrifying.

6

I assume most things
I see, read and hear are not the capital-T truth.

This includes the news not because I suspect anyone is attempting to mislead me, but because I'm alive and know from experience that no two people perceive any event in exactly the same way.

6

Anyone who wants to start talking politics at the dinner table should know they're starting a fight.

6

After the pandemic, we're planning to go to Spain and Costa Rica.

I don't think we'll get there this year, but I'm not telling my brain that.

It needs something to believe in.

5

The things you say in frustration are generally the best illustration of your personal values.

4

You know that thing where someone turns to you very seriously and says, "(insert your name here), with respect," everything that comes after those three words is meant to be disrespectful.

They are telling you they think you are an idiot. So big an idiot that if they say "with respect," they're hoping you won't notice how disrespectful they're being.

4

People don't tend to notice anything until it's already happening
to them.

4

We all know from our own lives that you do not succeed if you don't think you can.

You don't succeed if your focus is on doing everything perfectly all the time.

And you especially don't succeed if your plan changes hour by hour depending on what other people are telling you.

3

One of the side effects of the situation is that it's given many
of us an excuse to put off that get-fit-quick plan we've been
on the verge of launching
any day now for the past 10 years.

For the foreseeable future, nobody needs you showing up in the ER with a slipped disc.

So never before in history have so many been so lazy for the sake of the common good.

We salute you.

3

Sport outside of group isn't sport.

It's exercise.

3

Somehow deeply offensive or stupid things seem less so when delivered in an accent.

2

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