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what if all of the indiana jones movies are just dreams that han solo has while he's frozen in carbonate?




Do more things that
make you forget to
check your phone




I'm spending the year dead
for tax reasons


Managing is just great prompt engineering...

with a human touch.

DON'T OFFER A LECTURE TO A PERSON WHO NEEDS A HUG .





Don't hesitate.
fumigate.
I met my wife at a singles night.


...I was surprised, as I thought she was at home with the kids.
When you lose track of time, things begin to flow.




I want treats, cuddles,naps
and exercise

Basically I am a puppy
“Wisdom is the echo of experience.”

James Clear
never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group.
IT'S AMAZING HOW FAST YOUR  
MOOD CAN CHANGE AFTER YOU STEP IN WATER WITH SOCKS ON!!





A liar will get angry with 
you for knowing the truth




Your secrets safe with me



I probably wasn't listening
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT,
SIMBA,
MAKUNA MY TATAS



     •¿•
This house will never feel like home
*   *  **             B     *o      *
  *            ^   *   * 
             /   \         *  *  *
  *         I__ l             d   *    *
 l          I      l
            I      l        o
          /        \
        / /Illll\ \         m
      / /   00  \ \              a
              00                          t
               00               i    
                00                    c

Our imagination takes flight!!!!
MAY DO ABORTION OPPONENTS ACTUALLY EAT EGGS?





Happy Earth Day



Enjoy Earth while you can



You can throw all the shade
you want. 

It's still sunny in my world.
IF YOU'RE FEELING A SUDDEN CALM. IT'S BECAUSE I TOOK YOUR VOODOO DOLL OUT FOR A PICNIC ON A GRASSY HILL.          YOU'RE WELCOME!!!
IF YOU'VE NEVER JUMPED FROM ONE COUCH TO THE OTHER TO AVOID THE LAVA YOU'VE NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD!!


Before you fuck a person,
you should first make them
use a computer with slow
internet to see who they
really are




You know you're old
when you get up in
the morning and the
first thing you do is
make noise.






In the abstraction 
of the moment 
lies the distraction 
of time...





Don't hesitate.
fumigate.
at some point, our parents stopped keeping track of our bowel movements.




IntheextremelIesthedream
Aus Möwen kann man keinen Saft machen.
getting a compliment is less about how great you are and more about how kind and observant the person who gave the compliment is.
nowaday's a robot has the nerve to ask me if i'm a robot.
it is never too late to become unhealthily obsessed with a niche television show that went off the air years ago.
weekends are only 1 day long and there are two of them a week.

my step to step plan to deal with idiots:

Step 1: step on them
the vast majority of people don't know you exist.
Yeah yeah yeah,
good morning to you, too.
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.



~ Ezra Taft Benson

lieber Priester,
du kannst über alles predigen, nur nicht über 15 Minuten
out of sight of land the sailor feels safe.
it is the beach that worries him.
i keep sailing on in this middle passage. 
i am sailing into the wind and the dark. 
but i am doing my best to keep my boat steady and my sails full.


Before you fuck a person,
you should first make them
use a computer with slow
internet to see who they
really are



I used to have a handle
on life, but then it broke
       Loop
       Pool
or 
       Polo?
men play the game...  women know the score
never start a fight with a woman - they remember shit that hasnt even happened yet ;-)
Love is in the air...


       for now.

virtue is the coitus interruptus of temptation

money and monkey need no grammar

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today 
or 
naked tomorrow
You look like something 
I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, 
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.





     LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people,  because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food 

they say the ones you love hurt you the most


THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.


If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty 


and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. 
But I would rather be alone with you.
i've
fallen
in love
with you,

but you
don't exist.